Archive for November, 2007

Barry Bonds Claims That He ‘Didn’t Knowingly’ Ingest Pop-Tarts

Friday, November 16th, 2007

It might have been tasty, but I wouldn't know...

Federal Prosecutors indicted baseball slugger Barry Bonds yesterday on four charges of perjury and one for obstruction of justice for his Grand Jury testimony regarding alleged consumption of toaster treat Pop-Tarts.

Because the investigation into the morning sugar-snack controversy had unfolded over four years, the sudden indictment surprised sports analysts and legal experts alike. Bonds’ former trainer and suspected Pop-Tart dealer Greg Anderson was also released from custody, after nearly a year spent in prison for refusing to disclose his involvement in the star’s gastrointestinal habits. It’s unclear what new evidence the government has compiled on Bonds, but those familiar with the case suggest the home run king may be facing real prison time.

“Prosecutors had found a calender in Anderson’s office that was ostensibly marked with the acronyms ‘BB’ and ‘PT’ along with the time 7:15 am — it’s almost as if this was a full Pop-Tart scheduling system,” says legal analyst John Juice. “They also found a blood sample marked ‘Barry B’ that tested positive for Pop-Tarts. Government DNA testing results to verify if this was indeed Bonds’ blood have been kept secret, however.”

Baseball dilettante Joe Buck suggests that the evidence of Bonds’ Pop-Tart abuse is only too plain to recognize. “He broke into the league in the 80’s as a lithe, defensive outfielder. In the late 90s he began the transformation into a behemoth, packing on 240 lbs of muscle, and having a head the size of a small solar system,” says Buck. “It doesn’t take a Bachelor of Fine Arts to figure out that this guy was huffing a serious amount of Tarts.”

Doctors disagree about what Bonds’ long-term health implications are because of his prolonged dependence on Pop-Tarts. “I’d assume that he’ll be carrying around Rolaids for the remainder of his natural life,” suggests Dr. Phil Fulton. “I also would not be surprised if he develops chronic arthritis in his thumbs at an early age, because of the near-constant toaster use.”

In an interview with 60 Minutes this past October, Bonds became visibly irritated at questions about whether his alleged Pop-Tart abuse would taint his home run records, whether a chorus of toasters heard popping in the background were preparing Pop-Tarts for his consumption after the interview, and also whether a square shaped item he was eating obscured by paper was indeed a Pop-Tart.

“I haven’t played this sport my entire life only to face questions about my sportsmanship. These records won’t be tainted. At all. Period. YUM Yum. Home runs. Chomp chomp. Dead. Blueberry. Sucky suck…. Mmmmm. Hey Dad, grab the measuring tape, I think my head just grew another inch in circumference!” said Bonds.

Popularity: 31% [?]

WWE Aficionados Decry ‘Lack of Spontaneity’ During Writers’ Strike

Thursday, November 15th, 2007

Ok quick, change to the 'grab nuts' sign!

The current strike by the Writer’s Guild of America (WGA) is hurting more forms of entertainment than just late-night talk shows.

World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) is professional wrestling’s largest stage, and after the organizations top writers walked off the job two weeks ago, many dedicated fans are less than thrilled with the results in the ring after CEO Vince McMahon decided to continue with scheduled events.

“Instead of being thrilling and obviously choreographed, the shows are now just obviously choreographed,” reports WWE blogger Steve Blaustin. “In a recent match with The Undertaker, Triple H was heard spontaneously making up the action as the fight went along, and the audience clearly overhead the resulting dialogue.”

In the match Blaustin is referring to, the transcript of what was said includes:

Triple H: OK, OK… nowwww punch me, and I’ll throw my head back like you’re really clocking me… and thennnn, I’ll start doing that Hulk thing where I scowl and start pumping my arms while you’re pummeling me, just to show that your blows aren’t denting my resolve to win, and then I’ll block one of your punches, and you’ll look really really shocked, like you’ve just uncaged a rabid tiger, and then I’ll start punching your head (fakely of course), and you’ll hit the canvass.

