Archaeological Evidence Confirms Jesus Drove An SUV

Talk about a pimp-ride!

An archaeological excavation near Galilee has confirmed environmentalist evangelicals’ worst fears: Jesus actually did drive an SUV. This finding is expected to instantly bilk the humour from millions of bumper stickers worldwide, and to force historians to rethink the timing of the industrial revolution with an event that predates the invention of the automobile by approximately two millennia.

The dig site, supervised by University of Jerusalem Professor Eric Smith, has produced a large cast-iron chassis, along with chrome remnants of what’s believed to be bumpers and rims. A variety of organic material suspected to be customized leather was found, consistently monogrammed with the vernacular “J/Chriz”, leading scholars to the conclusion that this was the vehicle of the Christ.

“Jesus was above all practical,” explained Professor Smith, “and at the time, Roman horse-feed surcharges had forced people in the Middle East to innovate like never before. Why pay the Romans a King’s Ransom, when you could ride like the rap superstars of the future? And with an ever-expanding cadre of disciples, Jesus needed something that could carry his entire krew.” Professor Smith explicitly misspelled crew in his remarks, ostensibly because of his enormous street cred (as in credibility).

Theologians around the world were questioning why Jesus would choose an SUV as his transportation mode of choice. “Really, what advantages are gained by an SUV over, say, a GT snow racer, or a train?” mused a local right-wing Jesus-type. “You’d expect the Son of God to not fear injury in a crash scenario… maybe he had a bad experience with a subcompact early in his life.”

To commemorate the discovery, all three Detroit automakers are planning special ‘Jesus’ editions of their SUV lineups. Ford will release the Ecclesiastical Explorer in time for the 2009 model year, while Jeep is readying a Commander Crucifix for their late 2009 line-up. Models will feature navigation systems with flat earth maps, detection systems on the passenger side bucket seat to determine if the occupant is still a virgin, and free CD copies of Creed’s entire discography permanently affixed inside the car’s stereo system CD changer.

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One Response to “Archaeological Evidence Confirms Jesus Drove An SUV”

  1. loonylvr Says:

    your going to hell for this one lololol!!! too funny!

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