Archive for the ‘Politics’ Category

Distressed Student Planted To Ask Clinton About Her ‘Voluptuous Powersuit’

Tuesday, November 13th, 2007

Do you like what I'm wearing bitch???

It seems Hilary has the answers for everything, including what crowd-members should ask her about.

The race for the Democratic Presidential Nomination took an abrupt turn yesterday when it was disclosed that officials from Hilary Clinton’s campaign told certain members in the audience what to ask the candidate after a speech on energy policy in Iowa.

Today a student disclosed the horrific truth, admitting that his question about Clinton’s sexy powersuit was completely fabricated by the New York Senator’s campaign.

“Two fluffers came over from her campaign and told me that if I asked this question they’d give me some Ricky Martin PEZ dispensers,” said the student, who will remain anonymous due to his enrollment in the witness protection program.

The staffer then opened a large binder, flipped to page tabbed “For Slacked-Off Gibronis”, and referenced a list of eight pre-prepared questions specifically designed for someone of his disposition and sobriety.  After passing on a) “Do you have your brown belt?”, b) “What does Kangaroo Pouch Goo taste like?”, and c) “Which is your favourite tooth?”, the staffer prompted the student to ask, “Where do you get your voluptuous Powersuits?”

Video from the event shows the student sheepishly approach a microphone and asking: “Mrs. Clinton… golly… you’re so pretty all the time… your suits, they’re so bold and immaculate.  I wonder how Bill could have ever wanted to splooge on someone else’s clothes?”  Clinton campaign officials can be seen waving frantically in the background while Clinton gives a flattered smile.

Popularity: 24% [?]

DHS Suspends Smart-Looking Asian Guy Without Costume At Halloween Party

Wednesday, November 7th, 2007

Smart Asian Guy?  What a stereotype...

Department of Homeland Security officials are backpedaling after a weekend costume party stirred national controversy when employees came dressed as stereotyped minorities.  First it was disclosed that a white staffer came dressed as a black prison inmate, with dreadlocks and face paint.  Today, the Associated Press reported that another staff member came dressed as a smartly-dressed Asian man, with a stylish cell phone and Japanese car.

“Here is the bottom line: People do dumb things,” DHS chief Michael Chertoff said. “I get very perturbed when there is anything that is done that suggests that we are anything other than even-handed. I have zero tolerance for racism or discrimination. We have to be tough but we have to be fair. The idea that you are going to come and impersonate someone of an ethnic group, I think, is completely unacceptable.”

The 24-year-old man in question is of Chinese descent, with his parents immigrating to the United States from Hong Kong in the 1970s.

“What the hell?” asks the man, who wished to remain anonymous.  “I wasn’t even wearing a costume!  I was just walking in to pick up my buddy Brad from the costume party, and then people started pouring their drinks on me and threshing me with bamboo sticks.  Everyone was calling me a racist and telling me to apologize to every minority I saw.  So I apologized to… myself?”

Analysts suggest that the DHS maintains extremely strict equality standards, and any suggestion of stereotyping is severely sanctioned.

“Walking into a DHS party as a racial stereotype is unacceptable, regardless if the person is part of that racial group,” says one department insider.  “It doesn’t matter if it was a joke or not — with his Honda Civic, Razr cell phone, clean-cut appearance, and boutique attire, this young man was definitely pushing the boundaries of political correctness.  The next time he goes to a party, he should think about orally reciting wrong answers to elementary math problems at the very least.”

Popularity: 39% [?]

Mukasey Supports Waterboarding As ‘100% Adrenaline’

Wednesday, October 31st, 2007

Waterboarding isn't just fun, it's a way of life...

With his sun-drenched locks playfully framing his bronzed face, Attorney General Nominee Michael Mukasey vehemently supported Waterboarding during nomination hearings today, claiming that he likes to waterboard whenever he gets a chance.

“Dude, when that rip tide comes in, and the waves smash your waterboard around, it’s 100% pure adrenaline,” said the former Federal Judge. “Others shoot for it, jab a vein for it… all you gotta do is board for it.”

