Archive for the ‘Internet’ Category

Yahoo Advises Against Web Searching For “Coup D’Etat 4:30 today China bring ammo”

Wednesday, November 14th, 2007

One day we may fall in battle -- but it is not this day!

Chinese residents may want to think twice before using Internet search engines to find like-minded revolutionaries.

Yahoo today released a list of words belonging to search logs that they impulsively cannot hesitate to provide to the Chinese Communist Government. In light of recently settling a legal case with the family of a journalist who was jailed and mistreated after the company handed over search records to China, Chief Yahoo Gerry Yang said that their legal counsel is forcing them to warn the public about the dangers of questioning authority.

“We’d like to tell the public to stop searching for these words. We can’t help but to tell China everything we do. It’s like we’re ex-lovers who run into each other in awkward two year intervals whenever we’re both single and unabashedly tipsy — we simply can’t keep our hands off each other,” said Yang in a statement.

Among the words or phrases to avoid typing into the Yahoo search prompt are:

  • revolution
  • ninja
  • Robespierre
  • krang
  • fluoride conspiracy
  • cannonade
  • whereabouts of Amelia Earhart
  • did you ever wonder why rice looks like fish eggs
  • china girl bowie racial stereotyping
  • how many collective IQ points did the world lose after watching phantom menace
  • Alf
  • and, Pitcairn incest; what other option?; ethical ramifications; the swirl

Yang further intimated that discouraging free searching broke the companies long-standing moral adherences. “This can only serve to weaken our dominance over Google in our one remaining bastion of the web — dissident-betrayal. Before the Chinese forced our hand, we had over 80% of the market share in the identification of brooding freedom fighters. Getting sued just handed it to big G on a silver platter, thank you very much,” scowled the CEO.

When reminded that Yahoo Answers outlasted Google’s competitive product, Yang seemed dismissive, saying, “Do you need to ask the solution for how much revenue we make off that thing? God, please do, I could use the 3 thousandths of a cent in ad revenue.”

Along with the potential to be handed over to the Chinese Secret Police, Yahoo has altered their Terms & Conditions to reflect other potential brutal eventualities:

INTERNATIONAL ESPIONAGE & HISTORICAL TIME TRAVELING WAIVER

You hereby understand that using Yahoo.com or any of its subsidiary websites and/or products may or may not result in your physical and mental embodiment being implicated in a Marxist International Junta. You will be detained by foreign authorities, subject to cruel and unusual punishment (such as eating Big Turks), forced to remember the lyrics to ‘My Humps’, and coerced into operating experimental time travel apparatuses. Your Yahoo user account may or may not also be frozen for 24 hours. But you’ll still be able to search the web and check horoscopes — you’ll just have to wait a bit to check your fantasy hockey team and stock portfolio.

To obtain a full listing of restricted words, please contact Yahoo’s communications department.

Popularity: 30% [?]

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Monday, November 12th, 2007

Wow, where can I buy stock?!

Are you ready for the revolution??

New Web 2.0 startup Crackr launched in beta mode this morning amidst massive industry hype, but they have somehow answered their critics and delivered a masterpiece of online innovation.  Our own Kevin Tulip sat down with Crackr CEO Mark Huey to discuss their new product release:

Tulip: So, Mark, you’ve come a long way from your original idea to the culmination of making it reality.  Tell us how you originally came up with this amazing idea?

Huey: Well it all started a long time, about 4 and a half weeks ago, when I was eating Fruit Loops in my underwear surrounded by three monitors, and I realized a) that the internet was 100% bad, and b) that I was a zany genius.  Something had to give.

Tulip: So what was your idea, again?

Huey: I don’t need ideas.  The idea of ideas is notional.  Crackr is all about being smart, or at least making people think we’re innovative, but we’re actually just copying about 13 different sites out there, asking people to create an account, and will try to sell our company on an inflated per user multiple when we know that most of our users never signed in again.

Tulip: Genius. Did you have any problems raising money for this idea?

Huey: Not at all.  I presented to a bunch of people who barely knew how to log into their own computers.  We prepared a pretty slide deck, and told them that our idea was too good for a business plan.  It would just be a waste of time, we need first mover advantage, this bubble will pop soon, blah blah.  They were totally blown away — we secured $5 Million within 4 days.

Tulip: They’re obviously sophisticated investors.  Tell me about the team you’ve put together since then.

Huey: Well I knew that we needed to get big fast, so we recruited world-class web talent.  I immediately hired a bell-hop with one of those round hats to open our office doors.  We bought a Thai masseuse on the black market.  I hired someone to kidnap Bill Cosby so he could make us Jello Jigglers 24/7.  But I must admit, I thought it was total vanity when we hired those three experienced web developers, a user interface specialist, a project manager, a web designer, and a network administrator.  With those people on board, we almost couldn’t afford catered lunch everyday.

Tulip: So tell me about your website.  What does it do?

Huey: It’s pretty unremarkable.  We don’t make it clear what it does, or how people benefit by using it — I think that’s a strong reflection of our brand image. We ask people to sign up, and then to email all their friends before they have any idea that our site is underwhelming.

Tulip: Then…. what… does it… do?

Huey: People can add friends, message people, fill out a profile, vote on a couple of things.  But the key is that we’re harnessing the wisdom of crowds.  We’re totally changing the world.

Tulip: How are you doing that?

Huey: Well we had this promotion to launch our site where we parked outside the headquarters of Quaker Oats and handed out Watermelons that had Walrus fetuses planted inside.  At least 4500 people watched that on YouTube.  And it only cost us $50,000 — we’re all about maximizing shareholder value.

Tulip: What kind of defensible intellectual property do you guys have?

Huey:  We plan on suing anybody that has a website requiring people to use their eyeballs to look at a computer screen and then interpret the electrical signals with their brains. We figure that we’ve earned the exclusive rights to biochemical synaptic impulse.

Tulip: Agreed.  How do you plan on making money?

Huey: Advertising?  Transaction fees?  Subscription?  Micropayments?  I really haven’t thought about it too much.  We’ve actually just placed an empty box in the middle of our office with a sign that says: “Money Goes Here” with arrows pointing inside the box.  Checking the box every morning to see if money appears is kind of like Christmas coming everyday!

Tulip: Seems reasonable. Tell us about the groundbreaking partnerships you’ve forged.

Huey: We’re partnered with Bazooka Bubble Gum to indiscriminately sign up every person who’s ever returned the 50,000 Bazooka Joe comic strips necessary to receive the Bazooka Joe leather jacket.  Add that to the 4,700,000 recorded tax payers of Guatemala that we’ve imported into our database, and our company valuation is already through the roof.

Tulip: Amazing!  Anyway, thanks for taking the time today to speak to us, and let me know if I can invest in this juggernaut.

Huey:  We’re selling stock at 894,800 times revenue right now.  We can barely keep up with demand.  They’re born every minute, aren’t they?

Tulip: Ahahahahah, you so funny! Gahhhh.

Crackr.com launches today, November 12, 2007.  Toilet paper rolls of Crackr stock will be mailed to the house of every person who signs up.

Popularity: 43% [?]