Archive for the ‘Canadiana’ Category

China Furious Over Harper and Dalai Lama’s Game of Two-Person Spin-The-Bottle

Monday, October 29th, 2007

Be happy they didn't play 60 seconds in the closet...

In a joint news conference after their private meeting today, Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper and the Dalai Lama sloughed off questions regarding China’s recalcitrance towards their reported game of Spin-The-Bottle, where only the two leaders participated.

“I just kept thinking ‘please let it be me, please let it be me’ and then the bottle landed on me,” recalled Harper, “and then I knew that I’d soon be tasting heaven.”

The Dalai Lama seemed amused at the Prime Minister’s enthusiasm.  “Stephen kept on forcing liquor down my throat like a 18 year old trying to get his date drunk — I guess he didn’t realize that the odds of us making out were 100%”.

In response to the staged kiss, China released a heated statement:

“We are certainly very much displeasured and regret the fact that Canada would totally ignore the repeated positions of the Chinese side and go ahead with its erroneous decision.  Such political theatre is not a good thing for the bilateral relationship of our two countries.  The Seperatist religious heathen is using cheap tricks to subvert the Western Mind — he will not call you after you let him into the poon-pantry.”

In political exile since 1959, the Dalai Lama has disavowed human intimacy, but Stephen Harper’s renowned charisma and virility proved impossible to resist.

Popularity: 14% [?]

Canadian Military Readies For Imminent North Pole Offensive By Toy Militia

Friday, October 26th, 2007

Make sure your batteries are charged, soldier!

Officials from the Canadian Military announced their intention to purchase remotely controlled vehicles to patrol the vast expanses of the Canadian Arctic on Wednesday, further reflecting the increasing emphasis the Harper government has put on sovereignty in the Far North.  Along with Unmanned Aerial Vehicles (or UAVs), the military will be obtaining a full slate of remote control rally cars with integrated rumble pack remotes, and several Playmobile sets from the Pirate Ship Harbour playset.

“We need to be prepared for any eventuality in our Arctic hinterlands, including the possibility of attack originating from the North Pole,” said Lt. General Samuel Zayous, “and I think we all know who operates out of the North Pole… winks!”

Military analysts applauded the government’s alertness and flexibility in a new era of armed conflict.  “Have you seen the theoretical mock-ups of equipment and manpower our kids are playing with these days?  Just imagine what the real-life examples would look like.  Having MegaZord from the Power Rangers, Rancor from Star Wars, or Krang’s Technodrome rumble into Iqaluit to conquer our entire country would obviously be unacceptable.  We need to stay alert,” warned University of Mattel Professor Hunky Ken.

The new remote controlled equipment has received rave reviews from military staff at all levels of rank.  Private Remo Nestor lauded the interactivity of the equipment: “We now have the ability to survey much larger tracts of land than we could in our own manned equipment, while putting ourselves in much less danger.  The next time Gargamel attempts an incursion into the Yukon Territory, we’ll be ready.”

When asked about the last time Gargamel invaded, Private Nestor suddenly became quiet, and let a single haunted tear roll off his cheek.

“The horror….. the….. horror…..”

Popularity: 13% [?]

Dion’s Quebec Lieutenant Quits, He-Man Rumoured As Replacement

Tuesday, October 16th, 2007

Dion needs a General, not a Lieutenant

As the Liberal Party of Canada held its national caucus on Tuesday, news leaked that Marcel Proulx — Stephane Dion’s freshly-appointed Quebec Lieutenant — had resigned over fallout from recent byelection losses in that province, including the Liberal stronghold of Outremont. Mr Dion, already suffering from negative image issues in Quebec, will now be forced into making another delicate appointment, and pundits are already hazarding guesses at who could be tabbed.

“What their byelection losses show is that Dion doesn’t simply need a Quebec Lieutenant, he needs a Quebec General, or perhaps a Quebec Admiral,” says political scientist Huge Laureate. “They may even need to expand the role to Quebec Inter-Stellar Space Emperor.”

A long popular choice for the job is He-Man, Master Of The Universe, who maintains a summer home near Gatineau, Quebec.

“We need someone who has superhuman strength and agility, galactically-proven diplomatic prowess, and a ragtag team of trusted confidantes who can get the job done,” said Justin Trudeau, apparent Liberal political kingmaker and conduit for Pierre Trudeau’s post-mortal directives. “The question shouldn’t be if we summon the Prince of Eternia, but when”.

