Archive for the ‘Human Conflict’ Category

FBI Receives Unconfirmed Al Qaeda Threats Against Office Supply Stores

Friday, November 9th, 2007

Save those glue sticks at all costs!

Citing uncorroborated intelligence sources, an FBI official has revealed that Al Qaeda has stepped up their threatening rhetoric against American office supply retail outlets.

“It’s the same old story,” muses Special Agent Scully. “These kind of threats seem like an annual rite of passage. You’ve got to feel bad for the office supply stores who live under a constant guise of terror.”

Staples spokesman Rick Camponelli said that the retail giant was doing everything it can to protect both their invaluable cache of Post-It Notes and the customers who frequent their stores. “We’ve now hired armed guards to patrol the office furniture section, which has had the added benefit of keeping consumer intolerance over our ludicrous margins to a minimum.”

The FBI has issued numerous prior warnings for office supply stores in metropolitan areas, most of which were creative guesses by Bureau analysts based on the high price of looseleaf paper. They say the current threat, however, is clear, present, and possibly a danger.

“Our Alabama Field Office received an Office Depot flier that was desecrated with permanent marker,” said Scully. “Sale prices were circled repeatedly, and competitor prices were scrawled in the margins. It was bone-chilling. I mean, what kind of monster…” said the Agent before quietly trailing off.

The homeless person who was using the evidence to sleep on is still being held in a secret military location for questioning. ‘Smelly’ Joe Watson is expected to face trial by military tribunal by late 2013.

Popularity: 41% [?]

Canadian Military Readies For Imminent North Pole Offensive By Toy Militia

Friday, October 26th, 2007

Make sure your batteries are charged, soldier!

Officials from the Canadian Military announced their intention to purchase remotely controlled vehicles to patrol the vast expanses of the Canadian Arctic on Wednesday, further reflecting the increasing emphasis the Harper government has put on sovereignty in the Far North.  Along with Unmanned Aerial Vehicles (or UAVs), the military will be obtaining a full slate of remote control rally cars with integrated rumble pack remotes, and several Playmobile sets from the Pirate Ship Harbour playset.

“We need to be prepared for any eventuality in our Arctic hinterlands, including the possibility of attack originating from the North Pole,” said Lt. General Samuel Zayous, “and I think we all know who operates out of the North Pole… winks!”

Military analysts applauded the government’s alertness and flexibility in a new era of armed conflict.  “Have you seen the theoretical mock-ups of equipment and manpower our kids are playing with these days?  Just imagine what the real-life examples would look like.  Having MegaZord from the Power Rangers, Rancor from Star Wars, or Krang’s Technodrome rumble into Iqaluit to conquer our entire country would obviously be unacceptable.  We need to stay alert,” warned University of Mattel Professor Hunky Ken.

The new remote controlled equipment has received rave reviews from military staff at all levels of rank.  Private Remo Nestor lauded the interactivity of the equipment: “We now have the ability to survey much larger tracts of land than we could in our own manned equipment, while putting ourselves in much less danger.  The next time Gargamel attempts an incursion into the Yukon Territory, we’ll be ready.”

When asked about the last time Gargamel invaded, Private Nestor suddenly became quiet, and let a single haunted tear roll off his cheek.

“The horror….. the….. horror…..”

Popularity: 13% [?]

Turkey Threatens To Invade Cranberristan

Monday, October 22nd, 2007

We'll settle this in the lower intestine

Saber-rattling among Turkey’s conservative war hawks continued on Monday, sparking renewed fears that all-out war could further ravage Thanksgiving dinner plates.  After four years of dire pronouncements, Turkey’s leaders warned that incursions along their borders from ethnic Cranberry Sauce militants could spark a full invasion into Cranberristan.

While attempting to alleviate the situation through diplomatic means, the Bush administration could not hide their exasperation.  “We’ve tried to do everything in our power to defuse the tension,” explains Secretary of State Condolleeza Rice, “however, it seems as though Turkey is tiring of coordinated attacks on their hegemony in the region.  We have reports of the Cranberry Sauce Separatists gaining logistical support both the Stuffing/Yam alliance and the United Mashed Potato Confederacy.  Signs are not encouraging.”

This is not the first time that the Thanksgiving plate has hosted armed conflict — in ancient times, the Pumpkyntine Empire ruled the left portion of the plate, but the invention of dessert plating granted Turkey free reign over the culinary hot-spot.  When the Dinner Roll Free State was created via international treaty following the second world war, Turkey found itself in a tense power-sharing arrangement.

After the historic Camp Gravy Accords, the region had experienced a long period of tranquility, only to be interrupted by the foreign incursion of Pizza into ethnic Cranberristan after the United States of Pizzarica accused the Cranberries of withholding their natural resource wealth to artificially drive up prices for the Pizza Hut dessert pizza campaign.  Turkey had maintained their neutrality, but the nationalist fervour in Cranberristan has sparked widespread speculaion that ethnic Smoked Ham may try to leverage regional turmoil to re-assert their claims on the Thanksgiving scene — a circumstance that Turkey would defend at any cost.

