Archive for the ‘Drug Culture’ Category

Barry Bonds Claims That He ‘Didn’t Knowingly’ Ingest Pop-Tarts

Friday, November 16th, 2007

It might have been tasty, but I wouldn't know...

Federal Prosecutors indicted baseball slugger Barry Bonds yesterday on four charges of perjury and one for obstruction of justice for his Grand Jury testimony regarding alleged consumption of toaster treat Pop-Tarts.

Because the investigation into the morning sugar-snack controversy had unfolded over four years, the sudden indictment surprised sports analysts and legal experts alike. Bonds’ former trainer and suspected Pop-Tart dealer Greg Anderson was also released from custody, after nearly a year spent in prison for refusing to disclose his involvement in the star’s gastrointestinal habits. It’s unclear what new evidence the government has compiled on Bonds, but those familiar with the case suggest the home run king may be facing real prison time.

“Prosecutors had found a calender in Anderson’s office that was ostensibly marked with the acronyms ‘BB’ and ‘PT’ along with the time 7:15 am — it’s almost as if this was a full Pop-Tart scheduling system,” says legal analyst John Juice. “They also found a blood sample marked ‘Barry B’ that tested positive for Pop-Tarts. Government DNA testing results to verify if this was indeed Bonds’ blood have been kept secret, however.”

Baseball dilettante Joe Buck suggests that the evidence of Bonds’ Pop-Tart abuse is only too plain to recognize. “He broke into the league in the 80’s as a lithe, defensive outfielder. In the late 90s he began the transformation into a behemoth, packing on 240 lbs of muscle, and having a head the size of a small solar system,” says Buck. “It doesn’t take a Bachelor of Fine Arts to figure out that this guy was huffing a serious amount of Tarts.”

Doctors disagree about what Bonds’ long-term health implications are because of his prolonged dependence on Pop-Tarts. “I’d assume that he’ll be carrying around Rolaids for the remainder of his natural life,” suggests Dr. Phil Fulton. “I also would not be surprised if he develops chronic arthritis in his thumbs at an early age, because of the near-constant toaster use.”

In an interview with 60 Minutes this past October, Bonds became visibly irritated at questions about whether his alleged Pop-Tart abuse would taint his home run records, whether a chorus of toasters heard popping in the background were preparing Pop-Tarts for his consumption after the interview, and also whether a square shaped item he was eating obscured by paper was indeed a Pop-Tart.

“I haven’t played this sport my entire life only to face questions about my sportsmanship. These records won’t be tainted. At all. Period. YUM Yum. Home runs. Chomp chomp. Dead. Blueberry. Sucky suck…. Mmmmm. Hey Dad, grab the measuring tape, I think my head just grew another inch in circumference!” said Bonds.

Popularity: 31% [?]

Importers: Tainted Chinese Kids’ Toys Clearly Labeled ‘For Date-Rapists Aged 5+’

Thursday, November 8th, 2007

Don't play too long kids!

Officials from the Consumer Product Safety Commission were reeling after it was made public that a drug commonly known as the ‘date rape drug’, gamma-hydroxy butyrate (GHB), was found in a popular children’s toy, Aqua Dots.  The Chinese-made toys have caused serious illness in 5 children worldwide after toddlers swallowed the beads, which contain high concentrations of GHB.

The Toronto-based importers of the toys were on the defensive, however, saying that their products were clearly marked as only appropriate for ‘date rapists aged 5+’.

“How dumb are poeple — I mean it’s right on the package in big white letters,” laughs Spin Master Ltd CEO Buckminster Fuller, whose company distributes the toys in North America.  “You would think that any non-date rapists would clue in and find a different toy to play with.”

After suggestions that his product could be used maliciously in despicable criminal acts, Fuller became very defensive.  “The label does NOT say ‘for use in date rape’.  That’s crazy!  All it’s implying is that only a niched subset of the population can handle this toy properly.  People with enough experience to handle it safely.”

Industry analyst James Baker openly wondered how any child could have acquired these requisite skills.  “I think we need some kind of government certification program, so that only truly qualified candidates can play with these toys.  I suppose then we’d also need some kind of government-endorsed study to help define what a ‘qualified’ candidate actually entails.”

The Safety Commission has ordered a full public recall of the toys, and has set up collection bins next to dark night-clubs where unknown strangers meet regularly to share unattended drinks.

Popularity: 58% [?]