Party insiders were already expressing reservations about Prince Adam’s lack of fluency in French, along with doubts about whether the Power of Grayskull would extrapolate beyond the Kingdom of Eternos. He-man has previously committed to three weeks of formal French language training, but that may not be enough to assuage hard-liners. “I’ve had dinner with Adam, and he’s pretty boring until he gets all raged up and flexes his clothes off. His French is pathetic, and he puts nacho cheese on poutine — he’s no Quebecois,” said one senior Liberal Official.

There has also been skepticism about his lack of formal military training — the role of Quebec Lieutenant usually requires secret commando abilities, while conducting clandestine operations entirely in camouflage. He-man seems to have inherited his powers from the Sorceress of Castle Grayskull, and has openly admitted he holds no formal military title or rank.

Other candidates rumoured in the running for the Lieutenancy include Sargent Slaughter, Guile from Street Fighter, the guy with 6 arms at the end of Mortal Kombat, and Pat Sajak.

Popularity: 16% [?]

Hopeless Drug Addicts Lament ‘End of Party’

Thursday, October 4th, 2007

Stop Partying Drug Addicts!!!!

Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper was in Winnipeg Thursday to introduce the new Conservative plan to combat drugs which will include $64 Million in new funding for enforcement and prevention purposes. Federal Health Minister Tony Clement wanted the message to the Canadian drug using community to be clear, saying that “the party’s over”.

“It’s a well known fact that drug addicts are living a 24-hour fantasy party, replete with massive orgies, nonstop Styx sing-alongs, and an endless supply of soft chocolate chip cookies,” said Clement, “we just want these reckless people to know that we’re beyond jealous, and will legislate the hell out of this. Have you seen the ugly women in politics? It’s like I’m in engineering school or something. Or those boring Ottawa parties where the only thing being smoked is Harper’s dry fucking jokes? So not fair.”

Local drug addict Johnny Snorts displayed a complex entanglement of feelings when confronted with such threats to his hedonistic wonderland. “I’m cold… I need shoes, God… please help me,” Johnny said, barely audible over the raucous bender heard in the background. “This guy keeps following me, and I’m puking up something purple… I need an ambulance…” he was believed to have said, before the line went dead, presumably because he needed to finish off his multiple attractive sexual partners before jet-setting to a long-weekend tantric bash in Monaco City.

When asked if all this new policy would only succeed in deepening the destitution experienced by Canada’s homeless drug addict community, Clement seemed puzzled. “Uhh yeah, REAL destitute, buddy,” Clement snarled, “I’m sure they’ll miss their pagers, gold jewelery, low-riding vehicles, and their fancy latex condoms.” Clement then pointed a finger inside his open mouth while making a dull choking noise.

Canada’s well-financed and impeccably dressed drug legalization lobby was deeply concerned with the new developments: Judge Reinhold, President of Party Addicted Drug Fiends for Change, issued a statement saying that “While we accept that the Federal Government does not appreciate our round-the-clock soirées, the fact of the matter is that we didn’t invite them to our parties anyways. I had Jack Layton over once and all he did was point at naked girls and give the thumbs up sign. Totally creeped everybody out. Talking about how Ocean Pacific threads were making a comeback and shit — I mean what a bunch of total losers!”

Popularity: 14% [?]

Loonie Reaches Parity: Canada Sells Itself

Thursday, September 27th, 2007

The loonie CRUSHES the American dollar

In a shocking move Thursday, Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper announced that his country is ‘up for sale’. “With the dollar reaching parity, it only makes sense to sell high in a free market. I have a Masters in Economics — trust me, I’m so right,” said Harper.

When asked if he had any prospective buyers lined up, Harper indicated that he’d, “received calls from the Ontario Teachers’ Pension Plan, Hannibal from the A-Team, and the Prince of Liechtenstein. I think we’ll find somebody to bite on this lemon.”

After looking amused with himself, Harper screamed, “I’m rich biaatch,” while a semi-truck horn was heard in the background.

After reaching a low of 61.3 cents per US dollar in 2001, the Canadian dollar (affectionately known as the ‘Loonie’) has reached parity with the American currency for the first time since the mid 70’s. This rise of 60% has lead Canadians to some truly perplexing claims in recent days; the Toronto Maple Leafs have claimed that they should be spotted with 60% more wins during the upcoming NHL season, and songstress Celine Dion has claimed that she will record music that is 60% ‘more meaningless’ — her representatives claim she is hard at work recording ‘Love Will Move Something That Is 60% Larger than Mountains’ and ‘My Heart Will Go On, Plus 60% Longer Than That’.

