Archive for the ‘Food’ Category

Barry Bonds Claims That He ‘Didn’t Knowingly’ Ingest Pop-Tarts

Friday, November 16th, 2007

It might have been tasty, but I wouldn't know...

Federal Prosecutors indicted baseball slugger Barry Bonds yesterday on four charges of perjury and one for obstruction of justice for his Grand Jury testimony regarding alleged consumption of toaster treat Pop-Tarts.

Because the investigation into the morning sugar-snack controversy had unfolded over four years, the sudden indictment surprised sports analysts and legal experts alike. Bonds’ former trainer and suspected Pop-Tart dealer Greg Anderson was also released from custody, after nearly a year spent in prison for refusing to disclose his involvement in the star’s gastrointestinal habits. It’s unclear what new evidence the government has compiled on Bonds, but those familiar with the case suggest the home run king may be facing real prison time.

“Prosecutors had found a calender in Anderson’s office that was ostensibly marked with the acronyms ‘BB’ and ‘PT’ along with the time 7:15 am — it’s almost as if this was a full Pop-Tart scheduling system,” says legal analyst John Juice. “They also found a blood sample marked ‘Barry B’ that tested positive for Pop-Tarts. Government DNA testing results to verify if this was indeed Bonds’ blood have been kept secret, however.”

Baseball dilettante Joe Buck suggests that the evidence of Bonds’ Pop-Tart abuse is only too plain to recognize. “He broke into the league in the 80’s as a lithe, defensive outfielder. In the late 90s he began the transformation into a behemoth, packing on 240 lbs of muscle, and having a head the size of a small solar system,” says Buck. “It doesn’t take a Bachelor of Fine Arts to figure out that this guy was huffing a serious amount of Tarts.”

Doctors disagree about what Bonds’ long-term health implications are because of his prolonged dependence on Pop-Tarts. “I’d assume that he’ll be carrying around Rolaids for the remainder of his natural life,” suggests Dr. Phil Fulton. “I also would not be surprised if he develops chronic arthritis in his thumbs at an early age, because of the near-constant toaster use.”

In an interview with 60 Minutes this past October, Bonds became visibly irritated at questions about whether his alleged Pop-Tart abuse would taint his home run records, whether a chorus of toasters heard popping in the background were preparing Pop-Tarts for his consumption after the interview, and also whether a square shaped item he was eating obscured by paper was indeed a Pop-Tart.

“I haven’t played this sport my entire life only to face questions about my sportsmanship. These records won’t be tainted. At all. Period. YUM Yum. Home runs. Chomp chomp. Dead. Blueberry. Sucky suck…. Mmmmm. Hey Dad, grab the measuring tape, I think my head just grew another inch in circumference!” said Bonds.

Popularity: 31% [?]

Turkey Threatens To Invade Cranberristan

Monday, October 22nd, 2007

We'll settle this in the lower intestine

Saber-rattling among Turkey’s conservative war hawks continued on Monday, sparking renewed fears that all-out war could further ravage Thanksgiving dinner plates.  After four years of dire pronouncements, Turkey’s leaders warned that incursions along their borders from ethnic Cranberry Sauce militants could spark a full invasion into Cranberristan.

While attempting to alleviate the situation through diplomatic means, the Bush administration could not hide their exasperation.  “We’ve tried to do everything in our power to defuse the tension,” explains Secretary of State Condolleeza Rice, “however, it seems as though Turkey is tiring of coordinated attacks on their hegemony in the region.  We have reports of the Cranberry Sauce Separatists gaining logistical support both the Stuffing/Yam alliance and the United Mashed Potato Confederacy.  Signs are not encouraging.”

This is not the first time that the Thanksgiving plate has hosted armed conflict — in ancient times, the Pumpkyntine Empire ruled the left portion of the plate, but the invention of dessert plating granted Turkey free reign over the culinary hot-spot.  When the Dinner Roll Free State was created via international treaty following the second world war, Turkey found itself in a tense power-sharing arrangement.

After the historic Camp Gravy Accords, the region had experienced a long period of tranquility, only to be interrupted by the foreign incursion of Pizza into ethnic Cranberristan after the United States of Pizzarica accused the Cranberries of withholding their natural resource wealth to artificially drive up prices for the Pizza Hut dessert pizza campaign.  Turkey had maintained their neutrality, but the nationalist fervour in Cranberristan has sparked widespread speculaion that ethnic Smoked Ham may try to leverage regional turmoil to re-assert their claims on the Thanksgiving scene — a circumstance that Turkey would defend at any cost.

Popularity: 18% [?]