Christina Aguilera Pregnant, Automatic Dialer Deployed To Identify Paternal Candidates

Hey, can you ask the rest of your block if they forgot condoms too?

Chalk up another victory for disciplined, planned parenthood!  It was announced yesterday that Christina Aguilera is pregnant with her first child — news which thrilled her remaining delusional enclave of fans.

“I couldn’t be more happy for her!” proclaimed a local uncultured tart, whose insistence on wearing hoochie-pants belied her late 90’s coming-of-age.

Though the child was presumed to be the product of her two year marriage to music executive Jordan Bratman, Aguilera incredulously sloughed off such rumours.  In a press release, she congratulated the entire male populations of both the continental United States and the ‘Known World’ as collective fathers:

We’ve had a good run over the last nine years, and whether I slept with you (highly likely) or simply acted as a masturbatory muse, I want to thank you for your combined and continued support.

To whittle down potential paternal candidates to a non-hyperbolic figure, state officials have deployed the services of a 70’s era automatic dialing machine that will cycle through all 10 billion possible numbers between 000-000-0000 and 999-999-9999 to deliver the following prerecorded message:

  • Press one if you’ve copulated with Ms. Aguilera in the last 9 months
  • Press two if your reproductive tissue has been dispensed within a radius of 20 feet from Ms. Aguilera’s physical body
  • Press three if you’ve mailed samples of your gametes to Ms. Aguilera or anyone in her acquaintance
  • Hang up now if none of the previous statements are true — ahahah, I know, I know

It’s expected that every man currently living on the planet or his direct descendants will be contacted approximately by the year 2650.  Because of the potential for multiple DNA matches (one out of every 13,500,000 men carry similar DNA profiles), Axe Body Spray has offered to hold the top class-action litigation law firm on retainer on behalf of men worldwide.

Once the legal precedents are established, joint custody will be granted in the form of membership to a co-operative organization, the Collective Lovers of Aguilera Posse, or CLAP.  Benefits of membership will include a laminated name-tag, monthly newsletter, and official coital rights of entry (though no official rights are usually necessary).

Popularity: 29% [?]

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‘Duck Hunt’ Franchise Shows Fatigue In Ill-Fated New Movie Adaptation

How do I sleep with a 2D character?

That laughing dog has one more thing to giggle about.

Film reviewers were merciless this week in their excoriation of the recent big-screen adaption of the video gaming classic ‘Duck Hunt’. Trying to bank on the recent trend of adapting video game classics to film, ‘Duck Hunt: The Movie’ instead provided critics with a lot to take aim at.

“I’m not sure where to begin,” fumed critic impresario Roger Ebert. “The fact that we don’t leave the confines of the two-dimensional field of play leaves the directors with little dramatic options, the stilted interplay between the original characters and new bankable stars like Angelina Jolie and Soundwave from Transformers leaves much to be desired, and relying entirely on the NES 8-bit graphics engine has produced predictable and yawn-inspiring special effects.”

“Whoever greenlighted this film should be subject to an involuntary sex change,” added Ebert.

Reports of creative conflict dogged the film through pre-production and principle shooting.

“I don’t think I’ll ever work with animals again,” offers Angelina Jolie. “Every few minutes the ducks would take off, the entire sky would go instantly yellow, and a massive ‘Fly Away’ wordmark would flash in the air. It was obviously very frustrating. Not to mention that condescending dog kept on laughing at everybody — I would have put cyanide in his water dish if it weren’t for those PETA representatives on set.”

Among other shortfalls identified by critics were:

  • the film’s reliance on repetitive scenes using recurring patterns of action
  • an absence of an actual ‘duck hunter’ character — shots ring in as if they were directed by God
  • a superfluously graphic romantic subplot involving Soundwave and an injured Mallard (”I thought that kind of thing was only legal in Croatia?” asks Richard Roeper)

Despite the dismal opening box office, Paramount Pictures has commissioned a sequel to ‘Duck Hunt’, which industry insiders say will explore the fragility of mankind and our ultimately futile stewardship of the environment.

“They’re casting a monkey and a talking human buttock in the lead roles,” says ET anchor Sugar Ray.

Popularity: 30% [?]

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‘Daylight Saving Time’ Computer Catastrophe Seemingly Ineffectual

AHH! Time went back an hour!!

