Archive for the ‘Sports’ Category

Barry Bonds Claims That He ‘Didn’t Knowingly’ Ingest Pop-Tarts

Friday, November 16th, 2007

It might have been tasty, but I wouldn't know...

Federal Prosecutors indicted baseball slugger Barry Bonds yesterday on four charges of perjury and one for obstruction of justice for his Grand Jury testimony regarding alleged consumption of toaster treat Pop-Tarts.

Because the investigation into the morning sugar-snack controversy had unfolded over four years, the sudden indictment surprised sports analysts and legal experts alike. Bonds’ former trainer and suspected Pop-Tart dealer Greg Anderson was also released from custody, after nearly a year spent in prison for refusing to disclose his involvement in the star’s gastrointestinal habits. It’s unclear what new evidence the government has compiled on Bonds, but those familiar with the case suggest the home run king may be facing real prison time.

“Prosecutors had found a calender in Anderson’s office that was ostensibly marked with the acronyms ‘BB’ and ‘PT’ along with the time 7:15 am — it’s almost as if this was a full Pop-Tart scheduling system,” says legal analyst John Juice. “They also found a blood sample marked ‘Barry B’ that tested positive for Pop-Tarts. Government DNA testing results to verify if this was indeed Bonds’ blood have been kept secret, however.”

Baseball dilettante Joe Buck suggests that the evidence of Bonds’ Pop-Tart abuse is only too plain to recognize. “He broke into the league in the 80’s as a lithe, defensive outfielder. In the late 90s he began the transformation into a behemoth, packing on 240 lbs of muscle, and having a head the size of a small solar system,” says Buck. “It doesn’t take a Bachelor of Fine Arts to figure out that this guy was huffing a serious amount of Tarts.”

Doctors disagree about what Bonds’ long-term health implications are because of his prolonged dependence on Pop-Tarts. “I’d assume that he’ll be carrying around Rolaids for the remainder of his natural life,” suggests Dr. Phil Fulton. “I also would not be surprised if he develops chronic arthritis in his thumbs at an early age, because of the near-constant toaster use.”

In an interview with 60 Minutes this past October, Bonds became visibly irritated at questions about whether his alleged Pop-Tart abuse would taint his home run records, whether a chorus of toasters heard popping in the background were preparing Pop-Tarts for his consumption after the interview, and also whether a square shaped item he was eating obscured by paper was indeed a Pop-Tart.

“I haven’t played this sport my entire life only to face questions about my sportsmanship. These records won’t be tainted. At all. Period. YUM Yum. Home runs. Chomp chomp. Dead. Blueberry. Sucky suck…. Mmmmm. Hey Dad, grab the measuring tape, I think my head just grew another inch in circumference!” said Bonds.

Popularity: 31% [?]

A-Rod Signs 10Yr/$300M Deal With Red Cross

Thursday, October 11th, 2007

A-Rod cashes out with the Red Cross

Baseball superstar Alex Rodriguez shocked the sports world today by opting out of his contract with the New York Yankees to sign a record-breaking 10 Year / $300 Million deal with the International Committee of the Red Cross.  It had been widely speculated that A-Rod would sign with the Angels, Cubs, or Mets, potentially with deals including part-ownership of the clubs.  Obviously, the superstar had something else in mind.

At an afternoon press conference, Rodriguez’s agent Scott Boras discussed what was important for the superstar in finding a new team: “Listen, this is is not a baseball thing, this is above baseball.  Alex is a sentient being, who feels like he’s been underutilized simply waving a piece of wood at a hyperaccelerated missile.  This gives him a chance to reach his full potential.”

Red Cross management seems to agree.  “We had a massive hole in our Accounts Receivable lineup, and when A-Rod’s people called me, it made immediate sense to hire him,” said International Committee of the Red Cross President Jakob Kellenberger.  When asked what perks the ICRC flashed to compete with equity deals from other clubs, Kellenberger was coy, saying, “let’s just say we have a healthy supply of hospital scrubs and hand sanitizer.”

Rodriguez himself didn’t even seem to contemplate how this signing will impact his pursuit of the career home run title — he is projected to eclipse Barry Bonds’ mark in the 6th or 7th year of this contract.  “I’m sure I’ll fit a few dingers in between my account reconciliations and operational audits,” said A-Rod with a smile, “and I hear that Doctors-Without-Borders has a shitty pitching staff.”

To signal his enthusiasm to join the squad, Rodriguez has agreed to move from his natural position of Senior Accounting Manager to Internal Revenue Auditor, a spot he hasn’t filled since his college days.

Popularity: 29% [?]

Rubik’s Champ Admits Habitual Steroid Use

Monday, October 8th, 2007

Yeah, but have you solved it, on ROIDS?

