Dion’s Quebec Lieutenant Quits, He-Man Rumoured As Replacement

Dion needs a General, not a Lieutenant

As the Liberal Party of Canada held its national caucus on Tuesday, news leaked that Marcel Proulx — Stephane Dion’s freshly-appointed Quebec Lieutenant — had resigned over fallout from recent byelection losses in that province, including the Liberal stronghold of Outremont. Mr Dion, already suffering from negative image issues in Quebec, will now be forced into making another delicate appointment, and pundits are already hazarding guesses at who could be tabbed.

“What their byelection losses show is that Dion doesn’t simply need a Quebec Lieutenant, he needs a Quebec General, or perhaps a Quebec Admiral,” says political scientist Huge Laureate. “They may even need to expand the role to Quebec Inter-Stellar Space Emperor.”

A long popular choice for the job is He-Man, Master Of The Universe, who maintains a summer home near Gatineau, Quebec.

“We need someone who has superhuman strength and agility, galactically-proven diplomatic prowess, and a ragtag team of trusted confidantes who can get the job done,” said Justin Trudeau, apparent Liberal political kingmaker and conduit for Pierre Trudeau’s post-mortal directives. “The question shouldn’t be if we summon the Prince of Eternia, but when”.

Party insiders were already expressing reservations about Prince Adam’s lack of fluency in French, along with doubts about whether the Power of Grayskull would extrapolate beyond the Kingdom of Eternos. He-man has previously committed to three weeks of formal French language training, but that may not be enough to assuage hard-liners. “I’ve had dinner with Adam, and he’s pretty boring until he gets all raged up and flexes his clothes off. His French is pathetic, and he puts nacho cheese on poutine — he’s no Quebecois,” said one senior Liberal Official.

There has also been skepticism about his lack of formal military training — the role of Quebec Lieutenant usually requires secret commando abilities, while conducting clandestine operations entirely in camouflage. He-man seems to have inherited his powers from the Sorceress of Castle Grayskull, and has openly admitted he holds no formal military title or rank.

Other candidates rumoured in the running for the Lieutenancy include Sargent Slaughter, Guile from Street Fighter, the guy with 6 arms at the end of Mortal Kombat, and Pat Sajak.

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