Most Canadians are ambivalent about the idea of selling their country, as the idea of toiling for an alien overlord is not a foreign concept. “How else could you sum up the career of Jim Carrey?” asked a local milkman.

All national citizenship is planned to be revoked in favour of lifetime subscriptions to celeb-weekly US Magazine. “The more this country knows about celebrity news, the more competitive we’ll be in the long run in the global economy,” pointed out one completely useless celebrity pundit. When pointed out that the country won’t exist, he slowly grabbed his crotch in a suggestive manner while repeatedly pretending his right arm was the top jaw of an alligator.

It is estimated that the person hardest hit by the abolishment of Canada will be rock group Trooper, whose very existence is owed to royalties from over-bearing Canadian content broadcast standards. Members of the group could not be reached for comment, as they were all taking part in the multi-decade festival known as ‘their respective pointless lives’.

Popularity: 14% [?]

Harper Hunts Senate For Sport

Tuesday, September 11th, 2007

Harper hires gladiators from the future to dismantle Senate

It is difficult to imagine a public institution more useless than the Canadian Senate. Created in the British North American Act of 1867 that also founded the Domain of Canada, the Senate was modeled off the British House of Lords — an upper chamber consisting entirely of social and political elites who held lifelong peerage to the institution. Our first Prime Minister, Sir John A. MacDonald, referred to the Canadian Senate as a body of ‘Sober Second Thought’ to check the unfettered democracy of the lower house, and the moniker has persevered to this very day. I think most Canadians prefer the Drunken First Impulses of the elected and therefore accountable House of Commons.

Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper, with his roots firmly cultivated in Western federal paranoia, has taken up the charge for Senate reform. Early in his term in government, he introduced legislation that would cap the amount of time a Senator can serve to 8 years. Late in 2006 he also proposed a bill that would bind the Prime Minister to appoint Senators that have been democratically chosen by the people, as opposed to arbitrary appointments. Hell, the guy has even appointed the second-ever democratically elected Senator, Bert Brown (from Alberta, who has been futilely electing Senators in waiting since 1989). This has some of the undertones of the infamous ‘Triple-E’ Senate’ espoused by the Western-based Reform Party in the late 80s/early 90s. The three E’s are Equal, Elected, and… ahhh I always forget the third one…. Emaciated? Exfoliated? blah whatever…

But recently, he has laid down the gauntlet in a fashion that no other Prime Minister before him has dared. In a speech to the joint houses of the Australian Parliament, Harper complimented the Aussies for having an elected Senate, and laid a dire admonishment of his own country’s upper house:

“The mandate to govern when it is given directly by the people is a great honour and a great responsibility,” Harper said in a speech to Australia’s joint houses of Parliament that included praise for its elected Senate. “It’s the very essence of responsible government and it is the minimum condition of 21st-century democracy. Canadians understand that our Senate, as it stands today, must either change or — like the old upper houses of our provinces — vanish.”

Oh Snap! I like this guy; he’s crazy on the threat-machine! I mean, the idea of abolishing the Senate is not new — the New Democrats hold the concept as a core principle, while the shower-avoiding Bloc Quebecois also support the idea.

So let’s review: 1) the Senate currently holds 60% Liberal members from the Trudeau and Chretien dynasties, b) Willie Adams from Nunavut was appointed more than 30 years ago at a time when Bobby Orr was still playing a regular shift in the NHL, c) that same Senator represents 26,000 Nunavutians [??] when every one of the six Senators from Alberta represents about half a million people, d) this is an institution that didn’t recognize women as ‘persons’ and therefore unable to serve in the upper house until 1929, and d) these guys can miss two full sessions of Parliament and still draw $123,000 a year in salary.

I’m with Harper and smiley-guy Jack Layton: open the time portal and let Machines from the future destroy the place.

Popularity: 10% [?]