Undertaker: What the hell, why don’t I get to do the giddy counter punch thing? I’ve got a better idea, how about I get you in a figure 4 leg lock, while the hot chick that accompanied me to the ring will grab a tin folding chair and smash it on your face? That would kick ass.

Triple H: Nah, I’ve got two broken cheekbones from last week, I veto that idea. Ok, how about you start complaining to the ref about something in a really animated fashion while I’m down on the mat, forcing him to completely focus on you… then I’ll recover unbeknown to either of you, then I’ll climb to the top turn buckle, jump off, and crash into both of you, knocking us all unconscious. Cool right?

Undertaker: Seriously guy, that was in Royal Rumble 5… no wonder you don’t write any of your own stuff, it’s utterly derivative!

As the WWE relies on its writers to compose nearly all of the in-match wrestling sequences and the dramatic sequences outside of the ring, the all-improvised shows have been beset by logistical and continuity problems.

One of the guys who fights under his own name — obvious fodder to lose every match — died during an entrance from the ceiling, well before he was intended to take his fatal plunge. “We can only actually kill someone every 7 years or so, and this guy totally blew it, he jumped 20 minutes before the show even started. There was only a handful of people in the stands that could smash two beers together over their heads and ingest the sudsy-results,” says McMahon.

Wrestling fans were also confused when, in the absence of evidence to the contrary, 70s wrestling superstar Superfly Jimmy Snuka assumed he was part of the contemporary plot, and interrupted four different matches in one night with his incredible leaping ability.

Fueding 80s superstars Hulk Hogan and Macho Man Randy Savage also lost their grip on reality. Reports suggested that without their explicit script instructions that they were retired men who leave each other alone and can fully differentiate between themselves and their former ring personas, the men have begun invading each other’s places of work and residence to spontaneously brawl over the honour of Miss Elizabeth.

“Damn Hogan, and his designs on my beautiful bride — I’m gonna CRUSH you Hogan, come tomorrow morning when you cut your lawn! Grass clippings aren’t the only thing municipal sanitary collectors will be taking to the dump — I wonder if I need to put your body parts in clear bags by city bylaw? Oooo Yeeeeeahhhhh!” Savage was quoted as saying to Mean Gene Okerlund.

Popularity: 97% [?]

Yahoo Advises Against Web Searching For “Coup D’Etat 4:30 today China bring ammo”

Wednesday, November 14th, 2007

One day we may fall in battle -- but it is not this day!

Chinese residents may want to think twice before using Internet search engines to find like-minded revolutionaries.

Yahoo today released a list of words belonging to search logs that they impulsively cannot hesitate to provide to the Chinese Communist Government. In light of recently settling a legal case with the family of a journalist who was jailed and mistreated after the company handed over search records to China, Chief Yahoo Gerry Yang said that their legal counsel is forcing them to warn the public about the dangers of questioning authority.

“We’d like to tell the public to stop searching for these words. We can’t help but to tell China everything we do. It’s like we’re ex-lovers who run into each other in awkward two year intervals whenever we’re both single and unabashedly tipsy — we simply can’t keep our hands off each other,” said Yang in a statement.

Among the words or phrases to avoid typing into the Yahoo search prompt are:

  • revolution
  • ninja
  • Robespierre
  • krang
  • fluoride conspiracy
  • cannonade
  • whereabouts of Amelia Earhart
  • did you ever wonder why rice looks like fish eggs
  • china girl bowie racial stereotyping
  • how many collective IQ points did the world lose after watching phantom menace
  • Alf
  • and, Pitcairn incest; what other option?; ethical ramifications; the swirl

Yang further intimated that discouraging free searching broke the companies long-standing moral adherences. “This can only serve to weaken our dominance over Google in our one remaining bastion of the web — dissident-betrayal. Before the Chinese forced our hand, we had over 80% of the market share in the identification of brooding freedom fighters. Getting sued just handed it to big G on a silver platter, thank you very much,” scowled the CEO.

When reminded that Yahoo Answers outlasted Google’s competitive product, Yang seemed dismissive, saying, “Do you need to ask the solution for how much revenue we make off that thing? God, please do, I could use the 3 thousandths of a cent in ad revenue.”

