Archive for the ‘Pop Culture’ Category

Christina Aguilera Pregnant, Automatic Dialer Deployed To Identify Paternal Candidates

Tuesday, November 6th, 2007

Hey, can you ask the rest of your block if they forgot condoms too?

Chalk up another victory for disciplined, planned parenthood!  It was announced yesterday that Christina Aguilera is pregnant with her first child — news which thrilled her remaining delusional enclave of fans.

“I couldn’t be more happy for her!” proclaimed a local uncultured tart, whose insistence on wearing hoochie-pants belied her late 90’s coming-of-age.

Though the child was presumed to be the product of her two year marriage to music executive Jordan Bratman, Aguilera incredulously sloughed off such rumours.  In a press release, she congratulated the entire male populations of both the continental United States and the ‘Known World’ as collective fathers:

We’ve had a good run over the last nine years, and whether I slept with you (highly likely) or simply acted as a masturbatory muse, I want to thank you for your combined and continued support.

To whittle down potential paternal candidates to a non-hyperbolic figure, state officials have deployed the services of a 70’s era automatic dialing machine that will cycle through all 10 billion possible numbers between 000-000-0000 and 999-999-9999 to deliver the following prerecorded message:

  • Press one if you’ve copulated with Ms. Aguilera in the last 9 months
  • Press two if your reproductive tissue has been dispensed within a radius of 20 feet from Ms. Aguilera’s physical body
  • Press three if you’ve mailed samples of your gametes to Ms. Aguilera or anyone in her acquaintance
  • Hang up now if none of the previous statements are true — ahahah, I know, I know

It’s expected that every man currently living on the planet or his direct descendants will be contacted approximately by the year 2650.  Because of the potential for multiple DNA matches (one out of every 13,500,000 men carry similar DNA profiles), Axe Body Spray has offered to hold the top class-action litigation law firm on retainer on behalf of men worldwide.

Once the legal precedents are established, joint custody will be granted in the form of membership to a co-operative organization, the Collective Lovers of Aguilera Posse, or CLAP.  Benefits of membership will include a laminated name-tag, monthly newsletter, and official coital rights of entry (though no official rights are usually necessary).

Popularity: 29% [?]

‘Duck Hunt’ Franchise Shows Fatigue In Ill-Fated New Movie Adaptation

Monday, November 5th, 2007

How do I sleep with a 2D character?

That laughing dog has one more thing to giggle about.

Film reviewers were merciless this week in their excoriation of the recent big-screen adaption of the video gaming classic ‘Duck Hunt’. Trying to bank on the recent trend of adapting video game classics to film, ‘Duck Hunt: The Movie’ instead provided critics with a lot to take aim at.

“I’m not sure where to begin,” fumed critic impresario Roger Ebert. “The fact that we don’t leave the confines of the two-dimensional field of play leaves the directors with little dramatic options, the stilted interplay between the original characters and new bankable stars like Angelina Jolie and Soundwave from Transformers leaves much to be desired, and relying entirely on the NES 8-bit graphics engine has produced predictable and yawn-inspiring special effects.”

“Whoever greenlighted this film should be subject to an involuntary sex change,” added Ebert.

Reports of creative conflict dogged the film through pre-production and principle shooting.

“I don’t think I’ll ever work with animals again,” offers Angelina Jolie. “Every few minutes the ducks would take off, the entire sky would go instantly yellow, and a massive ‘Fly Away’ wordmark would flash in the air. It was obviously very frustrating. Not to mention that condescending dog kept on laughing at everybody — I would have put cyanide in his water dish if it weren’t for those PETA representatives on set.”

Among other shortfalls identified by critics were:

  • the film’s reliance on repetitive scenes using recurring patterns of action
  • an absence of an actual ‘duck hunter’ character — shots ring in as if they were directed by God
  • a superfluously graphic romantic subplot involving Soundwave and an injured Mallard (”I thought that kind of thing was only legal in Croatia?” asks Richard Roeper)

Despite the dismal opening box office, Paramount Pictures has commissioned a sequel to ‘Duck Hunt’, which industry insiders say will explore the fragility of mankind and our ultimately futile stewardship of the environment.

“They’re casting a monkey and a talking human buttock in the lead roles,” says ET anchor Sugar Ray.

Popularity: 30% [?]

