Archive for the ‘Human Ambition’ Category

‘Cool Site of the Day’ Erodes Own Credibility With ‘Humble Narrator’ Selection

Saturday, November 3rd, 2007

Cool?  More like deranged...

The pointlessly fake and, in most cases, insulting news world was rocked today after learning that ‘The Humble Narrator’ site had been awarded as the ‘Cool Site of the Day’ by Internet stalwart for November 3, 2007.

“I hope this story is as fake as my journalistic standards,” responded ‘Humble’ creator Michael Parkatti. “I woke up this morning just in time to witness my crappy web hosting bend under the strain of the web’s collective will.  It almost gave me a heart attack.  Then again, my mornings are usually pretty intense, what with bacon and stuff.”

When asked how in God’s name he was able to swing getting the award, Parkatti suggested that, “the only thing I’ve done to deserve this was that time I ate my own underwear to win a bag of Mini Eggs.”

Industry analysts are grappling with the implications of the award.  “We may see his subscriber base increase from 9 to 10,” estimated Al Gore, creator of the Internet.  “But shit, that’s double digits — nothing to be ashamed of.”

“What’s more interesting is what kind of backlash ‘Cool Site’ will experience because of the selection.  A lot, and I mean a LOT of people hate this guy’s guts.  ‘Cool Site’ may have completely bankrupted whatever credibility they had left,” said Gore.

Parkatti isn’t complaining, however.

“Yeah, it’s a big thrill actually — except for those last three hours when ‘Cool Site’ went on the fritz and my traffic went back down to zero.  Good thing I had a giant bag of gasoline handy to sniff,” said the ‘Narrator’.

Popularity: 16% [?]

CopperUxbridge, NorthernTelecom Merger Creates Awkward New Acronym

Friday, October 12th, 2007

Don't put 2 and 2 together...

NorthernTelecom originally bought CopperUxbridge to provide its business with a dependable supply of highly-conductive raw material, but what it has received is a massive public outcry over the shortened name of the new combined corporation, an acronym of the previous two parent companies.

“We’d been informed by Federal regulators that we might run into some difficulties getting the acquisition approved, because of the semantic implications,” said former CU boss Jimmy Whales. “It’s an obvious fit for the businesses involved, but for some perplexing reason, people simply don’t like our new name.”

NT Chairman Peter North held similar sentiments: “Our stock has lost over 18% of its value in the past week (NYSE: VGNA), while our released earnings reports have beat analysts estimates by 87%. You’d think somebody had photos of our CEO deep-frying a goat or something… I just don’t get it.”

A recent corporate press release tried to allay the Street’s apparent worries about perceived operational deficiencies:

“While we attempt to soften-up new markets in order to prepare for proper penetration, there may be inevitable delays in hardening up our raw material base. Once lubricated, our supply chain should be able to display its utterly consistent track record, with every indication that it will all culminate in a breakthrough for our award-winning geyser servicing business.”

Popularity: 17% [?]

Coach Belichick Heads Global Spy Agency

Friday, September 21st, 2007

Belichick is spying on you right now...

The night was thick with atmosphere, and I was choking on my own fear. This was the Guatemalan rainforest, and I was in pursuit of a mystical figure named “Squidge”, the unofficial agent of the world’s largest private spying organization. It is here that Coach Belichick chooses to locate his operations, under the auspices of a thriving organic potato business.

For all the pomp and bright lights of the NFL football season, the real work is conducted here, at Belichick’s underground headquarters, known as HutHut. The Patriots have a long history of coming up with the right play or the right read at the right time, winning multiple NFL championships along the way. And really, which human being hasn’t considered the possibility that Tom Brady is a robot made in a laboratory?

The lid blew off this story when it was confirmed that Belichick was spying against the New York Jets on their sidelines during a game on September 9th. But the major media assumes that the story ends with the cameras in the stadium, and the combined $750,000 fine received by the coach and the team. That’s what Belichick wants you to believe.

Reality, however, confirms that the sideline incident was just the tip of the iceberg for the Coach’s unprecedented clandestine operations. My meeting with bestial Squidge simply confirms this.

“You’ve got no fucking idea what this guy has planned,” says Squidge, who smells like he just ate a rabbit. “You think Capone was paranoid? Belichick has his hands in shit that you couldn’t fathom, he’s got every politician and bureaucrat in his pocket, and he’s just getting started.”

When asked what the deuce he’s talking about, Squidge elaborates: “He’s obsessed with winning the Super Bowl every year. You name it, this guy has done just about everything imaginable to win football games.”

Intrigued, I tested his theory. “So he’s set up faulty alarm clocks in opposing player’s hotel rooms?”

“Of course,” says Squidge.

“He’s created a time machine to procreate with the Commissioner’s mother?”

Squidge slowly shakes his head in admission.

“He’s created an army of trained seals to recite lines of Victorian poetry in Antarctica, thereby setting off a wave of global Chaos Theory, resulting in precise wind gusts during opposing field goal attempts?”

“That too…” says Squidge.

I try to think of the most horrible thing imaginable. “He was the one who pulled strings to get Britney in the Mickey Mouse Club?”

“YES, YES, enough!!!!! I can’t stand this horrible truth!” cries out Squidge.

All of a sudden, the world comes much more into focus, somehow more familiar, more genuine. Most of the human atrocities attributed to disease, war, strife, or Kraft Foods has a perfectly reasonable explanation. And here I thought it was the CIA doing all this — people give that agency way too much credit with their crackpot theories! It’s been Belichick all along.

Or maybe not, and people don’t give a shit that someone is taping the opposing team’s sidelines? Well, either/or really.

Popularity: 11% [?]

CN Tower Surpassed, World Decides to End

Thursday, September 13th, 2007

Towers continue their inevitable evolution to dildo-like proportions

Citizens worldwide were struck with violent fits of depression after learning that the CN Tower in Toronto had been surpassed in height by the under-construction Burj Dubai (pictured centre) in the UAE yesterday. Since its construction in 1976, the 553 metre tall symbol of enduring freedom has held the title of the world’s tallest free-standing structure. It become somewhat of a cult symbol in Canada, with its daily rituals and ceremonies causing some to liken it to the Wailing Wall in Isreal.

“I feel like one of Jesus’ disciples after the crucifixion,” said one local bohemian, “what the fuck am I going to do now?”

Some experts speculate that, like the Christ, the CN Tower may rise from the dead to take back the title. “We can’t rule out the possibility that the CN Tower has supernatural powers, and could potentially get upset enough to entallen itself,” says local architecture savant, Phallus Interuptus. When asked whether entallen was, in fact, a legitimate English word, Mr. Interuptus pointed to a fire hydrant and said, “holy shit, what the hell is that!?”, and attempted to fly off under his own command.

Civic leaders are not letting the Arabs savour their victory too much — plans were announced by City Hall to create the world’s smallest building. A suitable parcel of land to house the new centre of international worship (dubbed the CNothing Tower) has not yet been identified, but an exhaustive search is underway. Much like Buddhists picking a new Dalai Lama, city officials are showing everyday tokens of the CN Tower to potential re-incarnies, hoping that one can correctly identify the rightful idols.

More details to follow…

Popularity: 11% [?]