Archive for the ‘Music’ Category

Seven Hurricanes, Three Perfect Guitar Solos Predicted For 2008 By Weather Office

Wednesday, December 19th, 2007

The forecast calls for some scintillating riffs!

Weather forecasters had mixed news for the American public on Tuesday, predicting that seven hurricanes could hit the continental United States in 2008, but also that three monstrous guitar solos would reach objective perfection.

“We’ve been predicting hurricane activity for the past 35 years — recently the National Hurricane Office has recalibrated its field machinery to detect crunch-a-licious guitar solos spawned in our country and use that information in our annual predictive reports,” explains NHO chief Jimmy Page.

2007 saw a slight decline in hell-freezing fuzzbombs, with only one perfect guitar solo detected at a Collective Soul performance in Jimmy D’s Foodbag in Des Moine, Idaho on March 27.  Experts are expecting the three-fold increase due to a number of contributing factors:

  •  a possible Led Zeppelin reunion tour will cause many dormant guitar gods to reclaim their cherry axes and posit their mastery of music
  • the aging population and a resulting demographic shift may attract many new creatures to try their hand at playing music (most notably, a previously unidentified species of marsupial who has developed opposable thumbs and an insatiable rock wail)
  • and, a controversial photo of Nick Carter making love to a honeybee hive will sound the death knell of pop-based musical formats

As forecasting is an inexact science, the NHO office advises the public to be prepared for any guitar solo scenarios — the annual record is 12 perfect rump-busting tongue-monkeys.  Just as people are advised to have a hurricane emergency kit in their house, federal officials want everyone to be prepared for jump-humping heaven-smashers, which can crop up spontaneously.

“We advise everyone to have a kit ready with Bose headphones, three hits of acid, a tattered T-shirt, and a bandanna that faintly smells of vomit,” says Page.

Popularity: 22% [?]

Christina Aguilera Pregnant, Automatic Dialer Deployed To Identify Paternal Candidates

Tuesday, November 6th, 2007

Hey, can you ask the rest of your block if they forgot condoms too?

Chalk up another victory for disciplined, planned parenthood!  It was announced yesterday that Christina Aguilera is pregnant with her first child — news which thrilled her remaining delusional enclave of fans.

“I couldn’t be more happy for her!” proclaimed a local uncultured tart, whose insistence on wearing hoochie-pants belied her late 90’s coming-of-age.

Though the child was presumed to be the product of her two year marriage to music executive Jordan Bratman, Aguilera incredulously sloughed off such rumours.  In a press release, she congratulated the entire male populations of both the continental United States and the ‘Known World’ as collective fathers:

We’ve had a good run over the last nine years, and whether I slept with you (highly likely) or simply acted as a masturbatory muse, I want to thank you for your combined and continued support.

To whittle down potential paternal candidates to a non-hyperbolic figure, state officials have deployed the services of a 70’s era automatic dialing machine that will cycle through all 10 billion possible numbers between 000-000-0000 and 999-999-9999 to deliver the following prerecorded message:

  • Press one if you’ve copulated with Ms. Aguilera in the last 9 months
  • Press two if your reproductive tissue has been dispensed within a radius of 20 feet from Ms. Aguilera’s physical body
  • Press three if you’ve mailed samples of your gametes to Ms. Aguilera or anyone in her acquaintance
  • Hang up now if none of the previous statements are true — ahahah, I know, I know

It’s expected that every man currently living on the planet or his direct descendants will be contacted approximately by the year 2650.  Because of the potential for multiple DNA matches (one out of every 13,500,000 men carry similar DNA profiles), Axe Body Spray has offered to hold the top class-action litigation law firm on retainer on behalf of men worldwide.

Once the legal precedents are established, joint custody will be granted in the form of membership to a co-operative organization, the Collective Lovers of Aguilera Posse, or CLAP.  Benefits of membership will include a laminated name-tag, monthly newsletter, and official coital rights of entry (though no official rights are usually necessary).

Popularity: 29% [?]

Radiohead’s Pick-Your-Price Forces Hung To Push Boundaries

Friday, October 12th, 2007

Hung, I AM your father!

