Archive for December, 2007

Seven Hurricanes, Three Perfect Guitar Solos Predicted For 2008 By Weather Office

Wednesday, December 19th, 2007

The forecast calls for some scintillating riffs!

Weather forecasters had mixed news for the American public on Tuesday, predicting that seven hurricanes could hit the continental United States in 2008, but also that three monstrous guitar solos would reach objective perfection.

“We’ve been predicting hurricane activity for the past 35 years — recently the National Hurricane Office has recalibrated its field machinery to detect crunch-a-licious guitar solos spawned in our country and use that information in our annual predictive reports,” explains NHO chief Jimmy Page.

2007 saw a slight decline in hell-freezing fuzzbombs, with only one perfect guitar solo detected at a Collective Soul performance in Jimmy D’s Foodbag in Des Moine, Idaho on March 27.  Experts are expecting the three-fold increase due to a number of contributing factors:

  •  a possible Led Zeppelin reunion tour will cause many dormant guitar gods to reclaim their cherry axes and posit their mastery of music
  • the aging population and a resulting demographic shift may attract many new creatures to try their hand at playing music (most notably, a previously unidentified species of marsupial who has developed opposable thumbs and an insatiable rock wail)
  • and, a controversial photo of Nick Carter making love to a honeybee hive will sound the death knell of pop-based musical formats

As forecasting is an inexact science, the NHO office advises the public to be prepared for any guitar solo scenarios — the annual record is 12 perfect rump-busting tongue-monkeys.  Just as people are advised to have a hurricane emergency kit in their house, federal officials want everyone to be prepared for jump-humping heaven-smashers, which can crop up spontaneously.

“We advise everyone to have a kit ready with Bose headphones, three hits of acid, a tattered T-shirt, and a bandanna that faintly smells of vomit,” says Page.

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Calculus Co-Inventor Leibniz Surpasses James Dean to Become People’s ‘Sexiest Man Dead’

Thursday, December 13th, 2007

Leibniz or Dean???

In a move that has shocked celebrity pundits and specialists in multi-variate calculus alike, 17th Century intellectual Gottfried Leibniz has eclipsed James Dean as People’s ‘Sexiest Man Dead’ in their annual issue.  Although perhaps most famous for independently co-inventing calculus with Sir Isaac Newton, Leibniz was also known for his sculpted facial features and rippling pecks.

“Just because photography wasn’t invented during his lifetime does not mean that he should be disqualified,” explains People editor Grease Monkey.  “His hotness is legendary — his ability to create mathematical notation and syntax that continues to this day is especially yummable!”

Fans of James Dean simply cannot believe the outcome — this is an award that the ‘Rebel Without a Cause’ has shared for each of the last 26 years with WWI President Woodrow Wilson.

Dean Fan Club President Jimminy Cricket was especially enraged: “Look, we’re talking about a man here, Leibniz, whose grave went unmarked for 50 years.  The dude was like 70 when he died, all old and stuff.  Check out James Dean; he lived fast and left a good looking corpse.  Assuming the formaldehyde held out, I’m sure there are still people who’d like a piece of him.”

When asked if eulogizing the celebrities of yesteryear accomplished anything other than filling truly unremarkable people’s brains with further useless matter, Monkey shot back, “what’s the difference between that and what we normally do?”

The top 10 Sexiest Dead Men were as follows:

  1. Gottfried Leibniz
  2. James Dean
  3. President Woodrow Wilson
  4. Tsar Peter the Great
  5. The Right Honourable John Diefenbaker
  6. Odysseus
  7. Field Marshall Irwin Rommel
  8. Rasputin
  9. John Locke
  10. Jamphel Gyatso, the 8th Dalai Lama

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