Archive for the ‘Law’ Category

Yahoo Advises Against Web Searching For “Coup D’Etat 4:30 today China bring ammo”

Wednesday, November 14th, 2007

One day we may fall in battle -- but it is not this day!

Chinese residents may want to think twice before using Internet search engines to find like-minded revolutionaries.

Yahoo today released a list of words belonging to search logs that they impulsively cannot hesitate to provide to the Chinese Communist Government. In light of recently settling a legal case with the family of a journalist who was jailed and mistreated after the company handed over search records to China, Chief Yahoo Gerry Yang said that their legal counsel is forcing them to warn the public about the dangers of questioning authority.

“We’d like to tell the public to stop searching for these words. We can’t help but to tell China everything we do. It’s like we’re ex-lovers who run into each other in awkward two year intervals whenever we’re both single and unabashedly tipsy — we simply can’t keep our hands off each other,” said Yang in a statement.

Among the words or phrases to avoid typing into the Yahoo search prompt are:

  • revolution
  • ninja
  • Robespierre
  • krang
  • fluoride conspiracy
  • cannonade
  • whereabouts of Amelia Earhart
  • did you ever wonder why rice looks like fish eggs
  • china girl bowie racial stereotyping
  • how many collective IQ points did the world lose after watching phantom menace
  • Alf
  • and, Pitcairn incest; what other option?; ethical ramifications; the swirl

Yang further intimated that discouraging free searching broke the companies long-standing moral adherences. “This can only serve to weaken our dominance over Google in our one remaining bastion of the web — dissident-betrayal. Before the Chinese forced our hand, we had over 80% of the market share in the identification of brooding freedom fighters. Getting sued just handed it to big G on a silver platter, thank you very much,” scowled the CEO.

When reminded that Yahoo Answers outlasted Google’s competitive product, Yang seemed dismissive, saying, “Do you need to ask the solution for how much revenue we make off that thing? God, please do, I could use the 3 thousandths of a cent in ad revenue.”

Along with the potential to be handed over to the Chinese Secret Police, Yahoo has altered their Terms & Conditions to reflect other potential brutal eventualities:

INTERNATIONAL ESPIONAGE & HISTORICAL TIME TRAVELING WAIVER

You hereby understand that using Yahoo.com or any of its subsidiary websites and/or products may or may not result in your physical and mental embodiment being implicated in a Marxist International Junta. You will be detained by foreign authorities, subject to cruel and unusual punishment (such as eating Big Turks), forced to remember the lyrics to ‘My Humps’, and coerced into operating experimental time travel apparatuses. Your Yahoo user account may or may not also be frozen for 24 hours. But you’ll still be able to search the web and check horoscopes — you’ll just have to wait a bit to check your fantasy hockey team and stock portfolio.

To obtain a full listing of restricted words, please contact Yahoo’s communications department.

Popularity: 30% [?]

Sen. Craig Enters Wrong Order At Drive-Thru, Receives Wrong Food

Monday, October 15th, 2007

No, I ordered the handjob!

Sen. Larry Craig approached a local McDonald’s Drive-Thru yesterday, and ordered a Filet-O-Fish instead of a McChicken Sandwich — the Senator ended up receiving the Filet-O-Fish against his wishes, and proceeded to deliver a spiteful polemic about how he instead wanted the McChicken.

“Yes, I know I originally said Filet-O-Fish,” said Craig, “but I’m granted certain courtesies by law that should be enjoyed by any man. This failure to treat me differently because of my importance represents a manifest injustice. Who in their right mind would enter an order of Filet-O-Fish, when everyone knows that would lead to me eating the wrong meal? Anyone who knows me would know that I actually wanted the McChicken — especially after I received the Filet-O-Fish and everyone else in the car made fun of me.”

Asked why McDonald’s would carry the Filet-O-Fish if no one wanted to eat it, Craig said, “well, maybe some people just want to eat their dinner and get the hell out of there, and not attract too much attention.”

The Idaho Republican also seemed annoyed at questions of why he didn’t choose his words more carefully. “Look, I was just ordering food, which is a fairly low consequence activity. Now, if I was to proposition gay sex under a Minnesota airport washroom stall, I’d probably act in a way that damn sure reflected what my intentions were. But since I wasn’t doing that, I don’t see what the big deal is.”

Popularity: 19% [?]

ABC Wins With ‘Welcome Back, Magna Carta’

Wednesday, October 10th, 2007

Heyyyy Mista Carta!

It looks like ABC has another smash-hit on their hands! For the week ending October 6th, ABC had the runaway ratings winner with “Welcome Back, Magna Carta”, a light-hearted revival of their 70s cultural staple “Welcome Back, Kotter”. Derided by some media pundits as being out-of-touch with contemporary television, Carta has connected with audiences looking for strong characters, early Middle English dialects, and arcane legal definitions.

Leading heartthrob King John of England spoke to our John Tesh on the set at Runnymede:

Tesh: So, King John — how does it feel to finally have a starring role in your own sitcom?

King John: His honnore of Engelond in mine corages, O Holy blissful Martir…

Tesh: Seriously though, signing the Magna Carta must make you pretty popular with the ladies!!