Like the rest of us, the morning of October 1st started just like any other early autumn day for William Hung — paying hotel damage deposits after yet another evening of high priced hookers and improvised phalli. But over his morning cup of java, Hung ended up spitting a mouthful of coffee all over one of the girls still sleeping in his hotel room. And then he read the paper. And then he got a great idea!

He’d just read about Radiohead announcing their intention to digitally release their new album over the Internet, and allowing anyone to pay whatever they wanted for it — including nothing. ‘What bravado,’ Hung thought, and it motivated him into a chain of events culminating in his own ambitious plans, divulged in a press release today:

“Starting today, any visitor to williamhung.com can purchase songs from my website. Any song. You pick the song, and I’ll sing it for you live — and a digital copy will be uploaded to your hard-drive afterwards. I don’t even need to know the song. I’ll just guess the lyrics if I have to. You listen to whatever you want to hear, and pay whatever you want to pay. Donations are encouraged, as my set of false Asian-Stereotype-Teeth are wearing past the point of usability.”

Industry analysts — still reeling over the implications of Radiohead’s In Rainbows album setting a new floating price precedent — are shocked. “This puts us into a whole new era of music,” says NME’s Over Hyperson, “and of course it’s William’s innovations that are introducing us to the future. In one fell-swoop, he has brushed aside Radiohead’s relevance both musically and industrially. A genius at work, in a time when geniuses are dishearteningly rare.”

Some brave souls are trying to stump Hung’s breathtaking musical cannon, and are having mixed results.

“One guy tried to get me to sing the Sirens’ song encountered by Ulysses in The Odyssey, so I ended up just moaning my interpretation of what rubbing nipples sounds like,” said Hung, “I don’t think he ended up paying anything.”

Asked how this would impact his touring revenue, as his fans can now listen to Hung whenever they want, Hung was optimistic: “I wasn’t really getting all that much money from the high school volleyball games or Senate confirmation hearings I was playing before… so this new customized bespoke format of singing may actually increase my earnings. No one’s paid for anything yet, but the law of averages suggests that some idiot will actually think I have more talent than a beached Sperm Whale that’s nearing death.”

Popularity: 49% [?]

Record Companies Win Case, Prenatal Slavery

Friday, October 5th, 2007

Record Companies enslave the unborn

Multinational music conglomerates, represented by the RIAA, won a landmark verdict today against Jammie Thomas, a Minnesota woman convicted of digitally distributing copyrighted songs via the Internet servive Kazaa. Capitalizing on 24 songs she made available for download 1072 times, the record companies won damages of $222,000, proving that their continued legal actions against their own customers is turning into the financial windfall they initially expected. The only problem is that Ms. Thomas is a woman of meagre means, living paycheque to paycheque, and has no ability to pay such damages.

Rather than opt for a public clemency in lieu of proving their point, the RIAA is pushing for extraordinarily harsh liens to make up their cash award in kind. The judge presented them with a variety of schemes to make up the deficit, including converting Ms. Thomas into an international assassin for hire, selling her internal organs on the black market, and teaming her with a Macaque in a PPV death match against Mr. T and a mountain goat. The plaintiffs, however, opted to indebt the next 38 unborn generations of Ms. Thomas’ lineage to slavery to the RIAA.

“We’ll be able to train her offspring in a variety of positions to make up $222,000 in present day dollars,” said Greasy McSpickerson, head attorney for the record companies. “Ever since the original Monkees died, we’ve been having a lot of problems trying to recreate them in a laboratory. This way we have actual human subjects to brainwash, providing them with the correct environmental stimuli to crack ill-timed nonsensical jokes and lip-sync in such a way to seem only slightly believable to the audience. We have every reason to be optimistic about harbouring a new golden age in music.”

Schlocky record company executives released a joint statement on their websites today, claiming they were relieved this litigation was successful, because “we seriously were fresh out of ideas on how else to make money. Gwen Stefani may seem popular, but seriously, who the hell are we kidding?”

Popularity: 20% [?]

50 Cent Bored of Perfection, Quits Touring

Thursday, September 13th, 2007

 Why tour when you're already rich??

In a masterstroke of artist evolution, rapper 50 Cent announced yesterday in an interview that he was planning to quit touring altogether, due to his becoming tired with the format and the futility of continuing his unquestioned perfection of the craft.

