Archive for the ‘International’ Category

FBI Receives Unconfirmed Al Qaeda Threats Against Office Supply Stores

Friday, November 9th, 2007

Save those glue sticks at all costs!

Citing uncorroborated intelligence sources, an FBI official has revealed that Al Qaeda has stepped up their threatening rhetoric against American office supply retail outlets.

“It’s the same old story,” muses Special Agent Scully. “These kind of threats seem like an annual rite of passage. You’ve got to feel bad for the office supply stores who live under a constant guise of terror.”

Staples spokesman Rick Camponelli said that the retail giant was doing everything it can to protect both their invaluable cache of Post-It Notes and the customers who frequent their stores. “We’ve now hired armed guards to patrol the office furniture section, which has had the added benefit of keeping consumer intolerance over our ludicrous margins to a minimum.”

The FBI has issued numerous prior warnings for office supply stores in metropolitan areas, most of which were creative guesses by Bureau analysts based on the high price of looseleaf paper. They say the current threat, however, is clear, present, and possibly a danger.

“Our Alabama Field Office received an Office Depot flier that was desecrated with permanent marker,” said Scully. “Sale prices were circled repeatedly, and competitor prices were scrawled in the margins. It was bone-chilling. I mean, what kind of monster…” said the Agent before quietly trailing off.

The homeless person who was using the evidence to sleep on is still being held in a secret military location for questioning. ‘Smelly’ Joe Watson is expected to face trial by military tribunal by late 2013.

Popularity: 40% [?]

Importers: Tainted Chinese Kids’ Toys Clearly Labeled ‘For Date-Rapists Aged 5+’

Thursday, November 8th, 2007

Don't play too long kids!

Officials from the Consumer Product Safety Commission were reeling after it was made public that a drug commonly known as the ‘date rape drug’, gamma-hydroxy butyrate (GHB), was found in a popular children’s toy, Aqua Dots.  The Chinese-made toys have caused serious illness in 5 children worldwide after toddlers swallowed the beads, which contain high concentrations of GHB.

The Toronto-based importers of the toys were on the defensive, however, saying that their products were clearly marked as only appropriate for ‘date rapists aged 5+’.

“How dumb are poeple — I mean it’s right on the package in big white letters,” laughs Spin Master Ltd CEO Buckminster Fuller, whose company distributes the toys in North America.  “You would think that any non-date rapists would clue in and find a different toy to play with.”

After suggestions that his product could be used maliciously in despicable criminal acts, Fuller became very defensive.  “The label does NOT say ‘for use in date rape’.  That’s crazy!  All it’s implying is that only a niched subset of the population can handle this toy properly.  People with enough experience to handle it safely.”

Industry analyst James Baker openly wondered how any child could have acquired these requisite skills.  “I think we need some kind of government certification program, so that only truly qualified candidates can play with these toys.  I suppose then we’d also need some kind of government-endorsed study to help define what a ‘qualified’ candidate actually entails.”

The Safety Commission has ordered a full public recall of the toys, and has set up collection bins next to dark night-clubs where unknown strangers meet regularly to share unattended drinks.

Popularity: 58% [?]

DHS Suspends Smart-Looking Asian Guy Without Costume At Halloween Party

Wednesday, November 7th, 2007

Smart Asian Guy?  What a stereotype...

Department of Homeland Security officials are backpedaling after a weekend costume party stirred national controversy when employees came dressed as stereotyped minorities.  First it was disclosed that a white staffer came dressed as a black prison inmate, with dreadlocks and face paint.  Today, the Associated Press reported that another staff member came dressed as a smartly-dressed Asian man, with a stylish cell phone and Japanese car.

“Here is the bottom line: People do dumb things,” DHS chief Michael Chertoff said. “I get very perturbed when there is anything that is done that suggests that we are anything other than even-handed. I have zero tolerance for racism or discrimination. We have to be tough but we have to be fair. The idea that you are going to come and impersonate someone of an ethnic group, I think, is completely unacceptable.”

The 24-year-old man in question is of Chinese descent, with his parents immigrating to the United States from Hong Kong in the 1970s.

“What the hell?” asks the man, who wished to remain anonymous.  “I wasn’t even wearing a costume!  I was just walking in to pick up my buddy Brad from the costume party, and then people started pouring their drinks on me and threshing me with bamboo sticks.  Everyone was calling me a racist and telling me to apologize to every minority I saw.  So I apologized to… myself?”

Analysts suggest that the DHS maintains extremely strict equality standards, and any suggestion of stereotyping is severely sanctioned.

“Walking into a DHS party as a racial stereotype is unacceptable, regardless if the person is part of that racial group,” says one department insider.  “It doesn’t matter if it was a joke or not — with his Honda Civic, Razr cell phone, clean-cut appearance, and boutique attire, this young man was definitely pushing the boundaries of political correctness.  The next time he goes to a party, he should think about orally reciting wrong answers to elementary math problems at the very least.”

