Archive for the ‘Technology’ Category

Yahoo Advises Against Web Searching For “Coup D’Etat 4:30 today China bring ammo”

Wednesday, November 14th, 2007

One day we may fall in battle -- but it is not this day!

Chinese residents may want to think twice before using Internet search engines to find like-minded revolutionaries.

Yahoo today released a list of words belonging to search logs that they impulsively cannot hesitate to provide to the Chinese Communist Government. In light of recently settling a legal case with the family of a journalist who was jailed and mistreated after the company handed over search records to China, Chief Yahoo Gerry Yang said that their legal counsel is forcing them to warn the public about the dangers of questioning authority.

“We’d like to tell the public to stop searching for these words. We can’t help but to tell China everything we do. It’s like we’re ex-lovers who run into each other in awkward two year intervals whenever we’re both single and unabashedly tipsy — we simply can’t keep our hands off each other,” said Yang in a statement.

Among the words or phrases to avoid typing into the Yahoo search prompt are:

  • revolution
  • ninja
  • Robespierre
  • krang
  • fluoride conspiracy
  • cannonade
  • whereabouts of Amelia Earhart
  • did you ever wonder why rice looks like fish eggs
  • china girl bowie racial stereotyping
  • how many collective IQ points did the world lose after watching phantom menace
  • Alf
  • and, Pitcairn incest; what other option?; ethical ramifications; the swirl

Yang further intimated that discouraging free searching broke the companies long-standing moral adherences. “This can only serve to weaken our dominance over Google in our one remaining bastion of the web — dissident-betrayal. Before the Chinese forced our hand, we had over 80% of the market share in the identification of brooding freedom fighters. Getting sued just handed it to big G on a silver platter, thank you very much,” scowled the CEO.

When reminded that Yahoo Answers outlasted Google’s competitive product, Yang seemed dismissive, saying, “Do you need to ask the solution for how much revenue we make off that thing? God, please do, I could use the 3 thousandths of a cent in ad revenue.”

Along with the potential to be handed over to the Chinese Secret Police, Yahoo has altered their Terms & Conditions to reflect other potential brutal eventualities:

INTERNATIONAL ESPIONAGE & HISTORICAL TIME TRAVELING WAIVER

You hereby understand that using Yahoo.com or any of its subsidiary websites and/or products may or may not result in your physical and mental embodiment being implicated in a Marxist International Junta. You will be detained by foreign authorities, subject to cruel and unusual punishment (such as eating Big Turks), forced to remember the lyrics to ‘My Humps’, and coerced into operating experimental time travel apparatuses. Your Yahoo user account may or may not also be frozen for 24 hours. But you’ll still be able to search the web and check horoscopes — you’ll just have to wait a bit to check your fantasy hockey team and stock portfolio.

To obtain a full listing of restricted words, please contact Yahoo’s communications department.

Popularity: 30% [?]

Viral Web 2.0 Beta Facebook App Platform Syndicates Mashed-Up User Generated Content Tag Feed Through Aggregated Social Networking AJAX Widget While Executive Thought Leadership Seeks Monetization Synergy Via Paradigm-Shifting P2P Advertising Partnership

Monday, November 12th, 2007

Wow, where can I buy stock?!

Are you ready for the revolution??

New Web 2.0 startup Crackr launched in beta mode this morning amidst massive industry hype, but they have somehow answered their critics and delivered a masterpiece of online innovation.  Our own Kevin Tulip sat down with Crackr CEO Mark Huey to discuss their new product release:

Tulip: So, Mark, you’ve come a long way from your original idea to the culmination of making it reality.  Tell us how you originally came up with this amazing idea?

Huey: Well it all started a long time, about 4 and a half weeks ago, when I was eating Fruit Loops in my underwear surrounded by three monitors, and I realized a) that the internet was 100% bad, and b) that I was a zany genius.  Something had to give.

Tulip: So what was your idea, again?

Huey: I don’t need ideas.  The idea of ideas is notional.  Crackr is all about being smart, or at least making people think we’re innovative, but we’re actually just copying about 13 different sites out there, asking people to create an account, and will try to sell our company on an inflated per user multiple when we know that most of our users never signed in again.

Tulip: Genius. Did you have any problems raising money for this idea?

Huey: Not at all.  I presented to a bunch of people who barely knew how to log into their own computers.  We prepared a pretty slide deck, and told them that our idea was too good for a business plan.  It would just be a waste of time, we need first mover advantage, this bubble will pop soon, blah blah.  They were totally blown away — we secured $5 Million within 4 days.

Tulip: They’re obviously sophisticated investors.  Tell me about the team you’ve put together since then.