Asked if that was a direct quote from the 1991 hit movie Point Break starring Patrick Swayze, Mukasey ripped a giant fist pump, pointed at Senator Warner, and screamed, “YOU…YOU… That’s why I like you!”

Waterboarding has come under fire as a questionable interrogation technique during the War on Terror, with some in Washington suggesting that it borders on torture. It involves laying a prisoner on their back, throwing back their heads, wrapping their face in cellophane or plastic wrap, and bombarding their torso with water — the resulting sensation is akin to being held underwater and close to drowning.

Mukasey tried to debunk that definition.

“Drowning? Are you serious?” asked the nominee. “Only if you suck at it! You have to just, like, relax and let the water become a part of you. If you want the ultimate rush, you gotta be willing to pay the ultimate price…”

Mukasey was also questioned about the value of the information gained from the ‘extrajudicial’ detainees under waterboarding, with critics suggesting it is little more than a punitive measure rather than a viable means to obtain intelligence.

“Dude, they’ve given us the sweetest intel!” yelled Mukasey. “I got this one tip on how to order a barbeque sauce with your cheeseburger at McDonald’s for dipping, and this other guy told me that I should consider keeping loose change in my car for when I need to park at meters… I mean that’s all good stuff right there!”

Popularity: 47% [?]

China Furious Over Harper and Dalai Lama’s Game of Two-Person Spin-The-Bottle

Monday, October 29th, 2007

Be happy they didn't play 60 seconds in the closet...

In a joint news conference after their private meeting today, Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper and the Dalai Lama sloughed off questions regarding China’s recalcitrance towards their reported game of Spin-The-Bottle, where only the two leaders participated.

“I just kept thinking ‘please let it be me, please let it be me’ and then the bottle landed on me,” recalled Harper, “and then I knew that I’d soon be tasting heaven.”

The Dalai Lama seemed amused at the Prime Minister’s enthusiasm.  “Stephen kept on forcing liquor down my throat like a 18 year old trying to get his date drunk — I guess he didn’t realize that the odds of us making out were 100%”.

In response to the staged kiss, China released a heated statement:

“We are certainly very much displeasured and regret the fact that Canada would totally ignore the repeated positions of the Chinese side and go ahead with its erroneous decision.  Such political theatre is not a good thing for the bilateral relationship of our two countries.  The Seperatist religious heathen is using cheap tricks to subvert the Western Mind — he will not call you after you let him into the poon-pantry.”

In political exile since 1959, the Dalai Lama has disavowed human intimacy, but Stephen Harper’s renowned charisma and virility proved impossible to resist.

Popularity: 14% [?]

Dion’s Quebec Lieutenant Quits, He-Man Rumoured As Replacement

Tuesday, October 16th, 2007

Dion needs a General, not a Lieutenant

As the Liberal Party of Canada held its national caucus on Tuesday, news leaked that Marcel Proulx — Stephane Dion’s freshly-appointed Quebec Lieutenant — had resigned over fallout from recent byelection losses in that province, including the Liberal stronghold of Outremont. Mr Dion, already suffering from negative image issues in Quebec, will now be forced into making another delicate appointment, and pundits are already hazarding guesses at who could be tabbed.

“What their byelection losses show is that Dion doesn’t simply need a Quebec Lieutenant, he needs a Quebec General, or perhaps a Quebec Admiral,” says political scientist Huge Laureate. “They may even need to expand the role to Quebec Inter-Stellar Space Emperor.”

A long popular choice for the job is He-Man, Master Of The Universe, who maintains a summer home near Gatineau, Quebec.

“We need someone who has superhuman strength and agility, galactically-proven diplomatic prowess, and a ragtag team of trusted confidantes who can get the job done,” said Justin Trudeau, apparent Liberal political kingmaker and conduit for Pierre Trudeau’s post-mortal directives. “The question shouldn’t be if we summon the Prince of Eternia, but when”.

