Archive for the ‘Environment’ Category

Wild Pug Habitat Threatened Due To Global Warming

Tuesday, October 30th, 2007

They need to watch dirty films to procreate

Citing the affect of global warming, the World Wildlife Fund and the American Kennel Club jointly placed Pugs on their endangered species lists today, claiming that the lovable animal is under siege in its natural habitat. Deforestation, increasing migration distances, human encroachment, and competition with the Boston Terrier are all to blame, according to a joint statement.Originating in China over two thousand years ago, the Pug has in recent years become one of the most lovable pets in homes worldwide — its wild forbearer, however, has seen its ecological niche trampled on by a conspiracy of environmental circumstances. Known for its cunning pack hunting, aggressive breeding positions, and ferocious eating habits, the Wild Pug’s natural range has collapsed into a pocket of protected jungles and forests.

“The Wild Pug’s worldwide population today is dwindling to numbers not expected until at least 2050 just a few years ago,” said State University of New York Ecologist Ralph Nader. “If you remember, they were hunted mercilessly in Africa in the 19th Century for their curly tails, which were used in necklaces as quite a fashion statement in Victorian England. Global Warming and human intervention have cooperated to send this natural icon to the highest threats of extinction.”

Scientists estimate that there may only be 170 individual Wild Pugs left in the wild. 18 are currently being held in captivity in zoos worldwide, with 15 of those on loan from the national government of Albania. Wild Pugs are notoriously hesitant to breed in captivity, as they usually bark at eachother’s feet and lick the ground for extremely odd periods of time. Videos portraying other Wild Pugs mating have been shown, but participating animals tend to stare at the screens blankly, before running into adjacent doorways.

The WWF is calling for governments worldwide to protect the Wild Pug by law, along with the following recommendations to encourage their numbers to grow:

  1. Hiring a horde of retarded clowns to traipse through the countryside to keep the Pugs happy
  2. Planting thousands of aid packages in the wild, consisting of human-worn underwear and socks
  3. Hiring social aid workers to train Wild Pugs in marketable skills, like word processing and photocopying
  4. Organizing a Pug-only ‘Superdog’ touring show, where their only discernible public skills would be urinating and falling over at top speed

Even with these measures in place, experts predict that the Wild Pug’s chances of replenishing their numbers to reclaim their original natural range are startlingly bleak. “There’s only so many pig ears to go around,” suggests dog clairvoyant Cesar Milan.

Popularity: 100% [?]

Not To Be Outdone By Gore, Quayle Wins Fixed-Rate Financing Via Email

Friday, October 12th, 2007

I see your Nobel, and raise you Spam

In the wake of Former Vice-President Al Gore winning the Nobel Peace Prize in recognition of his efforts to educate the world about the perils of global warming, pressure mounted on fellow Former Vice-President Dan Quayle to produce evidence that he hasn’t simply sat on a couch eating caramels for the past 15 years. However, his critics should be silenced today with the news that Quayle has won a fixed-rate financing deal over the Internet.

“This is a pleasant surprise for me and my family,” said Quayle in a statement, “and I’m sure it will take many days to fully digest its significance.”

He added that he was informed of his victory while perusing the junk mail folder of his family’s Email account. “I opened this email from Countrywide Home Loans, and it said that I’d won the chance to refinance my home at a fixed rate. I almost didn’t believe it, I had to show it to my wife. When we realized what it was, we hugged eachother, and I called my publicist! And to think, I almost didn’t open it,” Quayle continued.

Comparing the two former VP’s achievements, White House Spokeswoman Dana Perino said, “both men have considerable track records in their fields of achievement.” When asked what those fields are exactly, Perino elaborated, saying, “well… Al Gore in the field of worldwide climate change, and Dan Quayle, in the field of home computers and casual Internet use.”

Just as Gore donated his winnings to charity and advocacy groups, a spokesperson for Vice-President Quayle mentioned that he may donate the $0.04 he’s expected to save every year because of the consolidated financing, but will wait advisement from his accountant regarding the tax implications. “He doesn’t want to worry about the money right now… right now it’s just all about the cause he’s fighting and the people he loves.”

Quayle’s announcement may radically shake-up the moribund Republican Presidential nomination race, but the former VP is tight-lipped about his potential bid. Advisers and party faithful had already been pleading with Quayle to run, and this Email financing victory only bolsters their case.

“As far as seeming Presidential… I mean, what else could you ask for?” asked one senior Republican Official, who asked to remain anonymous.

Popularity: 45% [?]

Bush Vows Climate Action, Assaults Unicorn

Saturday, September 29th, 2007

Bush exhales factory smoke!!

American President George W. Bush shocked critics earlier this week when he promised to lead the global effort to stave off climate change.  After his 2001 repudiation of the Kyoto Protocol, this new policy direction is considered a massive about-face for the President.

Instead of making carbon targets like Kyoto, Bush’s new proposals seem to encourage a wide spectrum of new environmentally-friendly activities for general society, such as abstinence from ‘hot’ foods, randomly throwing ice onto city streets, outlawing sweating, and farting directly into bare earth for carbon sequestration purposes.