Popularity: 18% [?]

Internet Now Cool, Nerds Told to ‘Get Lost’

Tuesday, October 9th, 2007

Hey Nerds, Beat It!!

An alarming conclusion was reached today by a consortium of international sociologists, cultural icons, and demure hipsters: the Internet is finally cool. Coaxed on by the popularity of social networking site Facebook, enough normal red-blooded cool people have checked into the web to deem it socially acceptable. As a result, there are resounding calls worldwide for all nerds to cease and desist their activity on the web, and find something else to do.

Local superhunk Guy Awesome let his will be known on his high school’s Facebook Group ‘Lee Valley High Rulezzzz Shaka Jock Aktion 4Life’, saying that “if I see any of you toolz on ‘dis group, Im so seriuzly goin ta splode all ova yo ass, sliatch! Get LOST!” His show of solidarity caused his classmates to nominate his board post for a state literature grant.

Pointdexters across the planet are now wistfully wondering what their next move will be. Nerd leader Yick Yu seemed almost nostalgic while reminiscing, “I mean, I thought this whole Internet thing would be our permanent sanctuary — photochopping Captain Picard collages, debating whether Bigfoot bears live young or simply reproduces asexually like the Gremlins, or masturbating to actual porn instead of episodes of Trading Spaces… and now it’s all gone forever.”

In a completely unrelated story, it was reported that all Internet sites are now ‘broken’. A mysterious disappearance of anyone who has any idea what happened is apparently to blame. Without Facebook, hoards of jocks resorted to prank MSN Messenger conversations and posting drunk pictures of their buddies dressed as Thai hookers on HotOrNot.

Popularity: 17% [?]

Russia Loses At Hockey, Drops New Bomb

Tuesday, September 11th, 2007

If anything, bombs weren't nearly big enough

In the pursuit to advance human civilization as a whole, few things have captured the public imagination like huge freaking bombs! Bombs serve so many useful purposes, like killing lots of people… and… uhh… making massive mountain sculptures? Anyways, I don’t think there’s any doubt of the correlation between Russia losing the hockey Super Series to Canada and their announcement today that they’ve exploded the largest conventional weapon ever.

This is an honor that has been hotly contested many times since WWII. Initially, it was British weapons designer Barnes Wallis’ ‘earthquake bombs’ that shook fear into the hearts of the German public. First Tallboy (12,000 lbs) and then Grand Slam (22,000 lbs), Wallis’ bombs penetrated bunkers, collapsed buildings, demolished U-Boat paddocks, and pulverized viaducts. Ya, bombs!

Then the Americans had their turn, creating the legendary BLU-82 during the Vietnam War — the ‘Daisy Cutter’ — which was initially used to clear areas in the dense Southeast Asian jungle for helicopters to land troops. This 15,000 lbs behemoth needed to be dropped by a C-130 transport plane, being too big for the Americans’ heavy bombers. It was used for decades, and even was used for anti-personnel (ie, mucho killing) purposes in the Afghanistan War after 9/11. Before the Iraq invasion, they announced the release of the GBU43 or Massive Ordinance Air Blast — colloquially known as the Mother Of All Bombs (MOAB). Designed almost specifically for shock and awe purposes, this 21,000 lbs go-getter provides an explosion equivalent to 11 tons of TNT, with the resulting mushroom cloud literally scaring opponents into thinking that they’re facing nuclear attack.

But history be damned!! The Russians (nee: Soviets) already hold the record for the biggest nuclear bomb ever exploded, the Tsar Bomba, with the equivalent of 50 Megatons of TNT (think 2500 times more powerful than Hiroshima); it only makes sense that they want the conventional title as well. Enter the ‘Dad of All Bombs’, supposed to be 4 times more powerful than the MOAB.

“The tests have shown that the new air-delivered ordnance is comparable to a nuclear weapon in its efficiency and capability,” said Col.-Gen. Alexander Rukshin, a deputy chief of the Russian military’s General Staff, said in televised remarks. Unlike a nuclear weapon, the bomb doesn’t hurt the environment, he added.

Al Gore will be delighted about its carbon footprint! While this bomb weighs about the same as the MOAB, the Russians have used a mystery ingredient to give it its relative pop. One can only guess what whimsical substance sits inside, but I’m guessing Buckley’s Mixture has experienced a bump in foreign sales recently.

It’s ok Russia… I know when I lose at something, I like to punch the odd pillow. If getting drop-kicked 7-0-1 by the Canadian juniors is getting you down, blow off a couple of DOADs! Attached is a sweet video of the MOAB scaring the shit out of local Floridians:

The Mother Of All Bombs - The funniest home videos are here

Popularity: 35% [?]