Archive for the ‘Literature’ Category

Scholars Confirm Nostradamus Correctly Predicted Overcast Weather in Cleveland

Saturday, November 3rd, 2007

Yesss.... people will wear... sweaters!

The academic world was abuzz late Friday with the news that another prophecy of the 16th Century French Apothecary Nostradamus has been confirmed as totally legitimate and inarguably accurate.  On Friday, an overcast day in Cleveland provided the clearcut evidence that Nostradamus enthusiasts were waiting for.

In his book of long-term predictions published in 1555, The Prophecies, the French seer penned the following passage in the 15 Quatrain of his 5th Century of forecasts:

Dans la ville des têtes Brunes
où le cuir de jet d’Indiens à leurs ennemis
une ombre de journée sera moulé
par le grand masque divin

Which loosely translates in English to:

In the city of the Brown heads
where Indians throw leather at their enemies
a daytime shadow shall be cast
by the great divine mask

“I’d like to see how the skeptics can deny this one,” laughs University of London Professor Jack Handy.  “Here we’ve got a guy who predicts that there will be clouds over 450 years in the future in a city that he didn’t even know existed.  I mean that’s absolutely incredible.  It’s like me predicting that someone will urinate in Europe in the year 2460 — and what are the odds of that happening?  Not good…”

Nostradamus’ prophecies have been reputed to predict everything from the Great Fire of London to the World Trade Center attacks on September 11th, 2001.  However, a large movement exists that believes modern scholars are hastily applying ‘retroactive clairvoyance’ to the original manuscripts.

“Yeah, clouds in Cleveland, what a surprise,” quips skeptic Norman Mailer, “that’s not something that a retarded monkey who’s just been in a car accident and set on fire could predict, is it?  Ok, I predict that after I say this sentence Earth will not have exploded and my body will continue to perform cellular respiration as a means to obtain energy and release waste products………. See?  I’m a fucking genius!”

Popularity: 20% [?]

‘Harry Potter’ TV Spin-off Announced In Buddy Cop Subgenre

Friday, November 2nd, 2007

Bad Boys, Bad Boys, cast a spell on you! Cast a spell on you when they come for you!

Only one day after announcing an illustrated book offshoot in the Harry Potter universe, author/deity J.K. Rowling today announced that a ‘buddy cop’ TV spin-off is in development featuring Harry and the incorrigible Professor Flitwick.

“I think a lot of readers really enjoyed the chemistry between Harry and the Professor during the series,” suggested Rowling, “so we wanted to grant the fans an opportunity to witness the personal interplay between these two characters in a more gritty, down-to-earth environment.”

Rowling also disclosed that discussions have been ongoing for some time regarding a franchised ‘Potter’ cop drama, but earlier incarnations hadn’t met her high standard of quality.

“We were hoping to contrast Harry’s by-the-book no-nonsense white officer with a young streetwise black cop who likes to bend the rules — but I felt that formula was perhaps pushing the creative envelope a bit too far. I didn’t think the audience was ready for that tandem. So that’s when we started playing around with the idea of another internal character to pair him with.”

The new series will be set on the mean streets of Detroit, where Harry and Flitwick will routinely deal with drug crime, organized street gangs, and transgendered prostitutes. Reports suggest that he will be stripped of his magical power after a Pilates-related catastrophe.

“Harry’s trading in his wand for a magnum,” says pointless TV pundit Greasy Monkerson. “We’ve heard that he’ll be growing some stubble and spewing some street euphemisms like biznatch, mofo, and penisbreath. Also, he’ll take the loss of his powers quite hard — scenes will routinely depict him smoking a crackpipe while crying, and practicing self-mutilation. Harry, you’re a big kid now!!”

Professor Flitwick, meanwhile, will turn into the father figure many fans already thought of him as. “Flitwick will assume the role of grizzled veteran, who acts as a mentor to Harry. There are plans for groundbreaking scenes where Harry’s precociousness will cause Flitwick to say sarcastic one-liners like ‘I didn’t sign up for this’ or ‘I’m only three years to retirement and I have to deal with this shit?’. It’s groundbreaking in its genius…”

The series will run on Mondays opposite Two and a Half Men.

Popularity: 30% [?]

Hemingway’s Estate Admits Giant Marlin From ‘The Old Man And The Sea’ Is Gay

Tuesday, October 23rd, 2007

Santiago would have been shocked!!

In the wake of British author J.K. Rowling’s admission that one of the main characters in her Harry Potter series — Hogwarts school headmaster Albus Dumbledore — is gay, the estate of Ernest Hemingway is today conceding that the giant Marlin adversary in the classic novella ‘The Old Man and the Sea’, is also homosexual. It has been more than 55 years since the work was originally published, but the revelation has nevertheless left the literary community positively buzzing.

In a statement, Hemingway’s grandson Gregory revealed that:

“My grandfather always intended the Marlin to be a raging homosexual, but he could never figure out how to incorporate his sexual orientation into the story properly. He considered the possibility of having the Marlin cry out in erotic ecstasy as he was being eaten by a horde of masculine, famished Mako Sharks, but copyediters did not approve of the Marlin’s use of the phrase “Nggggngggyeeeessssseeeeeaaaaatttttmmmmmeeeeeee” as it did not fit the columnar restraints of the original magazine publication.”

“The old man, Santiago, considers the Marlin on the end of his line as more than his adversary, he considers him his brother,” explained Stanford University Professor of Contemporary English Literature Hugh Jazz. “This uncovers the possibility that The ‘Old Man and the Sea’ had lascivious homo-incestuous-bestial implications. The next time people read Hemingway’s masterpiece, I suggest they have some vaseline and kleenex handy, just in case. Delicious.”

Other experts contend that the evidence was in the original manuscript. “Didn’t anyone notice how many harpoons Santiago had on his tiny boat to ward off the Mako Sharks? The guy had more arrow-shaped accessories than Mr. Slave from South Park. And the Old Man inordinately enjoyed plunging those death sticks deep inside the scavengers. The imagery is quite clear,” said Bill Brasky, a veritable Hemingway superfan.

Popularity: 91% [?]