Archive for the ‘Inane Celebrity Gossip’ Category

Calculus Co-Inventor Leibniz Surpasses James Dean to Become People’s ‘Sexiest Man Dead’

Thursday, December 13th, 2007

Leibniz or Dean???

In a move that has shocked celebrity pundits and specialists in multi-variate calculus alike, 17th Century intellectual Gottfried Leibniz has eclipsed James Dean as People’s ‘Sexiest Man Dead’ in their annual issue.  Although perhaps most famous for independently co-inventing calculus with Sir Isaac Newton, Leibniz was also known for his sculpted facial features and rippling pecks.

“Just because photography wasn’t invented during his lifetime does not mean that he should be disqualified,” explains People editor Grease Monkey.  “His hotness is legendary — his ability to create mathematical notation and syntax that continues to this day is especially yummable!”

Fans of James Dean simply cannot believe the outcome — this is an award that the ‘Rebel Without a Cause’ has shared for each of the last 26 years with WWI President Woodrow Wilson.

Dean Fan Club President Jimminy Cricket was especially enraged: “Look, we’re talking about a man here, Leibniz, whose grave went unmarked for 50 years.  The dude was like 70 when he died, all old and stuff.  Check out James Dean; he lived fast and left a good looking corpse.  Assuming the formaldehyde held out, I’m sure there are still people who’d like a piece of him.”

When asked if eulogizing the celebrities of yesteryear accomplished anything other than filling truly unremarkable people’s brains with further useless matter, Monkey shot back, “what’s the difference between that and what we normally do?”

The top 10 Sexiest Dead Men were as follows:

  1. Gottfried Leibniz
  2. James Dean
  3. President Woodrow Wilson
  4. Tsar Peter the Great
  5. The Right Honourable John Diefenbaker
  6. Odysseus
  7. Field Marshall Irwin Rommel
  8. Rasputin
  9. John Locke
  10. Jamphel Gyatso, the 8th Dalai Lama

Popularity: 22% [?]

Christina Aguilera Pregnant, Automatic Dialer Deployed To Identify Paternal Candidates

Tuesday, November 6th, 2007

Hey, can you ask the rest of your block if they forgot condoms too?

Chalk up another victory for disciplined, planned parenthood!  It was announced yesterday that Christina Aguilera is pregnant with her first child — news which thrilled her remaining delusional enclave of fans.

“I couldn’t be more happy for her!” proclaimed a local uncultured tart, whose insistence on wearing hoochie-pants belied her late 90’s coming-of-age.

Though the child was presumed to be the product of her two year marriage to music executive Jordan Bratman, Aguilera incredulously sloughed off such rumours.  In a press release, she congratulated the entire male populations of both the continental United States and the ‘Known World’ as collective fathers:

We’ve had a good run over the last nine years, and whether I slept with you (highly likely) or simply acted as a masturbatory muse, I want to thank you for your combined and continued support.

To whittle down potential paternal candidates to a non-hyperbolic figure, state officials have deployed the services of a 70’s era automatic dialing machine that will cycle through all 10 billion possible numbers between 000-000-0000 and 999-999-9999 to deliver the following prerecorded message:

  • Press one if you’ve copulated with Ms. Aguilera in the last 9 months
  • Press two if your reproductive tissue has been dispensed within a radius of 20 feet from Ms. Aguilera’s physical body
  • Press three if you’ve mailed samples of your gametes to Ms. Aguilera or anyone in her acquaintance
  • Hang up now if none of the previous statements are true — ahahah, I know, I know

It’s expected that every man currently living on the planet or his direct descendants will be contacted approximately by the year 2650.  Because of the potential for multiple DNA matches (one out of every 13,500,000 men carry similar DNA profiles), Axe Body Spray has offered to hold the top class-action litigation law firm on retainer on behalf of men worldwide.

Once the legal precedents are established, joint custody will be granted in the form of membership to a co-operative organization, the Collective Lovers of Aguilera Posse, or CLAP.  Benefits of membership will include a laminated name-tag, monthly newsletter, and official coital rights of entry (though no official rights are usually necessary).

Popularity: 29% [?]

Lance Armstrong And Ashley Olsen? Say Hello To ‘Asstrong’!

Thursday, November 1st, 2007

I love your testicle!

From Dallas, Texas, the flash, apparently official. Tour de France champion Lance Armstrong and Full House alumnus Ashley Olsen started dating at 1:00 P.M. Central Standard Time, two o’clock Eastern Standard Time… Some thirty-eight minutes ago.

Arise Sir Armstrong and Dame Olsen…

I deem you: Asstrong!

Popularity: 45% [?]