FBI Receives Unconfirmed Al Qaeda Threats Against Office Supply Stores

Save those glue sticks at all costs!

Citing uncorroborated intelligence sources, an FBI official has revealed that Al Qaeda has stepped up their threatening rhetoric against American office supply retail outlets.

“It’s the same old story,” muses Special Agent Scully. “These kind of threats seem like an annual rite of passage. You’ve got to feel bad for the office supply stores who live under a constant guise of terror.”

Staples spokesman Rick Camponelli said that the retail giant was doing everything it can to protect both their invaluable cache of Post-It Notes and the customers who frequent their stores. “We’ve now hired armed guards to patrol the office furniture section, which has had the added benefit of keeping consumer intolerance over our ludicrous margins to a minimum.”

The FBI has issued numerous prior warnings for office supply stores in metropolitan areas, most of which were creative guesses by Bureau analysts based on the high price of looseleaf paper. They say the current threat, however, is clear, present, and possibly a danger.

“Our Alabama Field Office received an Office Depot flier that was desecrated with permanent marker,” said Scully. “Sale prices were circled repeatedly, and competitor prices were scrawled in the margins. It was bone-chilling. I mean, what kind of monster…” said the Agent before quietly trailing off.

The homeless person who was using the evidence to sleep on is still being held in a secret military location for questioning. ‘Smelly’ Joe Watson is expected to face trial by military tribunal by late 2013.

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