‘Harry Potter’ TV Spin-off Announced In Buddy Cop Subgenre

Friday, November 2nd, 2007

Bad Boys, Bad Boys, cast a spell on you! Cast a spell on you when they come for you!

Only one day after announcing an illustrated book offshoot in the Harry Potter universe, author/deity J.K. Rowling today announced that a ‘buddy cop’ TV spin-off is in development featuring Harry and the incorrigible Professor Flitwick.

“I think a lot of readers really enjoyed the chemistry between Harry and the Professor during the series,” suggested Rowling, “so we wanted to grant the fans an opportunity to witness the personal interplay between these two characters in a more gritty, down-to-earth environment.”

Rowling also disclosed that discussions have been ongoing for some time regarding a franchised ‘Potter’ cop drama, but earlier incarnations hadn’t met her high standard of quality.

“We were hoping to contrast Harry’s by-the-book no-nonsense white officer with a young streetwise black cop who likes to bend the rules — but I felt that formula was perhaps pushing the creative envelope a bit too far. I didn’t think the audience was ready for that tandem. So that’s when we started playing around with the idea of another internal character to pair him with.”

The new series will be set on the mean streets of Detroit, where Harry and Flitwick will routinely deal with drug crime, organized street gangs, and transgendered prostitutes. Reports suggest that he will be stripped of his magical power after a Pilates-related catastrophe.

“Harry’s trading in his wand for a magnum,” says pointless TV pundit Greasy Monkerson. “We’ve heard that he’ll be growing some stubble and spewing some street euphemisms like biznatch, mofo, and penisbreath. Also, he’ll take the loss of his powers quite hard — scenes will routinely depict him smoking a crackpipe while crying, and practicing self-mutilation. Harry, you’re a big kid now!!”

Professor Flitwick, meanwhile, will turn into the father figure many fans already thought of him as. “Flitwick will assume the role of grizzled veteran, who acts as a mentor to Harry. There are plans for groundbreaking scenes where Harry’s precociousness will cause Flitwick to say sarcastic one-liners like ‘I didn’t sign up for this’ or ‘I’m only three years to retirement and I have to deal with this shit?’. It’s groundbreaking in its genius…”

The series will run on Mondays opposite Two and a Half Men.

Popularity: 30% [?]

Lance Armstrong And Ashley Olsen? Say Hello To ‘Asstrong’!

Thursday, November 1st, 2007

I love your testicle!

From Dallas, Texas, the flash, apparently official. Tour de France champion Lance Armstrong and Full House alumnus Ashley Olsen started dating at 1:00 P.M. Central Standard Time, two o’clock Eastern Standard Time… Some thirty-eight minutes ago.

Arise Sir Armstrong and Dame Olsen…

I deem you: Asstrong!

Popularity: 45% [?]

Radiohead’s Pick-Your-Price Forces Hung To Push Boundaries

Friday, October 12th, 2007

Hung, I AM your father!

Like the rest of us, the morning of October 1st started just like any other early autumn day for William Hung — paying hotel damage deposits after yet another evening of high priced hookers and improvised phalli. But over his morning cup of java, Hung ended up spitting a mouthful of coffee all over one of the girls still sleeping in his hotel room. And then he read the paper. And then he got a great idea!

He’d just read about Radiohead announcing their intention to digitally release their new album over the Internet, and allowing anyone to pay whatever they wanted for it — including nothing. ‘What bravado,’ Hung thought, and it motivated him into a chain of events culminating in his own ambitious plans, divulged in a press release today:

“Starting today, any visitor to williamhung.com can purchase songs from my website. Any song. You pick the song, and I’ll sing it for you live — and a digital copy will be uploaded to your hard-drive afterwards. I don’t even need to know the song. I’ll just guess the lyrics if I have to. You listen to whatever you want to hear, and pay whatever you want to pay. Donations are encouraged, as my set of false Asian-Stereotype-Teeth are wearing past the point of usability.”

Industry analysts — still reeling over the implications of Radiohead’s In Rainbows album setting a new floating price precedent — are shocked. “This puts us into a whole new era of music,” says NME’s Over Hyperson, “and of course it’s William’s innovations that are introducing us to the future. In one fell-swoop, he has brushed aside Radiohead’s relevance both musically and industrially. A genius at work, in a time when geniuses are dishearteningly rare.”

Some brave souls are trying to stump Hung’s breathtaking musical cannon, and are having mixed results.

