Archive for the ‘History’ Category

Calculus Co-Inventor Leibniz Surpasses James Dean to Become People’s ‘Sexiest Man Dead’

Thursday, December 13th, 2007

Leibniz or Dean???

In a move that has shocked celebrity pundits and specialists in multi-variate calculus alike, 17th Century intellectual Gottfried Leibniz has eclipsed James Dean as People’s ‘Sexiest Man Dead’ in their annual issue.  Although perhaps most famous for independently co-inventing calculus with Sir Isaac Newton, Leibniz was also known for his sculpted facial features and rippling pecks.

“Just because photography wasn’t invented during his lifetime does not mean that he should be disqualified,” explains People editor Grease Monkey.  “His hotness is legendary — his ability to create mathematical notation and syntax that continues to this day is especially yummable!”

Fans of James Dean simply cannot believe the outcome — this is an award that the ‘Rebel Without a Cause’ has shared for each of the last 26 years with WWI President Woodrow Wilson.

Dean Fan Club President Jimminy Cricket was especially enraged: “Look, we’re talking about a man here, Leibniz, whose grave went unmarked for 50 years.  The dude was like 70 when he died, all old and stuff.  Check out James Dean; he lived fast and left a good looking corpse.  Assuming the formaldehyde held out, I’m sure there are still people who’d like a piece of him.”

When asked if eulogizing the celebrities of yesteryear accomplished anything other than filling truly unremarkable people’s brains with further useless matter, Monkey shot back, “what’s the difference between that and what we normally do?”

The top 10 Sexiest Dead Men were as follows:

  1. Gottfried Leibniz
  2. James Dean
  3. President Woodrow Wilson
  4. Tsar Peter the Great
  5. The Right Honourable John Diefenbaker
  6. Odysseus
  7. Field Marshall Irwin Rommel
  8. Rasputin
  9. John Locke
  10. Jamphel Gyatso, the 8th Dalai Lama

Popularity: 22% [?]

Scholars Confirm Nostradamus Correctly Predicted Overcast Weather in Cleveland

Saturday, November 3rd, 2007

Yesss.... people will wear... sweaters!

The academic world was abuzz late Friday with the news that another prophecy of the 16th Century French Apothecary Nostradamus has been confirmed as totally legitimate and inarguably accurate.  On Friday, an overcast day in Cleveland provided the clearcut evidence that Nostradamus enthusiasts were waiting for.

In his book of long-term predictions published in 1555, The Prophecies, the French seer penned the following passage in the 15 Quatrain of his 5th Century of forecasts:

Dans la ville des têtes Brunes
où le cuir de jet d’Indiens à leurs ennemis
une ombre de journée sera moulé
par le grand masque divin

Which loosely translates in English to:

In the city of the Brown heads
where Indians throw leather at their enemies
a daytime shadow shall be cast
by the great divine mask

“I’d like to see how the skeptics can deny this one,” laughs University of London Professor Jack Handy.  “Here we’ve got a guy who predicts that there will be clouds over 450 years in the future in a city that he didn’t even know existed.  I mean that’s absolutely incredible.  It’s like me predicting that someone will urinate in Europe in the year 2460 — and what are the odds of that happening?  Not good…”

Nostradamus’ prophecies have been reputed to predict everything from the Great Fire of London to the World Trade Center attacks on September 11th, 2001.  However, a large movement exists that believes modern scholars are hastily applying ‘retroactive clairvoyance’ to the original manuscripts.

“Yeah, clouds in Cleveland, what a surprise,” quips skeptic Norman Mailer, “that’s not something that a retarded monkey who’s just been in a car accident and set on fire could predict, is it?  Ok, I predict that after I say this sentence Earth will not have exploded and my body will continue to perform cellular respiration as a means to obtain energy and release waste products………. See?  I’m a fucking genius!”

Popularity: 20% [?]

Archaeological Evidence Confirms Jesus Drove An SUV

Wednesday, October 24th, 2007

Talk about a pimp-ride!