Rubik’s Champ Admits Habitual Steroid Use

Monday, October 8th, 2007

Yeah, but have you solved it, on ROIDS?

The nerd-infused coloured puzzle community was rocked today with the news that perennial Rubik’s Cube World Champion Yu Nakajima has admitted to heavy and long-standing abuse of steroids yesterday to a Federal Grand Jury. The 16 year old Supercuber delivered highly emotional testimony, confessing to charges including lying to federal investigators and perjuring himself in previous testimony.

A rival Rubik’s Cube player whom did not want to be named said that the revelations are a long-time coming, simply proving what their community has known about Nakajima for several years. “I mean, shit, take a look at the size of his wrists,” he said, “he could probably twist the rivets off a suspension bridge with those pythons! And it’s not like he was a freelance udder-milker or something — one day he was a frail, prepubescent sophomore, the next he was a supercharged hyperstroker. Something didn’t add up.”

Officials are now deliberating whether or not Yakajima should keep his previous world championships — they have the constitutional authority to rescind any ill-gotten awards within the last 8 years. Winings to be seized may include his Rubik’s Cube Golden League earnings, and his lucrative endorsement deals with Upper Deck, Gatorade, and Aunt Jemima Pancake Syrup.

The fiery champion — who frequently smashed cubes in disgust and berated opponents with supposed knowledge of their mother’s genitalia — was known as much for his brazen behaviour off the Rubik’s Cube circuit as on it. During a recent charity appearance, he publicly challenged ex-Saved By The Bell Star Dustin Diamond to a game of knuckles, and proceeded to break three bones in Screech’s hand.

Outgoing World Anti-Doping Agency (WADA) chief Dick Pound (yes, Montreal lawyer Dick Pound), was happy that another pawn in his game to bring down the international steroid conspiracy had fallen. “We can now revisit the reality that no natural human being can solve a Rubik’s Cube — it is only through the unnatural acts of a cyborg that the 3X3 matrix can be successfully decrypted. Let’s face facts people… without steroids, we’re just not that capable of a civilization, and I’d like to keep it that way.”

Popularity: 20% [?]

Hopeless Drug Addicts Lament ‘End of Party’

Thursday, October 4th, 2007

Stop Partying Drug Addicts!!!!

Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper was in Winnipeg Thursday to introduce the new Conservative plan to combat drugs which will include $64 Million in new funding for enforcement and prevention purposes. Federal Health Minister Tony Clement wanted the message to the Canadian drug using community to be clear, saying that “the party’s over”.

“It’s a well known fact that drug addicts are living a 24-hour fantasy party, replete with massive orgies, nonstop Styx sing-alongs, and an endless supply of soft chocolate chip cookies,” said Clement, “we just want these reckless people to know that we’re beyond jealous, and will legislate the hell out of this. Have you seen the ugly women in politics? It’s like I’m in engineering school or something. Or those boring Ottawa parties where the only thing being smoked is Harper’s dry fucking jokes? So not fair.”

Local drug addict Johnny Snorts displayed a complex entanglement of feelings when confronted with such threats to his hedonistic wonderland. “I’m cold… I need shoes, God… please help me,” Johnny said, barely audible over the raucous bender heard in the background. “This guy keeps following me, and I’m puking up something purple… I need an ambulance…” he was believed to have said, before the line went dead, presumably because he needed to finish off his multiple attractive sexual partners before jet-setting to a long-weekend tantric bash in Monaco City.

When asked if all this new policy would only succeed in deepening the destitution experienced by Canada’s homeless drug addict community, Clement seemed puzzled. “Uhh yeah, REAL destitute, buddy,” Clement snarled, “I’m sure they’ll miss their pagers, gold jewelery, low-riding vehicles, and their fancy latex condoms.” Clement then pointed a finger inside his open mouth while making a dull choking noise.

Canada’s well-financed and impeccably dressed drug legalization lobby was deeply concerned with the new developments: Judge Reinhold, President of Party Addicted Drug Fiends for Change, issued a statement saying that “While we accept that the Federal Government does not appreciate our round-the-clock soirées, the fact of the matter is that we didn’t invite them to our parties anyways. I had Jack Layton over once and all he did was point at naked girls and give the thumbs up sign. Totally creeped everybody out. Talking about how Ocean Pacific threads were making a comeback and shit — I mean what a bunch of total losers!”

Popularity: 14% [?]