Along with the potential to be handed over to the Chinese Secret Police, Yahoo has altered their Terms & Conditions to reflect other potential brutal eventualities:

INTERNATIONAL ESPIONAGE & HISTORICAL TIME TRAVELING WAIVER

You hereby understand that using Yahoo.com or any of its subsidiary websites and/or products may or may not result in your physical and mental embodiment being implicated in a Marxist International Junta. You will be detained by foreign authorities, subject to cruel and unusual punishment (such as eating Big Turks), forced to remember the lyrics to ‘My Humps’, and coerced into operating experimental time travel apparatuses. Your Yahoo user account may or may not also be frozen for 24 hours. But you’ll still be able to search the web and check horoscopes — you’ll just have to wait a bit to check your fantasy hockey team and stock portfolio.

To obtain a full listing of restricted words, please contact Yahoo’s communications department.

Popularity: 30% [?]

Distressed Student Planted To Ask Clinton About Her ‘Voluptuous Powersuit’

Tuesday, November 13th, 2007

Do you like what I'm wearing bitch???

It seems Hilary has the answers for everything, including what crowd-members should ask her about.

The race for the Democratic Presidential Nomination took an abrupt turn yesterday when it was disclosed that officials from Hilary Clinton’s campaign told certain members in the audience what to ask the candidate after a speech on energy policy in Iowa.

Today a student disclosed the horrific truth, admitting that his question about Clinton’s sexy powersuit was completely fabricated by the New York Senator’s campaign.

“Two fluffers came over from her campaign and told me that if I asked this question they’d give me some Ricky Martin PEZ dispensers,” said the student, who will remain anonymous due to his enrollment in the witness protection program.

The staffer then opened a large binder, flipped to page tabbed “For Slacked-Off Gibronis”, and referenced a list of eight pre-prepared questions specifically designed for someone of his disposition and sobriety.  After passing on a) “Do you have your brown belt?”, b) “What does Kangaroo Pouch Goo taste like?”, and c) “Which is your favourite tooth?”, the staffer prompted the student to ask, “Where do you get your voluptuous Powersuits?”

Video from the event shows the student sheepishly approach a microphone and asking: “Mrs. Clinton… golly… you’re so pretty all the time… your suits, they’re so bold and immaculate.  I wonder how Bill could have ever wanted to splooge on someone else’s clothes?”  Clinton campaign officials can be seen waving frantically in the background while Clinton gives a flattered smile.

Popularity: 24% [?]

Viral Web 2.0 Beta Facebook App Platform Syndicates Mashed-Up User Generated Content Tag Feed Through Aggregated Social Networking AJAX Widget While Executive Thought Leadership Seeks Monetization Synergy Via Paradigm-Shifting P2P Advertising Partnership

Monday, November 12th, 2007

Wow, where can I buy stock?!

Are you ready for the revolution??

New Web 2.0 startup Crackr launched in beta mode this morning amidst massive industry hype, but they have somehow answered their critics and delivered a masterpiece of online innovation.  Our own Kevin Tulip sat down with Crackr CEO Mark Huey to discuss their new product release:

Tulip: So, Mark, you’ve come a long way from your original idea to the culmination of making it reality.  Tell us how you originally came up with this amazing idea?

Huey: Well it all started a long time, about 4 and a half weeks ago, when I was eating Fruit Loops in my underwear surrounded by three monitors, and I realized a) that the internet was 100% bad, and b) that I was a zany genius.  Something had to give.

Tulip: So what was your idea, again?

Huey: I don’t need ideas.  The idea of ideas is notional.  Crackr is all about being smart, or at least making people think we’re innovative, but we’re actually just copying about 13 different sites out there, asking people to create an account, and will try to sell our company on an inflated per user multiple when we know that most of our users never signed in again.

Tulip: Genius. Did you have any problems raising money for this idea?

Huey: Not at all.  I presented to a bunch of people who barely knew how to log into their own computers.  We prepared a pretty slide deck, and told them that our idea was too good for a business plan.  It would just be a waste of time, we need first mover advantage, this bubble will pop soon, blah blah.  They were totally blown away — we secured $5 Million within 4 days.