The nerd-infused coloured puzzle community was rocked today with the news that perennial Rubik’s Cube World Champion Yu Nakajima has admitted to heavy and long-standing abuse of steroids yesterday to a Federal Grand Jury. The 16 year old Supercuber delivered highly emotional testimony, confessing to charges including lying to federal investigators and perjuring himself in previous testimony.

A rival Rubik’s Cube player whom did not want to be named said that the revelations are a long-time coming, simply proving what their community has known about Nakajima for several years. “I mean, shit, take a look at the size of his wrists,” he said, “he could probably twist the rivets off a suspension bridge with those pythons! And it’s not like he was a freelance udder-milker or something — one day he was a frail, prepubescent sophomore, the next he was a supercharged hyperstroker. Something didn’t add up.”

Officials are now deliberating whether or not Yakajima should keep his previous world championships — they have the constitutional authority to rescind any ill-gotten awards within the last 8 years. Winings to be seized may include his Rubik’s Cube Golden League earnings, and his lucrative endorsement deals with Upper Deck, Gatorade, and Aunt Jemima Pancake Syrup.

The fiery champion — who frequently smashed cubes in disgust and berated opponents with supposed knowledge of their mother’s genitalia — was known as much for his brazen behaviour off the Rubik’s Cube circuit as on it. During a recent charity appearance, he publicly challenged ex-Saved By The Bell Star Dustin Diamond to a game of knuckles, and proceeded to break three bones in Screech’s hand.

Outgoing World Anti-Doping Agency (WADA) chief Dick Pound (yes, Montreal lawyer Dick Pound), was happy that another pawn in his game to bring down the international steroid conspiracy had fallen. “We can now revisit the reality that no natural human being can solve a Rubik’s Cube — it is only through the unnatural acts of a cyborg that the 3X3 matrix can be successfully decrypted. Let’s face facts people… without steroids, we’re just not that capable of a civilization, and I’d like to keep it that way.”

Popularity: 20% [?]

OJ Forced to Beat a Bad Rap, AGAIN

Thursday, September 27th, 2007

OJ wants to become Dr. Claw!!!

Guest Column by: Matt Robertson

Legendary running back Orenthal James Simpson is once again at the centre of a complex conspiracy. The colourfully nicknamed “Juicy Guy” is in deep, having been arrested under false suspicion on Sunday, ironically enough the same day in which noble non-criminal, non-roidmonkeys take to the field to entertain North American sports enthusiasts; bummer.

A sports memorabilia dealer was quietly sitting in his Las Vegas hotel room, presumably enjoying a lap dance from one of Vegas’ renowned pay-as-you-go companions, when O.J. and two accomplices (read: Cato Kaelin and Kato from the Green Hornet) entered the room demanding restitution. O.J. was on a mission to reclaim items that were once his, before a ridiculous civil court ruling forced him into hoc. It seems some corrupt law enforcement officer super-glued a gun to the supple hand of Simpson making it appear as though he was committing armed robbery. Unfortunately, O.J. was not wearing his trademark gloves, which would have protected his hands from such an assault. Now the modern day Joan of Arc faces a daunting struggle against a racist and devious justice system.

Simpson was questioned on the matter by the very same meanies who are trying to frame him. Earlier this summer his attempt to become a J.K. Rowling of America was thwarted. What a run of bad luck!

Fortunately for O.J., this little incident will enable him to resurrect his former glory as cameras are indeed permitted in Nevada courtrooms. Can you say “Liberty and Entertainment for all”? You see, Simpson was a CNN “Must See T.V.” sensation in the mid-nineties, setting the bar for future stars of the small screen like Ray Romano and the Two Corys. O.J. was acquitted of double homicide in 1995, an event watched by an estimated 150 million American viewers. O.J. should be able to use his charm and legal beagles to beat a bad rap again. Happy news for all, this time what happens in Vegas will not stay in Vegas, but rather be beamed around the earth to illuminate and enrich the lives of millions.

Popularity: 9% [?]

Coach Belichick Heads Global Spy Agency

Friday, September 21st, 2007

Belichick is spying on you right now...

The night was thick with atmosphere, and I was choking on my own fear. This was the Guatemalan rainforest, and I was in pursuit of a mystical figure named “Squidge”, the unofficial agent of the world’s largest private spying organization. It is here that Coach Belichick chooses to locate his operations, under the auspices of a thriving organic potato business.

For all the pomp and bright lights of the NFL football season, the real work is conducted here, at Belichick’s underground headquarters, known as HutHut. The Patriots have a long history of coming up with the right play or the right read at the right time, winning multiple NFL championships along the way. And really, which human being hasn’t considered the possibility that Tom Brady is a robot made in a laboratory?