An archaeological excavation near Galilee has confirmed environmentalist evangelicals’ worst fears: Jesus actually did drive an SUV. This finding is expected to instantly bilk the humour from millions of bumper stickers worldwide, and to force historians to rethink the timing of the industrial revolution with an event that predates the invention of the automobile by approximately two millennia.

The dig site, supervised by University of Jerusalem Professor Eric Smith, has produced a large cast-iron chassis, along with chrome remnants of what’s believed to be bumpers and rims. A variety of organic material suspected to be customized leather was found, consistently monogrammed with the vernacular “J/Chriz”, leading scholars to the conclusion that this was the vehicle of the Christ.

“Jesus was above all practical,” explained Professor Smith, “and at the time, Roman horse-feed surcharges had forced people in the Middle East to innovate like never before. Why pay the Romans a King’s Ransom, when you could ride like the rap superstars of the future? And with an ever-expanding cadre of disciples, Jesus needed something that could carry his entire krew.” Professor Smith explicitly misspelled crew in his remarks, ostensibly because of his enormous street cred (as in credibility).

Theologians around the world were questioning why Jesus would choose an SUV as his transportation mode of choice. “Really, what advantages are gained by an SUV over, say, a GT snow racer, or a train?” mused a local right-wing Jesus-type. “You’d expect the Son of God to not fear injury in a crash scenario… maybe he had a bad experience with a subcompact early in his life.”

To commemorate the discovery, all three Detroit automakers are planning special ‘Jesus’ editions of their SUV lineups. Ford will release the Ecclesiastical Explorer in time for the 2009 model year, while Jeep is readying a Commander Crucifix for their late 2009 line-up. Models will feature navigation systems with flat earth maps, detection systems on the passenger side bucket seat to determine if the occupant is still a virgin, and free CD copies of Creed’s entire discography permanently affixed inside the car’s stereo system CD changer.

Popularity: 26% [?]

ABC Wins With ‘Welcome Back, Magna Carta’

Wednesday, October 10th, 2007

Heyyyy Mista Carta!

It looks like ABC has another smash-hit on their hands! For the week ending October 6th, ABC had the runaway ratings winner with “Welcome Back, Magna Carta”, a light-hearted revival of their 70s cultural staple “Welcome Back, Kotter”. Derided by some media pundits as being out-of-touch with contemporary television, Carta has connected with audiences looking for strong characters, early Middle English dialects, and arcane legal definitions.

Leading heartthrob King John of England spoke to our John Tesh on the set at Runnymede:

Tesh: So, King John — how does it feel to finally have a starring role in your own sitcom?

King John: His honnore of Engelond in mine corages, O Holy blissful Martir…

Tesh: Seriously though, signing the Magna Carta must make you pretty popular with the ladies!!

King John: Thoughst fowle swyne! Ney bathed euery veyne in swich licour.

Tesh: Up high JohnnyBoy!

Perhaps one of the most endearing aspects of the series is that it treats its audience as intellectual peers. The episode that established the legacy of Habeas Corpus has been particularly well-received by audiences, who overwhelmingly sympathized with Baron Blackwell’s ripped abs.

Cultural leader Bill Twirp has his own opinions on the series however: “What the hell am I supposed to take away from a group of British aristocrats meeting 800 years ago in a field? It’s the same shit every week — and am I the only one who doesn’t understand a word of dialog? It’s like I’m listening to Gretta Van Susteren after she had her tongue cut off.”

Show runners are mum about the direction for the series, but it’s widely speculated that Magna Carta’s character may find a love interest in the new year. “We’re playing around with some concepts,” says Executive Producer Colonel Anus, “maybe bringing in the Declaration of Independence, or the original lyric sheet for The Beatles’ ‘Yesterday’, or the pilot script from Family Ties… we certainly have a lot of options, but we have to be careful not to lose our audience in a romantic subplot. The two should just have natural chemistry.”

Popularity: 19% [?]