Tulip: They’re obviously sophisticated investors.  Tell me about the team you’ve put together since then.

Huey: Well I knew that we needed to get big fast, so we recruited world-class web talent.  I immediately hired a bell-hop with one of those round hats to open our office doors.  We bought a Thai masseuse on the black market.  I hired someone to kidnap Bill Cosby so he could make us Jello Jigglers 24/7.  But I must admit, I thought it was total vanity when we hired those three experienced web developers, a user interface specialist, a project manager, a web designer, and a network administrator.  With those people on board, we almost couldn’t afford catered lunch everyday.

Tulip: So tell me about your website.  What does it do?

Huey: It’s pretty unremarkable.  We don’t make it clear what it does, or how people benefit by using it — I think that’s a strong reflection of our brand image. We ask people to sign up, and then to email all their friends before they have any idea that our site is underwhelming.

Tulip: Then…. what… does it… do?

Huey: People can add friends, message people, fill out a profile, vote on a couple of things.  But the key is that we’re harnessing the wisdom of crowds.  We’re totally changing the world.

Tulip: How are you doing that?

Huey: Well we had this promotion to launch our site where we parked outside the headquarters of Quaker Oats and handed out Watermelons that had Walrus fetuses planted inside.  At least 4500 people watched that on YouTube.  And it only cost us $50,000 — we’re all about maximizing shareholder value.

Tulip: What kind of defensible intellectual property do you guys have?

Huey:  We plan on suing anybody that has a website requiring people to use their eyeballs to look at a computer screen and then interpret the electrical signals with their brains. We figure that we’ve earned the exclusive rights to biochemical synaptic impulse.

Tulip: Agreed.  How do you plan on making money?

Huey: Advertising?  Transaction fees?  Subscription?  Micropayments?  I really haven’t thought about it too much.  We’ve actually just placed an empty box in the middle of our office with a sign that says: “Money Goes Here” with arrows pointing inside the box.  Checking the box every morning to see if money appears is kind of like Christmas coming everyday!

Tulip: Seems reasonable. Tell us about the groundbreaking partnerships you’ve forged.

Huey: We’re partnered with Bazooka Bubble Gum to indiscriminately sign up every person who’s ever returned the 50,000 Bazooka Joe comic strips necessary to receive the Bazooka Joe leather jacket.  Add that to the 4,700,000 recorded tax payers of Guatemala that we’ve imported into our database, and our company valuation is already through the roof.

Tulip: Amazing!  Anyway, thanks for taking the time today to speak to us, and let me know if I can invest in this juggernaut.

Huey:  We’re selling stock at 894,800 times revenue right now.  We can barely keep up with demand.  They’re born every minute, aren’t they?

Tulip: Ahahahahah, you so funny! Gahhhh.

Crackr.com launches today, November 12, 2007.  Toilet paper rolls of Crackr stock will be mailed to the house of every person who signs up.

Popularity: 43% [?]

FBI Receives Unconfirmed Al Qaeda Threats Against Office Supply Stores

Friday, November 9th, 2007

Save those glue sticks at all costs!

Citing uncorroborated intelligence sources, an FBI official has revealed that Al Qaeda has stepped up their threatening rhetoric against American office supply retail outlets.

“It’s the same old story,” muses Special Agent Scully. “These kind of threats seem like an annual rite of passage. You’ve got to feel bad for the office supply stores who live under a constant guise of terror.”

Staples spokesman Rick Camponelli said that the retail giant was doing everything it can to protect both their invaluable cache of Post-It Notes and the customers who frequent their stores. “We’ve now hired armed guards to patrol the office furniture section, which has had the added benefit of keeping consumer intolerance over our ludicrous margins to a minimum.”

The FBI has issued numerous prior warnings for office supply stores in metropolitan areas, most of which were creative guesses by Bureau analysts based on the high price of looseleaf paper. They say the current threat, however, is clear, present, and possibly a danger.