“Hey, sometimes the best need to just know when to pack it in,” said Mr. Cent, “I remember when I was growing up and Santa stopped coming around, I knew that he probably just got tired of it — you know, being the best at what he did.”

Asked if he was considering following the path of The Beatles in 1966, and has quit touring in order to concentrate on perfecting his recorded sound, Fitty replied, “Have you seen the fuckin’ tracks on my last album? ‘My Gun Go Off’, ‘I’ll Still Kill’, ‘Peep Show’… what else is there to do? I think I’ve covered music’s potential.” Prodded as to how he could possibly have exhausted every permutation of chord arrangement and sonic tone, 50 looked confused, and rubbed his groin in a suggestive manner.

It’s obvious that he is a man dealing soberly with his own brilliance, something that all preceding saviours of music have combated before him. “Beethoven, [Frank] Sinatra, The Beatles, Wilson Phillips… all the greats, they’ve all contacted me to let me know that I’m better than them. I’m not sure what there is left to do,” said Cent with a ponderous sigh. When it was pointed out that most of those acts are dead, 50 looked confused, and rubbed his groin in a suggestive manner.

It is sad to see a legend kill his own career at the height of his powers. His genius will live on, in his music, his cultural significance, and his 50 Cent brand shampoo.

Popularity: 11% [?]

Boards of Canada: Dayvan Cowboy

Tuesday, September 11th, 2007

Jesus, it’s nice listening to good music…

Popularity: 8% [?]

Britney Foretells The Demise of Pop Music

Monday, September 10th, 2007

Britney's awful music turns Lance Bass gay and eventually into a horribly disfigured supporting character in The Goonies

I’ve got to be honest: I haven’t actually watched Britney Spears’ performance from the MTV VMA Awards last night, but by all accounts, it was deemed to be equal parts embarrassment and tomfoolery. Dancing out of step, lip-syncing to perhaps a song from another lifetime, and looking like she’d guzzled her share of Coors Lights on the summer softball circuit, Britney’s appearance was panned by many so-called pop culture ‘experts’ and audience members alike.

I’ve been a vocal critic of the music industry and the major labels in the last ten years, not least because of their ridiculous response to the Internet Age and digital distribution. But my main gripe is that their music just plain sucks ass. Legitimate artists have been forced underground to live on the margins, while complete corporate mockeries like Britney Spears, Jessica Simpson, and the ‘Boy Bands’ have dominated the airwaves. Everyone is culpable, from the celebrity obsessed tabloids to the ‘pay-for-play’ payola-scheme accepting radio conglomerates to MTV itself for its shameful focus on inane celebrity focused programming instead of, um, Music TeleVision — but the main blame should be laid at the major labels and their complete disservice to an entire generation of music fans who’ve grown up with a cadre of false idols.

So what does Fat Britney prove, if anything? Well, it does show that without the airbrushed perfected image of a pristine nymphomaniac, she simply represents a human being who sings shitty music. Now, shitty music used to be overlooked for her tight waist and fake bitties, but without the eye candy the whole vicious cycle falls apart. And it also uncovers the hypocrisy of the media, and their sole focus on how she looked as opposed to the quality of her new single (which I’ve also dutifully avoided). Music media is a sham, and the whole machine needs to be dismantled and rebuilt with a focus on actual music as opposed to catering to the adolescent fantasies of the general public. Music used to be a force for social change and artistic expression — now it’s a proxy for masturbation.

I honestly hope this debacle helps to cue the death knell for this machinated form of music. Even Mr. Timberlake pleaded with MTV to play more actual music videos last night. His overlords should listen to him, and his sexy sexy back.

Popularity: 9% [?]

Arcade Fire: Wicked Fan Video

Sunday, September 9th, 2007

Hey,

As the inaugural Humble Narration, I would like to share with you an amazing fan video I found on YouTube for the Arcade Fire’s ‘My Body is a Cage’, off their most recent album Neon Bible. Mashing up this tortured album finale with a classic Sergio Leone epic (”Once Upon a Time in the West”), the creator has made something truly memorable. Make sure to watch it on full screen mode with the volume up.

See? You can close your mouth now, or at least fill it with some Mexican food.

Popularity: 10% [?]