Huey: Well I knew that we needed to get big fast, so we recruited world-class web talent.  I immediately hired a bell-hop with one of those round hats to open our office doors.  We bought a Thai masseuse on the black market.  I hired someone to kidnap Bill Cosby so he could make us Jello Jigglers 24/7.  But I must admit, I thought it was total vanity when we hired those three experienced web developers, a user interface specialist, a project manager, a web designer, and a network administrator.  With those people on board, we almost couldn’t afford catered lunch everyday.

Tulip: So tell me about your website.  What does it do?

Huey: It’s pretty unremarkable.  We don’t make it clear what it does, or how people benefit by using it — I think that’s a strong reflection of our brand image. We ask people to sign up, and then to email all their friends before they have any idea that our site is underwhelming.

Tulip: Then…. what… does it… do?

Huey: People can add friends, message people, fill out a profile, vote on a couple of things.  But the key is that we’re harnessing the wisdom of crowds.  We’re totally changing the world.

Tulip: How are you doing that?

Huey: Well we had this promotion to launch our site where we parked outside the headquarters of Quaker Oats and handed out Watermelons that had Walrus fetuses planted inside.  At least 4500 people watched that on YouTube.  And it only cost us $50,000 — we’re all about maximizing shareholder value.

Tulip: What kind of defensible intellectual property do you guys have?

Huey:  We plan on suing anybody that has a website requiring people to use their eyeballs to look at a computer screen and then interpret the electrical signals with their brains. We figure that we’ve earned the exclusive rights to biochemical synaptic impulse.

Tulip: Agreed.  How do you plan on making money?

Huey: Advertising?  Transaction fees?  Subscription?  Micropayments?  I really haven’t thought about it too much.  We’ve actually just placed an empty box in the middle of our office with a sign that says: “Money Goes Here” with arrows pointing inside the box.  Checking the box every morning to see if money appears is kind of like Christmas coming everyday!

Tulip: Seems reasonable. Tell us about the groundbreaking partnerships you’ve forged.

Huey: We’re partnered with Bazooka Bubble Gum to indiscriminately sign up every person who’s ever returned the 50,000 Bazooka Joe comic strips necessary to receive the Bazooka Joe leather jacket.  Add that to the 4,700,000 recorded tax payers of Guatemala that we’ve imported into our database, and our company valuation is already through the roof.

Tulip: Amazing!  Anyway, thanks for taking the time today to speak to us, and let me know if I can invest in this juggernaut.

Huey:  We’re selling stock at 894,800 times revenue right now.  We can barely keep up with demand.  They’re born every minute, aren’t they?

Tulip: Ahahahahah, you so funny! Gahhhh.

Crackr.com launches today, November 12, 2007.  Toilet paper rolls of Crackr stock will be mailed to the house of every person who signs up.

Popularity: 43% [?]

‘Daylight Saving Time’ Computer Catastrophe Seemingly Ineffectual

Sunday, November 4th, 2007

AHH! Time went back an hour!!

Technical analysts were baffled across North America and Europe today after Daylight Saving Time (DST) came and went without the predicted computer catastrophe. After years of dire warnings and millions of dollars spent hastily on technical modernization projects, many people had hoarded dry goods and liquidated their bank accounts in preparation for an anarchy that never materialized.

“After all that hype, I’m kind of disappointed the world didn’t erupt in chaos,” posits local shoe salesman Ed Bundy from his specially constructed DST bunker burrowed below his house.

Reminiscent of the Y2K Bug at the turn of the millennium that also failed to capitalize on its horrific potential, the DST bug was implicated in supposed cataclysms like the poisoning of the public water supply and the reunification of the cast of Home Improvement for a sequel episode.

Local citizens turned back their clocks an hour at 2:00 am this morning, not knowing if they were about to unleash Armageddon.

“My hands were trembling, and there was sweat dripping off the tip of my nose,” recalls Samaritan Jackie Childs, “but when I put the clock back an hour, nothing happened. At all. I called the police to ask if there was some mistake, and they dispatched an officer to my house immediately.”

Among the worst incidents reported because of the aversion of apocalypse were:

  • airplanes full of embarrassed passengers who were randomly making out in anticipation of air traffic control failure
  • mass copies of the Star Wars prequels thrown on the streets, as people couldn’t imagine the disgrace of dying next to evidence of George Lucas’ own narcissism
  • spontaneous all-night ‘Achy Breaky’ line-dancing parties at local dance clubs

All victims will receive psychiatric counseling and coupons for McDonald’s Orange Drink.

Popularity: 19% [?]

‘Cool Site of the Day’ Erodes Own Credibility With ‘Humble Narrator’ Selection

Saturday, November 3rd, 2007

Cool?  More like deranged...

The pointlessly fake and, in most cases, insulting news world was rocked today after learning that ‘The Humble Narrator’ site had been awarded as the ‘Cool Site of the Day’ by Internet stalwart www.coolsiteoftheday.com for November 3, 2007.