When asked why he doesn’t implement a system of carbon credits or contact Caitlin from Degrassi Junior High to begin a campaign using sternly-worded posters against local factories with smoke coming out of them, Bush disregarded his detractors — “I think the liberal media underestimates the impact that farting directly into the ground will have in the war on greenhouse gases.  Oh, and by the way, greenhouses are now illegal.  Suck it, photosynthesis!”

Bush also had harsh words for those at the press conference asking why he was choking an endangered animal throughout the session. “People, we’re taking about climate change here, global warming… saving the animals is so 80’s,” said the President.

Chemically-dependent treehuggers across the planet are thrilled with Bush’s new environmental prerogative.  Johnny Appleseed, President of Hip-Hop Moguls for a Better Planet, is thoroughly impressed.  “It’s about time we received some recognition from the Executive Branch of our government,” said Mr. Appleseed, as he ripped a massive flatulence into a house plant.  Encouraging further action, he yelled, “that crazy bitch can tap my phones anytime!” while attempting to break dance but instead looked like a retarded puppy that had just been shot with a blowdart.

To discourage the production of fajitas, Bush’s #1 culprit for climate change, the President has ordered a naval blockade of Mexico.  The President of Mexico could not be reached for comment, as he was busy doing the kookaracha.  Bush also plans to ban all fire-breathing dragons, but is having problems finding a proper Brute Squad to tackle the fictitious beasts.  Since the death of Andre The Giant, winged dragons have gained the upper hand in the control for the skies.

Popularity: 41% [?]

Alberta Flirts With Nuclear Power

Monday, September 10th, 2007

Alberta nuclear power?  Seriously?

Through all the drunken rig-pigs, dynastic political parties, and random stabbings during Stampede week, I harbour a self-admitted soft spot for my home province of Alberta. It’s a place of unparalleled natural diversity and beauty, as the title image suggests. For the last year or so, I’ve followed the debate on whether the province should explore nuclear options to power Alberta’s growth. With development at the Oil Sands exploding to regurgitate the 2nd largest oil reserves on Earth, there is an obvious energy infrastructure crisis looming to provide the vast amounts of steam required to process the sticky bitumen.

The chief player in this story is one Energy Alberta Corporation, created with the expressed intent of building a nuclear plant in the province’s northern regions to provide the Oil Sands with its crack-rock. Founding the company are Calgary entrepreneurs Hank Swartout (CEO of Precision Drilling Corporation) and Wayne Henuset (co-Owner of Willow Park Wines and Spirits). One might wonder what the crunch Mr. Henuset knows about nuclear energy production, but I can vouch for his liquor store having a seriously dope collection of imported scotch whiskeys. Thinking of these two running a $6 Billion power plant conjures up images of Mr. Burns and Mr. Smithers holding down the fort at the Springfield Plant during a labour strife.

On the surface, it seems like a good idea: currently 50% of the energy that hits the provincial grid comes from coal-fired plants while another 40% comes from natural gas-fired plants. The rate of growth at the Oil Sands is such that by 2025 it’s projected to gobble up every drop of natural gas coming from the Mackenzie pipeline project. With a nuclear plant hitting the grid by 2016, we could keep that natural gas for much more important uses, like keeping those aesthetic fireplaces burning brightly at Christmastime!

But reputable thinktanks like the Pembina Institute have been long-standing detractors of nuclear power, for the finicky reason that it contaminates any ground and water it comes into contact with until the end of time. Provinces with current widespread nuclear facilities (see: Ontario), haven’t even figured out what to do with the presumably neon green material. (Aside: why not just launch it into space? It would only add to our potential gifts to extra-terrestrial life, along with radio broadcasts of Right Said Fred).

The proposed site for the facility is 30 kilometers west of Peace River, and would expect to produce about 2200 megawatts of energy for the province. Local groups are a bit twitchy about the idea of hosting a technology with a checkered past, but Energy Alberta is partnering up with Atomic Energy of Canada, the providers of made-in-Canada CANDU reactors, with all the old-fashioned gumption implied by that acronym. The CANDU system, underpinned by use of heavy water, has a good international reputation for safety and reliability. Six-shootin’ Premier Ed Stelmach has shown guarded interest in the idea, and is promising that any regulatory decision will have full input from Albertan citizens.

So what do I think of a Nuclear Alberta? I honestly think that there are a lot better options out there to satiate Alberta’s growth, like sustainable wind, solar and biomass solutions. These all have a low global warming impact, like nuclear, but don’t irretrievably harm the environment in which they serve. I mean, there has to be a less elaborate way to turn turbines than by splitting the freaking atom. Why not hire a pack of enthusiastic Border Collies to turn wheels, or maybe a project to get 10 million hamsters to run around their wheels — hook it all up! I just hate the idea that Alberta will take all of its fat-cat royalty revenues from the sale of oil, and plough them back into some $6 Billion boondoggle, when it could be using that windfall to create a true sustainable energy solution for not just the province itself, but all of Canada.

To settle the debate, here is a pretty sweet mini-documentary on the subject:

Popularity: 12% [?]