Technical analysts were baffled across North America and Europe today after Daylight Saving Time (DST) came and went without the predicted computer catastrophe. After years of dire warnings and millions of dollars spent hastily on technical modernization projects, many people had hoarded dry goods and liquidated their bank accounts in preparation for an anarchy that never materialized.

“After all that hype, I’m kind of disappointed the world didn’t erupt in chaos,” posits local shoe salesman Ed Bundy from his specially constructed DST bunker burrowed below his house.

Reminiscent of the Y2K Bug at the turn of the millennium that also failed to capitalize on its horrific potential, the DST bug was implicated in supposed cataclysms like the poisoning of the public water supply and the reunification of the cast of Home Improvement for a sequel episode.

Local citizens turned back their clocks an hour at 2:00 am this morning, not knowing if they were about to unleash Armageddon.

“My hands were trembling, and there was sweat dripping off the tip of my nose,” recalls Samaritan Jackie Childs, “but when I put the clock back an hour, nothing happened. At all. I called the police to ask if there was some mistake, and they dispatched an officer to my house immediately.”

Among the worst incidents reported because of the aversion of apocalypse were:

  • airplanes full of embarrassed passengers who were randomly making out in anticipation of air traffic control failure
  • mass copies of the Star Wars prequels thrown on the streets, as people couldn’t imagine the disgrace of dying next to evidence of George Lucas’ own narcissism
  • spontaneous all-night ‘Achy Breaky’ line-dancing parties at local dance clubs

All victims will receive psychiatric counseling and coupons for McDonald’s Orange Drink.

Popularity: 20% [?]

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‘Cool Site of the Day’ Erodes Own Credibility With ‘Humble Narrator’ Selection

Cool?  More like deranged...

The pointlessly fake and, in most cases, insulting news world was rocked today after learning that ‘The Humble Narrator’ site had been awarded as the ‘Cool Site of the Day’ by Internet stalwart for November 3, 2007.

“I hope this story is as fake as my journalistic standards,” responded ‘Humble’ creator Michael Parkatti. “I woke up this morning just in time to witness my crappy web hosting bend under the strain of the web’s collective will.  It almost gave me a heart attack.  Then again, my mornings are usually pretty intense, what with bacon and stuff.”

When asked how in God’s name he was able to swing getting the award, Parkatti suggested that, “the only thing I’ve done to deserve this was that time I ate my own underwear to win a bag of Mini Eggs.”

Industry analysts are grappling with the implications of the award.  “We may see his subscriber base increase from 9 to 10,” estimated Al Gore, creator of the Internet.  “But shit, that’s double digits — nothing to be ashamed of.”

“What’s more interesting is what kind of backlash ‘Cool Site’ will experience because of the selection.  A lot, and I mean a LOT of people hate this guy’s guts.  ‘Cool Site’ may have completely bankrupted whatever credibility they had left,” said Gore.

Parkatti isn’t complaining, however.

“Yeah, it’s a big thrill actually — except for those last three hours when ‘Cool Site’ went on the fritz and my traffic went back down to zero.  Good thing I had a giant bag of gasoline handy to sniff,” said the ‘Narrator’.

Popularity: 17% [?]

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Scholars Confirm Nostradamus Correctly Predicted Overcast Weather in Cleveland

Yesss.... people will wear... sweaters!

The academic world was abuzz late Friday with the news that another prophecy of the 16th Century French Apothecary Nostradamus has been confirmed as totally legitimate and inarguably accurate.  On Friday, an overcast day in Cleveland provided the clearcut evidence that Nostradamus enthusiasts were waiting for.

In his book of long-term predictions published in 1555, The Prophecies, the French seer penned the following passage in the 15 Quatrain of his 5th Century of forecasts:

Dans la ville des têtes Brunes
où le cuir de jet d’Indiens à leurs ennemis
une ombre de journée sera moulé
par le grand masque divin

Which loosely translates in English to:

In the city of the Brown heads
where Indians throw leather at their enemies
a daytime shadow shall be cast
by the great divine mask

“I’d like to see how the skeptics can deny this one,” laughs University of London Professor Jack Handy.  “Here we’ve got a guy who predicts that there will be clouds over 450 years in the future in a city that he didn’t even know existed.  I mean that’s absolutely incredible.  It’s like me predicting that someone will urinate in Europe in the year 2460 — and what are the odds of that happening?  Not good…”

Nostradamus’ prophecies have been reputed to predict everything from the Great Fire of London to the World Trade Center attacks on September 11th, 2001.  However, a large movement exists that believes modern scholars are hastily applying ‘retroactive clairvoyance’ to the original manuscripts.

