Canadian Military Readies For Imminent North Pole Offensive By Toy Militia

Make sure your batteries are charged, soldier!

Officials from the Canadian Military announced their intention to purchase remotely controlled vehicles to patrol the vast expanses of the Canadian Arctic on Wednesday, further reflecting the increasing emphasis the Harper government has put on sovereignty in the Far North.  Along with Unmanned Aerial Vehicles (or UAVs), the military will be obtaining a full slate of remote control rally cars with integrated rumble pack remotes, and several Playmobile sets from the Pirate Ship Harbour playset.

“We need to be prepared for any eventuality in our Arctic hinterlands, including the possibility of attack originating from the North Pole,” said Lt. General Samuel Zayous, “and I think we all know who operates out of the North Pole… winks!”

Military analysts applauded the government’s alertness and flexibility in a new era of armed conflict.  “Have you seen the theoretical mock-ups of equipment and manpower our kids are playing with these days?  Just imagine what the real-life examples would look like.  Having MegaZord from the Power Rangers, Rancor from Star Wars, or Krang’s Technodrome rumble into Iqaluit to conquer our entire country would obviously be unacceptable.  We need to stay alert,” warned University of Mattel Professor Hunky Ken.

The new remote controlled equipment has received rave reviews from military staff at all levels of rank.  Private Remo Nestor lauded the interactivity of the equipment: “We now have the ability to survey much larger tracts of land than we could in our own manned equipment, while putting ourselves in much less danger.  The next time Gargamel attempts an incursion into the Yukon Territory, we’ll be ready.”

When asked about the last time Gargamel invaded, Private Nestor suddenly became quiet, and let a single haunted tear roll off his cheek.

“The horror….. the….. horror…..”

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