Vatican Official Hired Over Sex Scandal

Bring the diamond laced handcuffs father!

The Vatican announced today that they have filled an important role within the Roman Curia after an exhaustive sex scandal search. Appointed to the role of Prefect for the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith (CDF) will be Cardinal Cedric Offishall, after his respective sex scandal was deemed simultaneously the most ludicrous and erotic by The Holy See.

“He just wanted it the most,” said Cardinal Memberto, “the whole thing was on videotape, and I don’t think anybody could really tell if that was a goat or not, but it was part of its charm. What a showman.”

“I’ve never seen rhubarb used as a sexual aid before,” added Arch-Bishop O’Leary, “which just goes to show his creativity. He’ll really represent the Vatican well in public events, especially the upcoming reality TV show ‘Altar Boyz’. This guy’s got a natural screen presence, and a case of glistening buttock that would make Rob Lowe jealous.”

Before confirming the appointment, Cardinal Secretary of State Bertone commissioned the requisite Holy Striptease of Offishall. A traditional rite of passage, this popular festivity is termed ‘The Full Ponty’ by Vatican insiders. Apparently, Cardinal Offishall closed his set off with a double-fist-pumping-jump-hump into the audience.

Preparations are feverishly underway for the new CDF Chief’s arrival. “He’s asked for a full mirror to be installed on his office ceiling, and for fog machines and strobe lights to be mounted on the walls,” said Papal Secretary Jimmy Smits. “I don’t even want to ask what he’s got planned.”

First on his long list of upcoming events is a diplomatic dinner with Nelson Mandela, Physicist Stephen Hawking, Former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger, and TV sports personality Dick Vitale.

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One Response to “Vatican Official Hired Over Sex Scandal”

  1. Chris Says:

    WOW! The full ponty…what a show that’s going to be!

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