“I hope this story is as fake as my journalistic standards,” responded ‘Humble’ creator Michael Parkatti. “I woke up this morning just in time to witness my crappy web hosting bend under the strain of the web’s collective will.  It almost gave me a heart attack.  Then again, my mornings are usually pretty intense, what with bacon and stuff.”

When asked how in God’s name he was able to swing getting the award, Parkatti suggested that, “the only thing I’ve done to deserve this was that time I ate my own underwear to win a bag of Mini Eggs.”

Industry analysts are grappling with the implications of the award.  “We may see his subscriber base increase from 9 to 10,” estimated Al Gore, creator of the Internet.  “But shit, that’s double digits — nothing to be ashamed of.”

“What’s more interesting is what kind of backlash ‘Cool Site’ will experience because of the selection.  A lot, and I mean a LOT of people hate this guy’s guts.  ‘Cool Site’ may have completely bankrupted whatever credibility they had left,” said Gore.

Parkatti isn’t complaining, however.

“Yeah, it’s a big thrill actually — except for those last three hours when ‘Cool Site’ went on the fritz and my traffic went back down to zero.  Good thing I had a giant bag of gasoline handy to sniff,” said the ‘Narrator’.

Popularity: 16% [?]

Internet Now Cool, Nerds Told to ‘Get Lost’

Tuesday, October 9th, 2007

Hey Nerds, Beat It!!

An alarming conclusion was reached today by a consortium of international sociologists, cultural icons, and demure hipsters: the Internet is finally cool. Coaxed on by the popularity of social networking site Facebook, enough normal red-blooded cool people have checked into the web to deem it socially acceptable. As a result, there are resounding calls worldwide for all nerds to cease and desist their activity on the web, and find something else to do.

Local superhunk Guy Awesome let his will be known on his high school’s Facebook Group ‘Lee Valley High Rulezzzz Shaka Jock Aktion 4Life’, saying that “if I see any of you toolz on ‘dis group, Im so seriuzly goin ta splode all ova yo ass, sliatch! Get LOST!” His show of solidarity caused his classmates to nominate his board post for a state literature grant.

Pointdexters across the planet are now wistfully wondering what their next move will be. Nerd leader Yick Yu seemed almost nostalgic while reminiscing, “I mean, I thought this whole Internet thing would be our permanent sanctuary — photochopping Captain Picard collages, debating whether Bigfoot bears live young or simply reproduces asexually like the Gremlins, or masturbating to actual porn instead of episodes of Trading Spaces… and now it’s all gone forever.”

In a completely unrelated story, it was reported that all Internet sites are now ‘broken’. A mysterious disappearance of anyone who has any idea what happened is apparently to blame. Without Facebook, hoards of jocks resorted to prank MSN Messenger conversations and posting drunk pictures of their buddies dressed as Thai hookers on HotOrNot.

Popularity: 18% [?]

Microsoft Awarded Patent For Latin Alphabet

Tuesday, October 9th, 2007

Make up your own alphabet, nerd!

In a move widely lauded by Wall Street analysts, Microsoft has today been awarded US Patent # 45,222,987 for “A device, methodology, and communications medium compromising a set of markings commonly referred to as the Latin Alphabet”.  In the public domain since the 7th century BC, the original 23 letters of the Latin Alphabet (along with its three later additions) have come to permeate western society in recent millennia, used to communicate such written concepts as tax forms and baby food labeling.  With Microsoft now in firm control of its rightful use, the software giant is poised to establish another unearned monopoly using a rather ordinary product.

CEO Steve Ballmer was dismissive of any suggestions that this new patent was grossly overbearing, and would end up miring society in incalculable disarray.  “Do you know who we employ here?” asked Ballmer.  “Developers developers developers developers, developers developers developers developers, WOOOO WOWOOO WOOOOOO YAAAAAAA WOOOO WOOOO YAAAAAAAAA   AAAAAAAAAAA!”  His spokesperson later clarified his comments, saying that because Microsoft developers encode their software using the letters of the alphabet, they assumed that they were the ones who invented it, and wanted to cash in on its confusingly ubiquitous presence in general society.

“Bill Gates uses the alphabet all the time,” explains Ray Ozzie, Chief Software Architect, “and he forgets when he started using it.  It’s a safe bet that he probably invented it at some point while trying to explain his thoughts to his subordinates, who couldn’t understand his messianic gestures or psychic dialog.”

It is unclear how Microsoft intends to enforce the patent — they may choose to pursue individual litigation, enslave certain island nations that no one cares about, or simply proclaim that the entire world is licensing their technology and seize national treasuries.

Industry expert Franca Lingua of the University of Rotterdam expects there to be a world wide backlash against the patent, but could not transmit his thoughts over email without using letters, and resorted to using various permutations of symbols and punctuation to describe how he felt: “*#({{{{{,” he said, “~~~~|//\\+!”  The AP has assumed that this means he is either unhappy with the legal decision, or is pregnant with a dinosaur.

Popularity: 43% [?]