WWE Aficionados Decry ‘Lack of Spontaneity’ During Writers’ Strike

Ok quick, change to the 'grab nuts' sign!

The current strike by the Writer’s Guild of America (WGA) is hurting more forms of entertainment than just late-night talk shows.

World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) is professional wrestling’s largest stage, and after the organizations top writers walked off the job two weeks ago, many dedicated fans are less than thrilled with the results in the ring after CEO Vince McMahon decided to continue with scheduled events.

“Instead of being thrilling and obviously choreographed, the shows are now just obviously choreographed,” reports WWE blogger Steve Blaustin. “In a recent match with The Undertaker, Triple H was heard spontaneously making up the action as the fight went along, and the audience clearly overhead the resulting dialogue.”

In the match Blaustin is referring to, the transcript of what was said includes:

Triple H: OK, OK… nowwww punch me, and I’ll throw my head back like you’re really clocking me… and thennnn, I’ll start doing that Hulk thing where I scowl and start pumping my arms while you’re pummeling me, just to show that your blows aren’t denting my resolve to win, and then I’ll block one of your punches, and you’ll look really really shocked, like you’ve just uncaged a rabid tiger, and then I’ll start punching your head (fakely of course), and you’ll hit the canvass.

Undertaker: What the hell, why don’t I get to do the giddy counter punch thing? I’ve got a better idea, how about I get you in a figure 4 leg lock, while the hot chick that accompanied me to the ring will grab a tin folding chair and smash it on your face? That would kick ass.

Triple H: Nah, I’ve got two broken cheekbones from last week, I veto that idea. Ok, how about you start complaining to the ref about something in a really animated fashion while I’m down on the mat, forcing him to completely focus on you… then I’ll recover unbeknown to either of you, then I’ll climb to the top turn buckle, jump off, and crash into both of you, knocking us all unconscious. Cool right?

Undertaker: Seriously guy, that was in Royal Rumble 5… no wonder you don’t write any of your own stuff, it’s utterly derivative!

As the WWE relies on its writers to compose nearly all of the in-match wrestling sequences and the dramatic sequences outside of the ring, the all-improvised shows have been beset by logistical and continuity problems.

One of the guys who fights under his own name — obvious fodder to lose every match — died during an entrance from the ceiling, well before he was intended to take his fatal plunge. “We can only actually kill someone every 7 years or so, and this guy totally blew it, he jumped 20 minutes before the show even started. There was only a handful of people in the stands that could smash two beers together over their heads and ingest the sudsy-results,” says McMahon.

Wrestling fans were also confused when, in the absence of evidence to the contrary, 70s wrestling superstar Superfly Jimmy Snuka assumed he was part of the contemporary plot, and interrupted four different matches in one night with his incredible leaping ability.

Fueding 80s superstars Hulk Hogan and Macho Man Randy Savage also lost their grip on reality. Reports suggested that without their explicit script instructions that they were retired men who leave each other alone and can fully differentiate between themselves and their former ring personas, the men have begun invading each other’s places of work and residence to spontaneously brawl over the honour of Miss Elizabeth.

“Damn Hogan, and his designs on my beautiful bride — I’m gonna CRUSH you Hogan, come tomorrow morning when you cut your lawn! Grass clippings aren’t the only thing municipal sanitary collectors will be taking to the dump — I wonder if I need to put your body parts in clear bags by city bylaw? Oooo Yeeeeeahhhhh!” Savage was quoted as saying to Mean Gene Okerlund.

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