Seven Hurricanes, Three Perfect Guitar Solos Predicted For 2008 By Weather Office

The forecast calls for some scintillating riffs!

Weather forecasters had mixed news for the American public on Tuesday, predicting that seven hurricanes could hit the continental United States in 2008, but also that three monstrous guitar solos would reach objective perfection.

“We’ve been predicting hurricane activity for the past 35 years — recently the National Hurricane Office has recalibrated its field machinery to detect crunch-a-licious guitar solos spawned in our country and use that information in our annual predictive reports,” explains NHO chief Jimmy Page.

2007 saw a slight decline in hell-freezing fuzzbombs, with only one perfect guitar solo detected at a Collective Soul performance in Jimmy D’s Foodbag in Des Moine, Idaho on March 27.  Experts are expecting the three-fold increase due to a number of contributing factors:

  •  a possible Led Zeppelin reunion tour will cause many dormant guitar gods to reclaim their cherry axes and posit their mastery of music
  • the aging population and a resulting demographic shift may attract many new creatures to try their hand at playing music (most notably, a previously unidentified species of marsupial who has developed opposable thumbs and an insatiable rock wail)
  • and, a controversial photo of Nick Carter making love to a honeybee hive will sound the death knell of pop-based musical formats

As forecasting is an inexact science, the NHO office advises the public to be prepared for any guitar solo scenarios — the annual record is 12 perfect rump-busting tongue-monkeys.  Just as people are advised to have a hurricane emergency kit in their house, federal officials want everyone to be prepared for jump-humping heaven-smashers, which can crop up spontaneously.

“We advise everyone to have a kit ready with Bose headphones, three hits of acid, a tattered T-shirt, and a bandanna that faintly smells of vomit,” says Page.

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