“Yeah, clouds in Cleveland, what a surprise,” quips skeptic Norman Mailer, “that’s not something that a retarded monkey who’s just been in a car accident and set on fire could predict, is it?  Ok, I predict that after I say this sentence Earth will not have exploded and my body will continue to perform cellular respiration as a means to obtain energy and release waste products………. See?  I’m a fucking genius!”

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‘Harry Potter’ TV Spin-off Announced In Buddy Cop Subgenre

Bad Boys, Bad Boys, cast a spell on you! Cast a spell on you when they come for you!

Only one day after announcing an illustrated book offshoot in the Harry Potter universe, author/deity J.K. Rowling today announced that a ‘buddy cop’ TV spin-off is in development featuring Harry and the incorrigible Professor Flitwick.

“I think a lot of readers really enjoyed the chemistry between Harry and the Professor during the series,” suggested Rowling, “so we wanted to grant the fans an opportunity to witness the personal interplay between these two characters in a more gritty, down-to-earth environment.”

Rowling also disclosed that discussions have been ongoing for some time regarding a franchised ‘Potter’ cop drama, but earlier incarnations hadn’t met her high standard of quality.

“We were hoping to contrast Harry’s by-the-book no-nonsense white officer with a young streetwise black cop who likes to bend the rules — but I felt that formula was perhaps pushing the creative envelope a bit too far. I didn’t think the audience was ready for that tandem. So that’s when we started playing around with the idea of another internal character to pair him with.”

The new series will be set on the mean streets of Detroit, where Harry and Flitwick will routinely deal with drug crime, organized street gangs, and transgendered prostitutes. Reports suggest that he will be stripped of his magical power after a Pilates-related catastrophe.

“Harry’s trading in his wand for a magnum,” says pointless TV pundit Greasy Monkerson. “We’ve heard that he’ll be growing some stubble and spewing some street euphemisms like biznatch, mofo, and penisbreath. Also, he’ll take the loss of his powers quite hard — scenes will routinely depict him smoking a crackpipe while crying, and practicing self-mutilation. Harry, you’re a big kid now!!”

Professor Flitwick, meanwhile, will turn into the father figure many fans already thought of him as. “Flitwick will assume the role of grizzled veteran, who acts as a mentor to Harry. There are plans for groundbreaking scenes where Harry’s precociousness will cause Flitwick to say sarcastic one-liners like ‘I didn’t sign up for this’ or ‘I’m only three years to retirement and I have to deal with this shit?’. It’s groundbreaking in its genius…”

The series will run on Mondays opposite Two and a Half Men.

Popularity: 31% [?]

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Lance Armstrong And Ashley Olsen? Say Hello To ‘Asstrong’!

I love your testicle!

From Dallas, Texas, the flash, apparently official. Tour de France champion Lance Armstrong and Full House alumnus Ashley Olsen started dating at 1:00 P.M. Central Standard Time, two o’clock Eastern Standard Time… Some thirty-eight minutes ago.

Arise Sir Armstrong and Dame Olsen…

I deem you: Asstrong!

Popularity: 45% [?]

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Mukasey Supports Waterboarding As ‘100% Adrenaline’

Waterboarding isn't just fun, it's a way of life...

With his sun-drenched locks playfully framing his bronzed face, Attorney General Nominee Michael Mukasey vehemently supported Waterboarding during nomination hearings today, claiming that he likes to waterboard whenever he gets a chance.

“Dude, when that rip tide comes in, and the waves smash your waterboard around, it’s 100% pure adrenaline,” said the former Federal Judge. “Others shoot for it, jab a vein for it… all you gotta do is board for it.”

Asked if that was a direct quote from the 1991 hit movie Point Break starring Patrick Swayze, Mukasey ripped a giant fist pump, pointed at Senator Warner, and screamed, “YOU…YOU… That’s why I like you!”

Waterboarding has come under fire as a questionable interrogation technique during the War on Terror, with some in Washington suggesting that it borders on torture. It involves laying a prisoner on their back, throwing back their heads, wrapping their face in cellophane or plastic wrap, and bombarding their torso with water — the resulting sensation is akin to being held underwater and close to drowning.

Mukasey tried to debunk that definition.