Popularity: 39% [?]

Mukasey Supports Waterboarding As ‘100% Adrenaline’

Wednesday, October 31st, 2007

Waterboarding isn't just fun, it's a way of life...

With his sun-drenched locks playfully framing his bronzed face, Attorney General Nominee Michael Mukasey vehemently supported Waterboarding during nomination hearings today, claiming that he likes to waterboard whenever he gets a chance.

“Dude, when that rip tide comes in, and the waves smash your waterboard around, it’s 100% pure adrenaline,” said the former Federal Judge. “Others shoot for it, jab a vein for it… all you gotta do is board for it.”

Asked if that was a direct quote from the 1991 hit movie Point Break starring Patrick Swayze, Mukasey ripped a giant fist pump, pointed at Senator Warner, and screamed, “YOU…YOU… That’s why I like you!”

Waterboarding has come under fire as a questionable interrogation technique during the War on Terror, with some in Washington suggesting that it borders on torture. It involves laying a prisoner on their back, throwing back their heads, wrapping their face in cellophane or plastic wrap, and bombarding their torso with water — the resulting sensation is akin to being held underwater and close to drowning.

Mukasey tried to debunk that definition.

“Drowning? Are you serious?” asked the nominee. “Only if you suck at it! You have to just, like, relax and let the water become a part of you. If you want the ultimate rush, you gotta be willing to pay the ultimate price…”

Mukasey was also questioned about the value of the information gained from the ‘extrajudicial’ detainees under waterboarding, with critics suggesting it is little more than a punitive measure rather than a viable means to obtain intelligence.

“Dude, they’ve given us the sweetest intel!” yelled Mukasey. “I got this one tip on how to order a barbeque sauce with your cheeseburger at McDonald’s for dipping, and this other guy told me that I should consider keeping loose change in my car for when I need to park at meters… I mean that’s all good stuff right there!”

Popularity: 47% [?]

China Furious Over Harper and Dalai Lama’s Game of Two-Person Spin-The-Bottle

Monday, October 29th, 2007

Be happy they didn't play 60 seconds in the closet...

In a joint news conference after their private meeting today, Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper and the Dalai Lama sloughed off questions regarding China’s recalcitrance towards their reported game of Spin-The-Bottle, where only the two leaders participated.

“I just kept thinking ‘please let it be me, please let it be me’ and then the bottle landed on me,” recalled Harper, “and then I knew that I’d soon be tasting heaven.”

The Dalai Lama seemed amused at the Prime Minister’s enthusiasm.  “Stephen kept on forcing liquor down my throat like a 18 year old trying to get his date drunk — I guess he didn’t realize that the odds of us making out were 100%”.

In response to the staged kiss, China released a heated statement:

“We are certainly very much displeasured and regret the fact that Canada would totally ignore the repeated positions of the Chinese side and go ahead with its erroneous decision.  Such political theatre is not a good thing for the bilateral relationship of our two countries.  The Seperatist religious heathen is using cheap tricks to subvert the Western Mind — he will not call you after you let him into the poon-pantry.”

In political exile since 1959, the Dalai Lama has disavowed human intimacy, but Stephen Harper’s renowned charisma and virility proved impossible to resist.

Popularity: 14% [?]

Vatican Official Hired Over Sex Scandal

Monday, October 15th, 2007

Bring the diamond laced handcuffs father!

The Vatican announced today that they have filled an important role within the Roman Curia after an exhaustive sex scandal search. Appointed to the role of Prefect for the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith (CDF) will be Cardinal Cedric Offishall, after his respective sex scandal was deemed simultaneously the most ludicrous and erotic by The Holy See.

“He just wanted it the most,” said Cardinal Memberto, “the whole thing was on videotape, and I don’t think anybody could really tell if that was a goat or not, but it was part of its charm. What a showman.”

“I’ve never seen rhubarb used as a sexual aid before,” added Arch-Bishop O’Leary, “which just goes to show his creativity. He’ll really represent the Vatican well in public events, especially the upcoming reality TV show ‘Altar Boyz’. This guy’s got a natural screen presence, and a case of glistening buttock that would make Rob Lowe jealous.”

Before confirming the appointment, Cardinal Secretary of State Bertone commissioned the requisite Holy Striptease of Offishall. A traditional rite of passage, this popular festivity is termed ‘The Full Ponty’ by Vatican insiders. Apparently, Cardinal Offishall closed his set off with a double-fist-pumping-jump-hump into the audience.

Preparations are feverishly underway for the new CDF Chief’s arrival. “He’s asked for a full mirror to be installed on his office ceiling, and for fog machines and strobe lights to be mounted on the walls,” said Papal Secretary Jimmy Smits. “I don’t even want to ask what he’s got planned.”

First on his long list of upcoming events is a diplomatic dinner with Nelson Mandela, Physicist Stephen Hawking, Former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger, and TV sports personality Dick Vitale.

Popularity: 26% [?]