The lid blew off this story when it was confirmed that Belichick was spying against the New York Jets on their sidelines during a game on September 9th. But the major media assumes that the story ends with the cameras in the stadium, and the combined $750,000 fine received by the coach and the team. That’s what Belichick wants you to believe.

Reality, however, confirms that the sideline incident was just the tip of the iceberg for the Coach’s unprecedented clandestine operations. My meeting with bestial Squidge simply confirms this.

“You’ve got no fucking idea what this guy has planned,” says Squidge, who smells like he just ate a rabbit. “You think Capone was paranoid? Belichick has his hands in shit that you couldn’t fathom, he’s got every politician and bureaucrat in his pocket, and he’s just getting started.”

When asked what the deuce he’s talking about, Squidge elaborates: “He’s obsessed with winning the Super Bowl every year. You name it, this guy has done just about everything imaginable to win football games.”

Intrigued, I tested his theory. “So he’s set up faulty alarm clocks in opposing player’s hotel rooms?”

“Of course,” says Squidge.

“He’s created a time machine to procreate with the Commissioner’s mother?”

Squidge slowly shakes his head in admission.

“He’s created an army of trained seals to recite lines of Victorian poetry in Antarctica, thereby setting off a wave of global Chaos Theory, resulting in precise wind gusts during opposing field goal attempts?”

“That too…” says Squidge.

I try to think of the most horrible thing imaginable. “He was the one who pulled strings to get Britney in the Mickey Mouse Club?”

“YES, YES, enough!!!!! I can’t stand this horrible truth!” cries out Squidge.

All of a sudden, the world comes much more into focus, somehow more familiar, more genuine. Most of the human atrocities attributed to disease, war, strife, or Kraft Foods has a perfectly reasonable explanation. And here I thought it was the CIA doing all this — people give that agency way too much credit with their crackpot theories! It’s been Belichick all along.

Or maybe not, and people don’t give a shit that someone is taping the opposing team’s sidelines? Well, either/or really.

Popularity: 11% [?]

Everett Injury Recalls Sports Disasters

Tuesday, September 11th, 2007

Kevin Everett's injury recalls ghosts of sports disasters past

Third-year NFL player and Buffalo Bills Tight End Kevin Everett sustained life-threatening cervical spine injuries during a game against the Denver Broncos on Sunday. While jumping in to make a tackle during a kick return by Domenik Hixon in the second half, Everett hit Hixon high on the left shoulder / side of the helmet with his own helmet, and dropped face-first to the ground. Recent evaluations by team doctors have given Everett little chance of a full recovery:

“A best-case scenario is full recovery, but not likely,” orthopedic surgeon Andrew Cappuccino said. “I believe there will be some permanent neurologic deficit.”

This whole situation makes me sick to my stomach, not least because the coverage of the event was a mixed bag of sentimentality. While watching NFL broadcasts on Sunday and Monday, I noticed that both NBC and ESPN tried to do Everett justice by presenting grave reports of the player’s deteriorating condition, bookended by usual schoolboy giggling and over-enthusiastic analysis. Chris Berman delivered his straight-mouthed report on Everett less than a couple of minutes after a trademark “HE, COULD, GO, ALL, THE, WAY!” during his highlight clips. The NFL is trying to put a good face on it all, with brave statements from the team and league commissioner pretty much saying, ‘yeah, it sucks he’s hurt, but let’s go get shit-faced and watch some football!’ [paraphrased].

Even more ridiculous was the AP’s insistence on drudging out poor Mike Utley — who suffered a spinal chord injury of his own in 1991 — to give the requisite ‘that’s too bad’ talk from the hard-up sympathizer. I can just imagine the reporter’s discussion with Utley:

Reporter: What do you think of the situation that Kevin Everett is going through?
Utley: IT’S BAD!

This whole situation should serve as a reminder that shit happens on a daily basis, and in professional sports in particular. People die in the field of play. I know we think of our sportsmen as modern day gladiators, but we should all insist on the most stringent of safety guidelines. Even though hockey helmets had been in existence for years, Bill Masterton of the Minnesota North Stars was killed during an on-ice NHL incident in 1968:

Only a few watched his skates slip out from under him as he toppled backward. His head hit the ice, and blood gushed from his nose and ears. A teammate who rushed to his aid heard Masterton murmur, “Never again. Never again.” Then he lost consciousness. Thirty hours later, Bill Masterton died from what doctors described as a “massive brain injury.”

The NHL honours Masterton with an annual trophy given out in his name to the player exemplifying the most dedication, sportsmanship, and perseverance in the name of hockey. Sounds pretty sweet, but I’m sure good ol’ Bill would rather have worn a helmet and lived that day than be one of 87 trophies given out during the NHL Awards Night. No one has died in the NHL since, though players have sustained career ending injuries, been blinded by on-ice play, and been concussed into oblivion. Yes, the NHL has moved on from killing its players, to extinguishing the lives of 14 year old girls watching in the stands.