“Drowning? Are you serious?” asked the nominee. “Only if you suck at it! You have to just, like, relax and let the water become a part of you. If you want the ultimate rush, you gotta be willing to pay the ultimate price…”

Mukasey was also questioned about the value of the information gained from the ‘extrajudicial’ detainees under waterboarding, with critics suggesting it is little more than a punitive measure rather than a viable means to obtain intelligence.

“Dude, they’ve given us the sweetest intel!” yelled Mukasey. “I got this one tip on how to order a barbeque sauce with your cheeseburger at McDonald’s for dipping, and this other guy told me that I should consider keeping loose change in my car for when I need to park at meters… I mean that’s all good stuff right there!”

Popularity: 48% [?]

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Wild Pug Habitat Threatened Due To Global Warming

They need to watch dirty films to procreate

Citing the affect of global warming, the World Wildlife Fund and the American Kennel Club jointly placed Pugs on their endangered species lists today, claiming that the lovable animal is under siege in its natural habitat. Deforestation, increasing migration distances, human encroachment, and competition with the Boston Terrier are all to blame, according to a joint statement.Originating in China over two thousand years ago, the Pug has in recent years become one of the most lovable pets in homes worldwide — its wild forbearer, however, has seen its ecological niche trampled on by a conspiracy of environmental circumstances. Known for its cunning pack hunting, aggressive breeding positions, and ferocious eating habits, the Wild Pug’s natural range has collapsed into a pocket of protected jungles and forests.

“The Wild Pug’s worldwide population today is dwindling to numbers not expected until at least 2050 just a few years ago,” said State University of New York Ecologist Ralph Nader. “If you remember, they were hunted mercilessly in Africa in the 19th Century for their curly tails, which were used in necklaces as quite a fashion statement in Victorian England. Global Warming and human intervention have cooperated to send this natural icon to the highest threats of extinction.”

Scientists estimate that there may only be 170 individual Wild Pugs left in the wild. 18 are currently being held in captivity in zoos worldwide, with 15 of those on loan from the national government of Albania. Wild Pugs are notoriously hesitant to breed in captivity, as they usually bark at eachother’s feet and lick the ground for extremely odd periods of time. Videos portraying other Wild Pugs mating have been shown, but participating animals tend to stare at the screens blankly, before running into adjacent doorways.

The WWF is calling for governments worldwide to protect the Wild Pug by law, along with the following recommendations to encourage their numbers to grow:

  1. Hiring a horde of retarded clowns to traipse through the countryside to keep the Pugs happy
  2. Planting thousands of aid packages in the wild, consisting of human-worn underwear and socks
  3. Hiring social aid workers to train Wild Pugs in marketable skills, like word processing and photocopying
  4. Organizing a Pug-only ‘Superdog’ touring show, where their only discernible public skills would be urinating and falling over at top speed

Even with these measures in place, experts predict that the Wild Pug’s chances of replenishing their numbers to reclaim their original natural range are startlingly bleak. “There’s only so many pig ears to go around,” suggests dog clairvoyant Cesar Milan.

Popularity: 100% [?]

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China Furious Over Harper and Dalai Lama’s Game of Two-Person Spin-The-Bottle

Be happy they didn't play 60 seconds in the closet...

In a joint news conference after their private meeting today, Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper and the Dalai Lama sloughed off questions regarding China’s recalcitrance towards their reported game of Spin-The-Bottle, where only the two leaders participated.

“I just kept thinking ‘please let it be me, please let it be me’ and then the bottle landed on me,” recalled Harper, “and then I knew that I’d soon be tasting heaven.”

The Dalai Lama seemed amused at the Prime Minister’s enthusiasm.  “Stephen kept on forcing liquor down my throat like a 18 year old trying to get his date drunk — I guess he didn’t realize that the odds of us making out were 100%”.

In response to the staged kiss, China released a heated statement:

“We are certainly very much displeasured and regret the fact that Canada would totally ignore the repeated positions of the Chinese side and go ahead with its erroneous decision.  Such political theatre is not a good thing for the bilateral relationship of our two countries.  The Seperatist religious heathen is using cheap tricks to subvert the Western Mind — he will not call you after you let him into the poon-pantry.”

In political exile since 1959, the Dalai Lama has disavowed human intimacy, but Stephen Harper’s renowned charisma and virility proved impossible to resist.

Popularity: 14% [?]

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