Party insiders were already expressing reservations about Prince Adam’s lack of fluency in French, along with doubts about whether the Power of Grayskull would extrapolate beyond the Kingdom of Eternos. He-man has previously committed to three weeks of formal French language training, but that may not be enough to assuage hard-liners. “I’ve had dinner with Adam, and he’s pretty boring until he gets all raged up and flexes his clothes off. His French is pathetic, and he puts nacho cheese on poutine — he’s no Quebecois,” said one senior Liberal Official.

There has also been skepticism about his lack of formal military training — the role of Quebec Lieutenant usually requires secret commando abilities, while conducting clandestine operations entirely in camouflage. He-man seems to have inherited his powers from the Sorceress of Castle Grayskull, and has openly admitted he holds no formal military title or rank.

Other candidates rumoured in the running for the Lieutenancy include Sargent Slaughter, Guile from Street Fighter, the guy with 6 arms at the end of Mortal Kombat, and Pat Sajak.

Popularity: 16% [?]

Sen. Craig Enters Wrong Order At Drive-Thru, Receives Wrong Food

Monday, October 15th, 2007

No, I ordered the handjob!

Sen. Larry Craig approached a local McDonald’s Drive-Thru yesterday, and ordered a Filet-O-Fish instead of a McChicken Sandwich — the Senator ended up receiving the Filet-O-Fish against his wishes, and proceeded to deliver a spiteful polemic about how he instead wanted the McChicken.

“Yes, I know I originally said Filet-O-Fish,” said Craig, “but I’m granted certain courtesies by law that should be enjoyed by any man. This failure to treat me differently because of my importance represents a manifest injustice. Who in their right mind would enter an order of Filet-O-Fish, when everyone knows that would lead to me eating the wrong meal? Anyone who knows me would know that I actually wanted the McChicken — especially after I received the Filet-O-Fish and everyone else in the car made fun of me.”

Asked why McDonald’s would carry the Filet-O-Fish if no one wanted to eat it, Craig said, “well, maybe some people just want to eat their dinner and get the hell out of there, and not attract too much attention.”

The Idaho Republican also seemed annoyed at questions of why he didn’t choose his words more carefully. “Look, I was just ordering food, which is a fairly low consequence activity. Now, if I was to proposition gay sex under a Minnesota airport washroom stall, I’d probably act in a way that damn sure reflected what my intentions were. But since I wasn’t doing that, I don’t see what the big deal is.”

Popularity: 19% [?]

Not To Be Outdone By Gore, Quayle Wins Fixed-Rate Financing Via Email

Friday, October 12th, 2007

I see your Nobel, and raise you Spam

In the wake of Former Vice-President Al Gore winning the Nobel Peace Prize in recognition of his efforts to educate the world about the perils of global warming, pressure mounted on fellow Former Vice-President Dan Quayle to produce evidence that he hasn’t simply sat on a couch eating caramels for the past 15 years. However, his critics should be silenced today with the news that Quayle has won a fixed-rate financing deal over the Internet.

“This is a pleasant surprise for me and my family,” said Quayle in a statement, “and I’m sure it will take many days to fully digest its significance.”

He added that he was informed of his victory while perusing the junk mail folder of his family’s Email account. “I opened this email from Countrywide Home Loans, and it said that I’d won the chance to refinance my home at a fixed rate. I almost didn’t believe it, I had to show it to my wife. When we realized what it was, we hugged eachother, and I called my publicist! And to think, I almost didn’t open it,” Quayle continued.

Comparing the two former VP’s achievements, White House Spokeswoman Dana Perino said, “both men have considerable track records in their fields of achievement.” When asked what those fields are exactly, Perino elaborated, saying, “well… Al Gore in the field of worldwide climate change, and Dan Quayle, in the field of home computers and casual Internet use.”

Just as Gore donated his winnings to charity and advocacy groups, a spokesperson for Vice-President Quayle mentioned that he may donate the $0.04 he’s expected to save every year because of the consolidated financing, but will wait advisement from his accountant regarding the tax implications. “He doesn’t want to worry about the money right now… right now it’s just all about the cause he’s fighting and the people he loves.”

