Mukasey Supports Waterboarding As ‘100% Adrenaline’

Waterboarding isn't just fun, it's a way of life...

With his sun-drenched locks playfully framing his bronzed face, Attorney General Nominee Michael Mukasey vehemently supported Waterboarding during nomination hearings today, claiming that he likes to waterboard whenever he gets a chance.

“Dude, when that rip tide comes in, and the waves smash your waterboard around, it’s 100% pure adrenaline,” said the former Federal Judge. “Others shoot for it, jab a vein for it… all you gotta do is board for it.”

Asked if that was a direct quote from the 1991 hit movie Point Break starring Patrick Swayze, Mukasey ripped a giant fist pump, pointed at Senator Warner, and screamed, “YOU…YOU… That’s why I like you!”

Waterboarding has come under fire as a questionable interrogation technique during the War on Terror, with some in Washington suggesting that it borders on torture. It involves laying a prisoner on their back, throwing back their heads, wrapping their face in cellophane or plastic wrap, and bombarding their torso with water — the resulting sensation is akin to being held underwater and close to drowning.

Mukasey tried to debunk that definition.

“Drowning? Are you serious?” asked the nominee. “Only if you suck at it! You have to just, like, relax and let the water become a part of you. If you want the ultimate rush, you gotta be willing to pay the ultimate price…”

Mukasey was also questioned about the value of the information gained from the ‘extrajudicial’ detainees under waterboarding, with critics suggesting it is little more than a punitive measure rather than a viable means to obtain intelligence.

“Dude, they’ve given us the sweetest intel!” yelled Mukasey. “I got this one tip on how to order a barbeque sauce with your cheeseburger at McDonald’s for dipping, and this other guy told me that I should consider keeping loose change in my car for when I need to park at meters… I mean that’s all good stuff right there!”

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