King John: Thoughst fowle swyne! Ney bathed euery veyne in swich licour.

Tesh: Up high JohnnyBoy!

Perhaps one of the most endearing aspects of the series is that it treats its audience as intellectual peers. The episode that established the legacy of Habeas Corpus has been particularly well-received by audiences, who overwhelmingly sympathized with Baron Blackwell’s ripped abs.

Cultural leader Bill Twirp has his own opinions on the series however: “What the hell am I supposed to take away from a group of British aristocrats meeting 800 years ago in a field? It’s the same shit every week — and am I the only one who doesn’t understand a word of dialog? It’s like I’m listening to Gretta Van Susteren after she had her tongue cut off.”

Show runners are mum about the direction for the series, but it’s widely speculated that Magna Carta’s character may find a love interest in the new year. “We’re playing around with some concepts,” says Executive Producer Colonel Anus, “maybe bringing in the Declaration of Independence, or the original lyric sheet for The Beatles’ ‘Yesterday’, or the pilot script from Family Ties… we certainly have a lot of options, but we have to be careful not to lose our audience in a romantic subplot. The two should just have natural chemistry.”

Popularity: 19% [?]

Microsoft Awarded Patent For Latin Alphabet

Tuesday, October 9th, 2007

Make up your own alphabet, nerd!

In a move widely lauded by Wall Street analysts, Microsoft has today been awarded US Patent # 45,222,987 for “A device, methodology, and communications medium compromising a set of markings commonly referred to as the Latin Alphabet”.  In the public domain since the 7th century BC, the original 23 letters of the Latin Alphabet (along with its three later additions) have come to permeate western society in recent millennia, used to communicate such written concepts as tax forms and baby food labeling.  With Microsoft now in firm control of its rightful use, the software giant is poised to establish another unearned monopoly using a rather ordinary product.

CEO Steve Ballmer was dismissive of any suggestions that this new patent was grossly overbearing, and would end up miring society in incalculable disarray.  “Do you know who we employ here?” asked Ballmer.  “Developers developers developers developers, developers developers developers developers, WOOOO WOWOOO WOOOOOO YAAAAAAA WOOOO WOOOO YAAAAAAAAA   AAAAAAAAAAA!”  His spokesperson later clarified his comments, saying that because Microsoft developers encode their software using the letters of the alphabet, they assumed that they were the ones who invented it, and wanted to cash in on its confusingly ubiquitous presence in general society.

“Bill Gates uses the alphabet all the time,” explains Ray Ozzie, Chief Software Architect, “and he forgets when he started using it.  It’s a safe bet that he probably invented it at some point while trying to explain his thoughts to his subordinates, who couldn’t understand his messianic gestures or psychic dialog.”

It is unclear how Microsoft intends to enforce the patent — they may choose to pursue individual litigation, enslave certain island nations that no one cares about, or simply proclaim that the entire world is licensing their technology and seize national treasuries.

Industry expert Franca Lingua of the University of Rotterdam expects there to be a world wide backlash against the patent, but could not transmit his thoughts over email without using letters, and resorted to using various permutations of symbols and punctuation to describe how he felt: “*#({{{{{,” he said, “~~~~|//\\+!”  The AP has assumed that this means he is either unhappy with the legal decision, or is pregnant with a dinosaur.

Popularity: 43% [?]

Record Companies Win Case, Prenatal Slavery

Friday, October 5th, 2007

Record Companies enslave the unborn

Multinational music conglomerates, represented by the RIAA, won a landmark verdict today against Jammie Thomas, a Minnesota woman convicted of digitally distributing copyrighted songs via the Internet servive Kazaa. Capitalizing on 24 songs she made available for download 1072 times, the record companies won damages of $222,000, proving that their continued legal actions against their own customers is turning into the financial windfall they initially expected. The only problem is that Ms. Thomas is a woman of meagre means, living paycheque to paycheque, and has no ability to pay such damages.

Rather than opt for a public clemency in lieu of proving their point, the RIAA is pushing for extraordinarily harsh liens to make up their cash award in kind. The judge presented them with a variety of schemes to make up the deficit, including converting Ms. Thomas into an international assassin for hire, selling her internal organs on the black market, and teaming her with a Macaque in a PPV death match against Mr. T and a mountain goat. The plaintiffs, however, opted to indebt the next 38 unborn generations of Ms. Thomas’ lineage to slavery to the RIAA.

“We’ll be able to train her offspring in a variety of positions to make up $222,000 in present day dollars,” said Greasy McSpickerson, head attorney for the record companies. “Ever since the original Monkees died, we’ve been having a lot of problems trying to recreate them in a laboratory. This way we have actual human subjects to brainwash, providing them with the correct environmental stimuli to crack ill-timed nonsensical jokes and lip-sync in such a way to seem only slightly believable to the audience. We have every reason to be optimistic about harbouring a new golden age in music.”

Schlocky record company executives released a joint statement on their websites today, claiming they were relieved this litigation was successful, because “we seriously were fresh out of ideas on how else to make money. Gwen Stefani may seem popular, but seriously, who the hell are we kidding?”

Popularity: 20% [?]