Quayle’s announcement may radically shake-up the moribund Republican Presidential nomination race, but the former VP is tight-lipped about his potential bid. Advisers and party faithful had already been pleading with Quayle to run, and this Email financing victory only bolsters their case.

“As far as seeming Presidential… I mean, what else could you ask for?” asked one senior Republican Official, who asked to remain anonymous.

Popularity: 43% [?]

Hopeless Drug Addicts Lament ‘End of Party’

Thursday, October 4th, 2007

Stop Partying Drug Addicts!!!!

Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper was in Winnipeg Thursday to introduce the new Conservative plan to combat drugs which will include $64 Million in new funding for enforcement and prevention purposes. Federal Health Minister Tony Clement wanted the message to the Canadian drug using community to be clear, saying that “the party’s over”.

“It’s a well known fact that drug addicts are living a 24-hour fantasy party, replete with massive orgies, nonstop Styx sing-alongs, and an endless supply of soft chocolate chip cookies,” said Clement, “we just want these reckless people to know that we’re beyond jealous, and will legislate the hell out of this. Have you seen the ugly women in politics? It’s like I’m in engineering school or something. Or those boring Ottawa parties where the only thing being smoked is Harper’s dry fucking jokes? So not fair.”

Local drug addict Johnny Snorts displayed a complex entanglement of feelings when confronted with such threats to his hedonistic wonderland. “I’m cold… I need shoes, God… please help me,” Johnny said, barely audible over the raucous bender heard in the background. “This guy keeps following me, and I’m puking up something purple… I need an ambulance…” he was believed to have said, before the line went dead, presumably because he needed to finish off his multiple attractive sexual partners before jet-setting to a long-weekend tantric bash in Monaco City.

When asked if all this new policy would only succeed in deepening the destitution experienced by Canada’s homeless drug addict community, Clement seemed puzzled. “Uhh yeah, REAL destitute, buddy,” Clement snarled, “I’m sure they’ll miss their pagers, gold jewelery, low-riding vehicles, and their fancy latex condoms.” Clement then pointed a finger inside his open mouth while making a dull choking noise.

Canada’s well-financed and impeccably dressed drug legalization lobby was deeply concerned with the new developments: Judge Reinhold, President of Party Addicted Drug Fiends for Change, issued a statement saying that “While we accept that the Federal Government does not appreciate our round-the-clock soirées, the fact of the matter is that we didn’t invite them to our parties anyways. I had Jack Layton over once and all he did was point at naked girls and give the thumbs up sign. Totally creeped everybody out. Talking about how Ocean Pacific threads were making a comeback and shit — I mean what a bunch of total losers!”

Popularity: 14% [?]

Street Kids Applaud Bush Health Care Veto

Wednesday, October 3rd, 2007

Victorian Street Kids Aplaud Move

Legions of homeless toddling street kids across America vehemently supported President Bush’s move on Thursday to veto an expansion to the children’s health insurance program. Poorly organized rallies in most of the country’s crack-infested neighbourhoods were held in a show of solidarity to maintain the tradition of youth pickpocket culture.

Oliver Christ, the self-appointed leader of the street kids — a smelly vagabond who appears to have just finished eating a handful of gruel — was poetically euphoric in his address afloat a wooden raft in international waters. “Grumble grumble, sweeeeeeet,” said Oliver, “get the ointment, methinks… crusty puss!”

Bush was also touched by his own virtuous brilliance as President: “This Democratic Congress is trying to steal people’s votes by manipulating the public’s own love of children. It takes a real leader to recognize that rapscallions living in Victorian-era standards of hygiene withstanding the last known cases of smallpox want something that no pollster could identify — their sovereignty to choose which way to live, without someone telling them they need to clean open wounds, or not to pee on their friends while they sleep.”