“One guy tried to get me to sing the Sirens’ song encountered by Ulysses in The Odyssey, so I ended up just moaning my interpretation of what rubbing nipples sounds like,” said Hung, “I don’t think he ended up paying anything.”

Asked how this would impact his touring revenue, as his fans can now listen to Hung whenever they want, Hung was optimistic: “I wasn’t really getting all that much money from the high school volleyball games or Senate confirmation hearings I was playing before… so this new customized bespoke format of singing may actually increase my earnings. No one’s paid for anything yet, but the law of averages suggests that some idiot will actually think I have more talent than a beached Sperm Whale that’s nearing death.”

Popularity: 49% [?]

50 Cent Bored of Perfection, Quits Touring

Thursday, September 13th, 2007

 Why tour when you're already rich??

In a masterstroke of artist evolution, rapper 50 Cent announced yesterday in an interview that he was planning to quit touring altogether, due to his becoming tired with the format and the futility of continuing his unquestioned perfection of the craft.

“Hey, sometimes the best need to just know when to pack it in,” said Mr. Cent, “I remember when I was growing up and Santa stopped coming around, I knew that he probably just got tired of it — you know, being the best at what he did.”

Asked if he was considering following the path of The Beatles in 1966, and has quit touring in order to concentrate on perfecting his recorded sound, Fitty replied, “Have you seen the fuckin’ tracks on my last album? ‘My Gun Go Off’, ‘I’ll Still Kill’, ‘Peep Show’… what else is there to do? I think I’ve covered music’s potential.” Prodded as to how he could possibly have exhausted every permutation of chord arrangement and sonic tone, 50 looked confused, and rubbed his groin in a suggestive manner.

It’s obvious that he is a man dealing soberly with his own brilliance, something that all preceding saviours of music have combated before him. “Beethoven, [Frank] Sinatra, The Beatles, Wilson Phillips… all the greats, they’ve all contacted me to let me know that I’m better than them. I’m not sure what there is left to do,” said Cent with a ponderous sigh. When it was pointed out that most of those acts are dead, 50 looked confused, and rubbed his groin in a suggestive manner.

It is sad to see a legend kill his own career at the height of his powers. His genius will live on, in his music, his cultural significance, and his 50 Cent brand shampoo.

Popularity: 11% [?]

Britney Foretells The Demise of Pop Music

Monday, September 10th, 2007

Britney's awful music turns Lance Bass gay and eventually into a horribly disfigured supporting character in The Goonies

I’ve got to be honest: I haven’t actually watched Britney Spears’ performance from the MTV VMA Awards last night, but by all accounts, it was deemed to be equal parts embarrassment and tomfoolery. Dancing out of step, lip-syncing to perhaps a song from another lifetime, and looking like she’d guzzled her share of Coors Lights on the summer softball circuit, Britney’s appearance was panned by many so-called pop culture ‘experts’ and audience members alike.

I’ve been a vocal critic of the music industry and the major labels in the last ten years, not least because of their ridiculous response to the Internet Age and digital distribution. But my main gripe is that their music just plain sucks ass. Legitimate artists have been forced underground to live on the margins, while complete corporate mockeries like Britney Spears, Jessica Simpson, and the ‘Boy Bands’ have dominated the airwaves. Everyone is culpable, from the celebrity obsessed tabloids to the ‘pay-for-play’ payola-scheme accepting radio conglomerates to MTV itself for its shameful focus on inane celebrity focused programming instead of, um, Music TeleVision — but the main blame should be laid at the major labels and their complete disservice to an entire generation of music fans who’ve grown up with a cadre of false idols.

So what does Fat Britney prove, if anything? Well, it does show that without the airbrushed perfected image of a pristine nymphomaniac, she simply represents a human being who sings shitty music. Now, shitty music used to be overlooked for her tight waist and fake bitties, but without the eye candy the whole vicious cycle falls apart. And it also uncovers the hypocrisy of the media, and their sole focus on how she looked as opposed to the quality of her new single (which I’ve also dutifully avoided). Music media is a sham, and the whole machine needs to be dismantled and rebuilt with a focus on actual music as opposed to catering to the adolescent fantasies of the general public. Music used to be a force for social change and artistic expression — now it’s a proxy for masturbation.

I honestly hope this debacle helps to cue the death knell for this machinated form of music. Even Mr. Timberlake pleaded with MTV to play more actual music videos last night. His overlords should listen to him, and his sexy sexy back.

Popularity: 9% [?]