Archive for the ‘Finance’ Category

CopperUxbridge, NorthernTelecom Merger Creates Awkward New Acronym

Friday, October 12th, 2007

Don't put 2 and 2 together...

NorthernTelecom originally bought CopperUxbridge to provide its business with a dependable supply of highly-conductive raw material, but what it has received is a massive public outcry over the shortened name of the new combined corporation, an acronym of the previous two parent companies.

“We’d been informed by Federal regulators that we might run into some difficulties getting the acquisition approved, because of the semantic implications,” said former CU boss Jimmy Whales. “It’s an obvious fit for the businesses involved, but for some perplexing reason, people simply don’t like our new name.”

NT Chairman Peter North held similar sentiments: “Our stock has lost over 18% of its value in the past week (NYSE: VGNA), while our released earnings reports have beat analysts estimates by 87%. You’d think somebody had photos of our CEO deep-frying a goat or something… I just don’t get it.”

A recent corporate press release tried to allay the Street’s apparent worries about perceived operational deficiencies:

“While we attempt to soften-up new markets in order to prepare for proper penetration, there may be inevitable delays in hardening up our raw material base. Once lubricated, our supply chain should be able to display its utterly consistent track record, with every indication that it will all culminate in a breakthrough for our award-winning geyser servicing business.”

Popularity: 17% [?]

Microsoft Awarded Patent For Latin Alphabet

Tuesday, October 9th, 2007

Make up your own alphabet, nerd!

In a move widely lauded by Wall Street analysts, Microsoft has today been awarded US Patent # 45,222,987 for “A device, methodology, and communications medium compromising a set of markings commonly referred to as the Latin Alphabet”.  In the public domain since the 7th century BC, the original 23 letters of the Latin Alphabet (along with its three later additions) have come to permeate western society in recent millennia, used to communicate such written concepts as tax forms and baby food labeling.  With Microsoft now in firm control of its rightful use, the software giant is poised to establish another unearned monopoly using a rather ordinary product.

CEO Steve Ballmer was dismissive of any suggestions that this new patent was grossly overbearing, and would end up miring society in incalculable disarray.  “Do you know who we employ here?” asked Ballmer.  “Developers developers developers developers, developers developers developers developers, WOOOO WOWOOO WOOOOOO YAAAAAAA WOOOO WOOOO YAAAAAAAAA   AAAAAAAAAAA!”  His spokesperson later clarified his comments, saying that because Microsoft developers encode their software using the letters of the alphabet, they assumed that they were the ones who invented it, and wanted to cash in on its confusingly ubiquitous presence in general society.

“Bill Gates uses the alphabet all the time,” explains Ray Ozzie, Chief Software Architect, “and he forgets when he started using it.  It’s a safe bet that he probably invented it at some point while trying to explain his thoughts to his subordinates, who couldn’t understand his messianic gestures or psychic dialog.”

It is unclear how Microsoft intends to enforce the patent — they may choose to pursue individual litigation, enslave certain island nations that no one cares about, or simply proclaim that the entire world is licensing their technology and seize national treasuries.

Industry expert Franca Lingua of the University of Rotterdam expects there to be a world wide backlash against the patent, but could not transmit his thoughts over email without using letters, and resorted to using various permutations of symbols and punctuation to describe how he felt: “*#({{{{{,” he said, “~~~~|//\\+!”  The AP has assumed that this means he is either unhappy with the legal decision, or is pregnant with a dinosaur.

Popularity: 43% [?]

Loonie Reaches Parity: Canada Sells Itself

Thursday, September 27th, 2007

The loonie CRUSHES the American dollar

In a shocking move Thursday, Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper announced that his country is ‘up for sale’. “With the dollar reaching parity, it only makes sense to sell high in a free market. I have a Masters in Economics — trust me, I’m so right,” said Harper.

When asked if he had any prospective buyers lined up, Harper indicated that he’d, “received calls from the Ontario Teachers’ Pension Plan, Hannibal from the A-Team, and the Prince of Liechtenstein. I think we’ll find somebody to bite on this lemon.”

After looking amused with himself, Harper screamed, “I’m rich biaatch,” while a semi-truck horn was heard in the background.

After reaching a low of 61.3 cents per US dollar in 2001, the Canadian dollar (affectionately known as the ‘Loonie’) has reached parity with the American currency for the first time since the mid 70’s. This rise of 60% has lead Canadians to some truly perplexing claims in recent days; the Toronto Maple Leafs have claimed that they should be spotted with 60% more wins during the upcoming NHL season, and songstress Celine Dion has claimed that she will record music that is 60% ‘more meaningless’ — her representatives claim she is hard at work recording ‘Love Will Move Something That Is 60% Larger than Mountains’ and ‘My Heart Will Go On, Plus 60% Longer Than That’.

Most Canadians are ambivalent about the idea of selling their country, as the idea of toiling for an alien overlord is not a foreign concept. “How else could you sum up the career of Jim Carrey?” asked a local milkman.

All national citizenship is planned to be revoked in favour of lifetime subscriptions to celeb-weekly US Magazine. “The more this country knows about celebrity news, the more competitive we’ll be in the long run in the global economy,” pointed out one completely useless celebrity pundit. When pointed out that the country won’t exist, he slowly grabbed his crotch in a suggestive manner while repeatedly pretending his right arm was the top jaw of an alligator.

It is estimated that the person hardest hit by the abolishment of Canada will be rock group Trooper, whose very existence is owed to royalties from over-bearing Canadian content broadcast standards. Members of the group could not be reached for comment, as they were all taking part in the multi-decade festival known as ‘their respective pointless lives’.

Popularity: 14% [?]