While the President was worried that the funding may lead to further steps towards universal health care coverage, many industry leaders were happy that multi-tiered medicine will continue to thrive in the near future. Hank Snow, President of the Child Cough Propagation Agency, was hopeful that this rejection of humanity may aid his organization’s growth not only in the United States, but also abroad. “There’s talk that repetitive and annoying children’s coughing in this country may soon become the world leader in the field,” said Snow while not washing his hands and coughing on passersby, “I for one am excited that America will finally be making progress in the right direction.”

When asked if this move is needlessly endangering the lives of underprivileged youth, President Bush became combative, saying that “you don’t know the first thing about running this country! Do you have any idea how much Sesame Street bandaids cost? Or those damn Flintstones vitamins? Instead of worrying about the sniffles or insignificant cases of swollen gums caused by the onset of scurvy, our children can spend their time boning up on more important things, like how to pronounce words backwards. Think about it.”

After being interrupted by a choir of cheers from emaciated youngsters who seemed to be shouting “We Need Gruel”, the President seemed magnanimous in accepting their cheers of “Bush You Rule”. “Thanks kids! Who wants some empty cans?! You… yeah you, the kid bleeding out of his ears — you can spit shine my shoes for a neon pog!”

Yes, the kids are alright, indeed!

Popularity: 15% [?]

Harper Hunts Senate For Sport

Tuesday, September 11th, 2007

Harper hires gladiators from the future to dismantle Senate

It is difficult to imagine a public institution more useless than the Canadian Senate. Created in the British North American Act of 1867 that also founded the Domain of Canada, the Senate was modeled off the British House of Lords — an upper chamber consisting entirely of social and political elites who held lifelong peerage to the institution. Our first Prime Minister, Sir John A. MacDonald, referred to the Canadian Senate as a body of ‘Sober Second Thought’ to check the unfettered democracy of the lower house, and the moniker has persevered to this very day. I think most Canadians prefer the Drunken First Impulses of the elected and therefore accountable House of Commons.

Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper, with his roots firmly cultivated in Western federal paranoia, has taken up the charge for Senate reform. Early in his term in government, he introduced legislation that would cap the amount of time a Senator can serve to 8 years. Late in 2006 he also proposed a bill that would bind the Prime Minister to appoint Senators that have been democratically chosen by the people, as opposed to arbitrary appointments. Hell, the guy has even appointed the second-ever democratically elected Senator, Bert Brown (from Alberta, who has been futilely electing Senators in waiting since 1989). This has some of the undertones of the infamous ‘Triple-E’ Senate’ espoused by the Western-based Reform Party in the late 80s/early 90s. The three E’s are Equal, Elected, and… ahhh I always forget the third one…. Emaciated? Exfoliated? blah whatever…

But recently, he has laid down the gauntlet in a fashion that no other Prime Minister before him has dared. In a speech to the joint houses of the Australian Parliament, Harper complimented the Aussies for having an elected Senate, and laid a dire admonishment of his own country’s upper house:

“The mandate to govern when it is given directly by the people is a great honour and a great responsibility,” Harper said in a speech to Australia’s joint houses of Parliament that included praise for its elected Senate. “It’s the very essence of responsible government and it is the minimum condition of 21st-century democracy. Canadians understand that our Senate, as it stands today, must either change or — like the old upper houses of our provinces — vanish.”

Oh Snap! I like this guy; he’s crazy on the threat-machine! I mean, the idea of abolishing the Senate is not new — the New Democrats hold the concept as a core principle, while the shower-avoiding Bloc Quebecois also support the idea.

So let’s review: 1) the Senate currently holds 60% Liberal members from the Trudeau and Chretien dynasties, b) Willie Adams from Nunavut was appointed more than 30 years ago at a time when Bobby Orr was still playing a regular shift in the NHL, c) that same Senator represents 26,000 Nunavutians [??] when every one of the six Senators from Alberta represents about half a million people, d) this is an institution that didn’t recognize women as ‘persons’ and therefore unable to serve in the upper house until 1929, and d) these guys can miss two full sessions of Parliament and still draw $123,000 a year in salary.

I’m with Harper and smiley-guy Jack Layton: open the time portal and let Machines from the future destroy the place.

Popularity: 8% [?]