This situation is the worst kind possible: everyone is completely powerless to change anything. What’s done is done, and Everett may still die or never walk again. This forces a sobering set of filters through which to watch and enjoy pro sports these days. It’s the thrill, excitement, and the very chance of something cataclysmic happening (see: NASCAR) that keeps some people entertained. We all get to feel bad for a moment to reflect on the fragility of life. And then we get to go back to shotgunning a few beers and complaining about the refs. Guys like Kevin, Bill, and Mike get to wear their scars for the rest of their lives.

And oh yeah, the Bills lost on Sunday on a last second field goal. Shitty!

Popularity: 19% [?]

Canada Provides Russia With New Anus

Monday, September 10th, 2007

Canada celebrates as two polar bears fight over dinner

It’s official: Russians have inexplicably forgotten how to play hockey. What alternative conclusion can be drawn from Canada’s ridiculous 7 wins and 1 tie record against the race of people who eat fruit loops with vodka instead of milk over 8 games? I’m no statistician, but outscoring the Russians by a margin of 259-3 (estimated) over the so-called ‘Super Series’ means that this rivalry is officially dead until the chess-playing Bolsheviks can actually muster their own pride. Everyone knows that Russians can play hockey; it’s just confusing how they’ve fallen off the map over the past few years. For those keeping score at home, this pounding is in addition to three straight Canadian World Junior Championships against the very same Russians in the gold medal game. Maybe the Russians need more of what Troy Glaus has been chomping on.

This whole thing is just a huge spit in the face to how awesome the Canada-Russia rivalry once was. Many hockey retards (ie Americans) call the 1980 USA-Soviet clash at the Olympics the best hockey game, but educated hockeyologists know this to be completely false. The 1972 Summit Series was the most passionate hockey every played, while the 1987 Canada Cup (featuring a top line with Gretzky and Lemieux in their primes) featured the best hockey ever played. It’s been pretty even over the years, with each country amassing their own major victories. I just wish the rivalry could go back to a time when the games meant something ideological. Playing the Soviet Union was like pitting the Greeks versus the Persians — either you win, or your world is destroyed. Now it’s like watching a regular season tilt between the Florida Panthers and the Phoenix Coyotes.

What can be done to salvage this situation? Encourage Russia to go back to Communism, of course! I propose that every able-bodied Canadian male set sail for the Russian Empire to fight on the side of the Reds against the tyrannical White Imperialists. Let’s get Lenin back, stir the shit storm, get everyone scared again. Hell, it’d be a lot cooler than worrying about religious zealots crashing our planes. Communists were cool because they hated religion — if you can think of anything more post-modern, I’d like to hear it.

Here’s to hoping that one day, Communism will prevail in Russia, simply so we can have some sweet hockey games again between the two rightful hockey powers. In memory, I’ve attached a video of the Canada-USSR bench clearing brawl at the 1987 World Junior Championships. With Canada leading 4-2 in the second period, with the gold medal assured with a victory, they decided that they would rather beat the shit out of Soviets than win the tournament. It’s modern-day chivalry.

Popularity: 11% [?]

Fernando’s Condition is Giving Him Ulcers!

Sunday, September 9th, 2007

Fernando overlayed against chronic ulcerative colitis

So recently I was reading up about the upcoming Oiler season and the recent challenges therein (yes, I’m a fan of the Oilers. I’ll accept your gratitude with leftover Boris Mironov hockey cards). No sooner had the Hockey News selected the Oilers to finish 13th in the Western Conference that 2006 Stanley Cup playoff hero Fernando Pisani was reported to be suffering from a mysterious illness and would be out indefinitely. After properly sedating myself, I calmed down and did some research into the culprit, Ulcerative Colitis.

Like Crohn’s Disease, it’s an illness of the digestive tract, though UC is concentrated solely on the large intestine. However, its intensity and level of impairment can vary widely, with some people recovering after a few days, and others requiring surgery to remove their entire colon (the only known cure). UC can afflict someone for their entire lives, alternating between periods of symptom free living and periods of 6 times a day blood craps.

Hockey message boards have been busy with postings from supposed friends and acquaintances, and the general consensus is that Fernando is having extreme symptoms of the disease right now, having problems getting out of bed and living his life, let alone making it to the rink. The Oilers have a fairly large hole on the right wing to fill for the foreeseeable future, while Mr. Pisani may need to change his bedsheets 3 times a day. Once again, the Creator has the last laugh against the Oilers and their brethren. Stay patient Oil fans, it could be a long season with out Fernando and his ABBA post goal celebrations.

Popularity: 9% [?]