“Our Alabama Field Office received an Office Depot flier that was desecrated with permanent marker,” said Scully. “Sale prices were circled repeatedly, and competitor prices were scrawled in the margins. It was bone-chilling. I mean, what kind of monster…” said the Agent before quietly trailing off.

The homeless person who was using the evidence to sleep on is still being held in a secret military location for questioning. ‘Smelly’ Joe Watson is expected to face trial by military tribunal by late 2013.

Popularity: 41% [?]

Importers: Tainted Chinese Kids’ Toys Clearly Labeled ‘For Date-Rapists Aged 5+’

Thursday, November 8th, 2007

Don't play too long kids!

Officials from the Consumer Product Safety Commission were reeling after it was made public that a drug commonly known as the ‘date rape drug’, gamma-hydroxy butyrate (GHB), was found in a popular children’s toy, Aqua Dots.  The Chinese-made toys have caused serious illness in 5 children worldwide after toddlers swallowed the beads, which contain high concentrations of GHB.

The Toronto-based importers of the toys were on the defensive, however, saying that their products were clearly marked as only appropriate for ‘date rapists aged 5+’.

“How dumb are poeple — I mean it’s right on the package in big white letters,” laughs Spin Master Ltd CEO Buckminster Fuller, whose company distributes the toys in North America.  “You would think that any non-date rapists would clue in and find a different toy to play with.”

After suggestions that his product could be used maliciously in despicable criminal acts, Fuller became very defensive.  “The label does NOT say ‘for use in date rape’.  That’s crazy!  All it’s implying is that only a niched subset of the population can handle this toy properly.  People with enough experience to handle it safely.”

Industry analyst James Baker openly wondered how any child could have acquired these requisite skills.  “I think we need some kind of government certification program, so that only truly qualified candidates can play with these toys.  I suppose then we’d also need some kind of government-endorsed study to help define what a ‘qualified’ candidate actually entails.”

The Safety Commission has ordered a full public recall of the toys, and has set up collection bins next to dark night-clubs where unknown strangers meet regularly to share unattended drinks.

Popularity: 57% [?]

DHS Suspends Smart-Looking Asian Guy Without Costume At Halloween Party

Wednesday, November 7th, 2007

Smart Asian Guy?  What a stereotype...

Department of Homeland Security officials are backpedaling after a weekend costume party stirred national controversy when employees came dressed as stereotyped minorities.  First it was disclosed that a white staffer came dressed as a black prison inmate, with dreadlocks and face paint.  Today, the Associated Press reported that another staff member came dressed as a smartly-dressed Asian man, with a stylish cell phone and Japanese car.

“Here is the bottom line: People do dumb things,” DHS chief Michael Chertoff said. “I get very perturbed when there is anything that is done that suggests that we are anything other than even-handed. I have zero tolerance for racism or discrimination. We have to be tough but we have to be fair. The idea that you are going to come and impersonate someone of an ethnic group, I think, is completely unacceptable.”

The 24-year-old man in question is of Chinese descent, with his parents immigrating to the United States from Hong Kong in the 1970s.

“What the hell?” asks the man, who wished to remain anonymous.  “I wasn’t even wearing a costume!  I was just walking in to pick up my buddy Brad from the costume party, and then people started pouring their drinks on me and threshing me with bamboo sticks.  Everyone was calling me a racist and telling me to apologize to every minority I saw.  So I apologized to… myself?”

Analysts suggest that the DHS maintains extremely strict equality standards, and any suggestion of stereotyping is severely sanctioned.

“Walking into a DHS party as a racial stereotype is unacceptable, regardless if the person is part of that racial group,” says one department insider.  “It doesn’t matter if it was a joke or not — with his Honda Civic, Razr cell phone, clean-cut appearance, and boutique attire, this young man was definitely pushing the boundaries of political correctness.  The next time he goes to a party, he should think about orally reciting wrong answers to elementary math problems at the very least.”

Popularity: 39% [?]

Christina Aguilera Pregnant, Automatic Dialer Deployed To Identify Paternal Candidates

Tuesday, November 6th, 2007

Hey, can you ask the rest of your block if they forgot condoms too?

