Archive for the ‘Religion’ Category

Archaeological Evidence Confirms Jesus Drove An SUV

Wednesday, October 24th, 2007

Talk about a pimp-ride!

An archaeological excavation near Galilee has confirmed environmentalist evangelicals’ worst fears: Jesus actually did drive an SUV. This finding is expected to instantly bilk the humour from millions of bumper stickers worldwide, and to force historians to rethink the timing of the industrial revolution with an event that predates the invention of the automobile by approximately two millennia.

The dig site, supervised by University of Jerusalem Professor Eric Smith, has produced a large cast-iron chassis, along with chrome remnants of what’s believed to be bumpers and rims. A variety of organic material suspected to be customized leather was found, consistently monogrammed with the vernacular “J/Chriz”, leading scholars to the conclusion that this was the vehicle of the Christ.

“Jesus was above all practical,” explained Professor Smith, “and at the time, Roman horse-feed surcharges had forced people in the Middle East to innovate like never before. Why pay the Romans a King’s Ransom, when you could ride like the rap superstars of the future? And with an ever-expanding cadre of disciples, Jesus needed something that could carry his entire krew.” Professor Smith explicitly misspelled crew in his remarks, ostensibly because of his enormous street cred (as in credibility).

Theologians around the world were questioning why Jesus would choose an SUV as his transportation mode of choice. “Really, what advantages are gained by an SUV over, say, a GT snow racer, or a train?” mused a local right-wing Jesus-type. “You’d expect the Son of God to not fear injury in a crash scenario… maybe he had a bad experience with a subcompact early in his life.”

To commemorate the discovery, all three Detroit automakers are planning special ‘Jesus’ editions of their SUV lineups. Ford will release the Ecclesiastical Explorer in time for the 2009 model year, while Jeep is readying a Commander Crucifix for their late 2009 line-up. Models will feature navigation systems with flat earth maps, detection systems on the passenger side bucket seat to determine if the occupant is still a virgin, and free CD copies of Creed’s entire discography permanently affixed inside the car’s stereo system CD changer.

Popularity: 26% [?]

Vatican Official Hired Over Sex Scandal

Monday, October 15th, 2007

Bring the diamond laced handcuffs father!

The Vatican announced today that they have filled an important role within the Roman Curia after an exhaustive sex scandal search. Appointed to the role of Prefect for the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith (CDF) will be Cardinal Cedric Offishall, after his respective sex scandal was deemed simultaneously the most ludicrous and erotic by The Holy See.

“He just wanted it the most,” said Cardinal Memberto, “the whole thing was on videotape, and I don’t think anybody could really tell if that was a goat or not, but it was part of its charm. What a showman.”

“I’ve never seen rhubarb used as a sexual aid before,” added Arch-Bishop O’Leary, “which just goes to show his creativity. He’ll really represent the Vatican well in public events, especially the upcoming reality TV show ‘Altar Boyz’. This guy’s got a natural screen presence, and a case of glistening buttock that would make Rob Lowe jealous.”

Before confirming the appointment, Cardinal Secretary of State Bertone commissioned the requisite Holy Striptease of Offishall. A traditional rite of passage, this popular festivity is termed ‘The Full Ponty’ by Vatican insiders. Apparently, Cardinal Offishall closed his set off with a double-fist-pumping-jump-hump into the audience.

Preparations are feverishly underway for the new CDF Chief’s arrival. “He’s asked for a full mirror to be installed on his office ceiling, and for fog machines and strobe lights to be mounted on the walls,” said Papal Secretary Jimmy Smits. “I don’t even want to ask what he’s got planned.”

First on his long list of upcoming events is a diplomatic dinner with Nelson Mandela, Physicist Stephen Hawking, Former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger, and TV sports personality Dick Vitale.

Popularity: 27% [?]

Lies, Damn Lies, and Noah’s Ark

Wednesday, September 12th, 2007

You're telling me he got Blue Whales on the Ark?

Today I had the pleasure of watching a documentary on modern-day searches for Noah’s Ark. A long imagined destination has been Mount Ararat in Turkey, the final resting place of the ark according to scripture. The far left and right photos feature geological ‘anomalies’ in the Ararat region, which followers of Biblical inerrancy (the literal word of the Bible) have touted as potential sites of the Ark.

There has been some recent news on this story, as researchers from the University of Richmond have created a 3-dimensional model of the main ‘Mr Ararat Anomaly’. The Ararat site itself is very inhospitable, and until recently was under restricted access by the Turkish government. This gives believers in literal interpretation the ammunition they need to keep their hopes alive from afar.

But, let’s look at the facts, courtesy of my favourite thing on the planet, Wikipedia:

The many associated questions include whether eight humans could have cared for the animals while also sailing the Ark, how the special dietary needs of some of the more exotic animals could have been catered for, how the creatures could have been prevented from preying on each other, questions of lighting, ventilation, and temperature control, hibernation, the survival and germination of seeds, the position of freshwater and saltwater fish, the question of what the animals would have eaten immediately after leaving the Ark, how they traveled (or were gathered) from all over the world to board the Ark and how they could have returned to their far-flung habitats across the Earth’s bare, flood-devastated terrain, and how two or a few members of a species could have provided enough genetic variety to avoid inbreeding and reconstitute a healthy population.

Sounds pretty convincing, no? But here’s my question: the ark was supposed to be 300 cubits in length, roughly 450 feet. The longest wooden boat in recorded history was the schooner Wyoming (launched 1909), which was about 330 feet in length, and required extensive iron bracing in its construction to counteract extreme warping of the hull. How the hell could one dude have constructed a boat to lengths 36% longer than modern shipbuilders ever achieved at the extremes of their craft?

He was supposed to have collected two of every species on the plant, which in made-up creationist terms, must also have included the largest animal of all time, the Blue Whale. Even though it might make sense NOT to take marine species in a flood, the scripture talks about two of EVERY animal! OK, a) how did he capture a Blue Whale, b) how could he fit two of them in his boat (Blue Whales can grow to 110 feet, meaning two of them would have used over half the area of his ark), and c) how could they have survived 150 days laying motionless without a specialized diet? Not possible.

Sometimes, it makes a lot more sense to interpret the stories of the Bible as just that, stories. It’s a tale of morality, perseverance, loyalty, and servitude and should be appreciated on its moral merits, rather than its scientific ones. With the last word, is Penn and Teller’s take on the tale of Noah’s Ark.

Popularity: 14% [?]