Canada Provides Russia With New Anus

Monday, September 10th, 2007

Canada celebrates as two polar bears fight over dinner

It’s official: Russians have inexplicably forgotten how to play hockey. What alternative conclusion can be drawn from Canada’s ridiculous 7 wins and 1 tie record against the race of people who eat fruit loops with vodka instead of milk over 8 games? I’m no statistician, but outscoring the Russians by a margin of 259-3 (estimated) over the so-called ‘Super Series’ means that this rivalry is officially dead until the chess-playing Bolsheviks can actually muster their own pride. Everyone knows that Russians can play hockey; it’s just confusing how they’ve fallen off the map over the past few years. For those keeping score at home, this pounding is in addition to three straight Canadian World Junior Championships against the very same Russians in the gold medal game. Maybe the Russians need more of what Troy Glaus has been chomping on.

This whole thing is just a huge spit in the face to how awesome the Canada-Russia rivalry once was. Many hockey retards (ie Americans) call the 1980 USA-Soviet clash at the Olympics the best hockey game, but educated hockeyologists know this to be completely false. The 1972 Summit Series was the most passionate hockey every played, while the 1987 Canada Cup (featuring a top line with Gretzky and Lemieux in their primes) featured the best hockey ever played. It’s been pretty even over the years, with each country amassing their own major victories. I just wish the rivalry could go back to a time when the games meant something ideological. Playing the Soviet Union was like pitting the Greeks versus the Persians — either you win, or your world is destroyed. Now it’s like watching a regular season tilt between the Florida Panthers and the Phoenix Coyotes.

What can be done to salvage this situation? Encourage Russia to go back to Communism, of course! I propose that every able-bodied Canadian male set sail for the Russian Empire to fight on the side of the Reds against the tyrannical White Imperialists. Let’s get Lenin back, stir the shit storm, get everyone scared again. Hell, it’d be a lot cooler than worrying about religious zealots crashing our planes. Communists were cool because they hated religion — if you can think of anything more post-modern, I’d like to hear it.

Here’s to hoping that one day, Communism will prevail in Russia, simply so we can have some sweet hockey games again between the two rightful hockey powers. In memory, I’ve attached a video of the Canada-USSR bench clearing brawl at the 1987 World Junior Championships. With Canada leading 4-2 in the second period, with the gold medal assured with a victory, they decided that they would rather beat the shit out of Soviets than win the tournament. It’s modern-day chivalry.

Popularity: 11% [?]

Harper Needs Some Face-Time

Monday, September 10th, 2007

Harper squares off with another religious tradition

While wrapping up the APEC Summit in Sydney, Australia yesterday, Prime Minister Stephen Harper opined about Elections Canada’s recent decision to allow Muslim women dressed in a full burka or niqab to vote without facial identification, in direct contravention of federal legislation. Passed in June, Bill C-31 was intended to force visual identification of every voter, including people who traditionally shroud their appearance for religious reasons.

“I have to say that it concerns me greatly, because the role of Elections Canada is not to make its own laws. It’s to put into place the laws that Parliament has passed, so I hope they will reconsider this decision,” Harper said. “But in the meantime, if that doesn’t happen, Parliament will have to consider what actions it’s going to take to make sure its intentions are put into place.”

Where does this lousy schlup get off? Canada has a long history of proud multiculturalism and breaking down barriers in deference to religious sensitivities. What about Baltej Singh Dhillon, the first Sikh RCMP officer allowed to wear a turban during duty? Or light-flyweight boxer Pardeep Nagra, who was forced to seek a federal court order to compete with his beard unshaven? These prove beyond a reasonable doubt the highly-evolved Canadian cultural mindset; much more so that the French with their Muslim veil controversy in public schools, or the Dutch canvassing to ban Muslim burkas in public altogether. Right?

Well it turns out Muslims don’t really give a shit.

Sarah Elgazzar, a spokeswoman for the Canada Council on American-Islamic Relations, said Election Canada’s accommodation for Muslims was not something they wanted. Of the roughly 200,000 Muslims in Quebec, no more than 50 wear the full head covering. “If anybody had actually bothered to ask the women that are actually concerned, and we are talking about a very small minority of women, they would have told them that they always take it off to identify their faces,” she said. “And they do it at the bank, they do it at border crossings, they do it at the airport.”

Listen, I’m all for multiculturalism — how else could I observe my own made up religious holidays — but this whole thing is getting out of hand. Instead of being Johnny Proactive on the religious front, perhaps the government should make sure the involved parties are actually seeking the protections they’re so graciously defending. In this battle, score one for Harper Texas Ranger.

Popularity: 12% [?]