Chalk up another victory for disciplined, planned parenthood!  It was announced yesterday that Christina Aguilera is pregnant with her first child — news which thrilled her remaining delusional enclave of fans.

“I couldn’t be more happy for her!” proclaimed a local uncultured tart, whose insistence on wearing hoochie-pants belied her late 90’s coming-of-age.

Though the child was presumed to be the product of her two year marriage to music executive Jordan Bratman, Aguilera incredulously sloughed off such rumours.  In a press release, she congratulated the entire male populations of both the continental United States and the ‘Known World’ as collective fathers:

We’ve had a good run over the last nine years, and whether I slept with you (highly likely) or simply acted as a masturbatory muse, I want to thank you for your combined and continued support.

To whittle down potential paternal candidates to a non-hyperbolic figure, state officials have deployed the services of a 70’s era automatic dialing machine that will cycle through all 10 billion possible numbers between 000-000-0000 and 999-999-9999 to deliver the following prerecorded message:

  • Press one if you’ve copulated with Ms. Aguilera in the last 9 months
  • Press two if your reproductive tissue has been dispensed within a radius of 20 feet from Ms. Aguilera’s physical body
  • Press three if you’ve mailed samples of your gametes to Ms. Aguilera or anyone in her acquaintance
  • Hang up now if none of the previous statements are true — ahahah, I know, I know

It’s expected that every man currently living on the planet or his direct descendants will be contacted approximately by the year 2650.  Because of the potential for multiple DNA matches (one out of every 13,500,000 men carry similar DNA profiles), Axe Body Spray has offered to hold the top class-action litigation law firm on retainer on behalf of men worldwide.

Once the legal precedents are established, joint custody will be granted in the form of membership to a co-operative organization, the Collective Lovers of Aguilera Posse, or CLAP.  Benefits of membership will include a laminated name-tag, monthly newsletter, and official coital rights of entry (though no official rights are usually necessary).

Popularity: 29% [?]

‘Duck Hunt’ Franchise Shows Fatigue In Ill-Fated New Movie Adaptation

Monday, November 5th, 2007

How do I sleep with a 2D character?

That laughing dog has one more thing to giggle about.

Film reviewers were merciless this week in their excoriation of the recent big-screen adaption of the video gaming classic ‘Duck Hunt’. Trying to bank on the recent trend of adapting video game classics to film, ‘Duck Hunt: The Movie’ instead provided critics with a lot to take aim at.

“I’m not sure where to begin,” fumed critic impresario Roger Ebert. “The fact that we don’t leave the confines of the two-dimensional field of play leaves the directors with little dramatic options, the stilted interplay between the original characters and new bankable stars like Angelina Jolie and Soundwave from Transformers leaves much to be desired, and relying entirely on the NES 8-bit graphics engine has produced predictable and yawn-inspiring special effects.”

“Whoever greenlighted this film should be subject to an involuntary sex change,” added Ebert.

Reports of creative conflict dogged the film through pre-production and principle shooting.

“I don’t think I’ll ever work with animals again,” offers Angelina Jolie. “Every few minutes the ducks would take off, the entire sky would go instantly yellow, and a massive ‘Fly Away’ wordmark would flash in the air. It was obviously very frustrating. Not to mention that condescending dog kept on laughing at everybody — I would have put cyanide in his water dish if it weren’t for those PETA representatives on set.”

Among other shortfalls identified by critics were:

  • the film’s reliance on repetitive scenes using recurring patterns of action
  • an absence of an actual ‘duck hunter’ character — shots ring in as if they were directed by God
  • a superfluously graphic romantic subplot involving Soundwave and an injured Mallard (”I thought that kind of thing was only legal in Croatia?” asks Richard Roeper)

Despite the dismal opening box office, Paramount Pictures has commissioned a sequel to ‘Duck Hunt’, which industry insiders say will explore the fragility of mankind and our ultimately futile stewardship of the environment.

“They’re casting a monkey and a talking human buttock in the lead roles,” says ET anchor Sugar Ray.

Popularity: 30% [?]