A-Rod Signs 10Yr/$300M Deal With Red Cross

A-Rod cashes out with the Red Cross

Baseball superstar Alex Rodriguez shocked the sports world today by opting out of his contract with the New York Yankees to sign a record-breaking 10 Year / $300 Million deal with the International Committee of the Red Cross.  It had been widely speculated that A-Rod would sign with the Angels, Cubs, or Mets, potentially with deals including part-ownership of the clubs.  Obviously, the superstar had something else in mind.

At an afternoon press conference, Rodriguez’s agent Scott Boras discussed what was important for the superstar in finding a new team: “Listen, this is is not a baseball thing, this is above baseball.  Alex is a sentient being, who feels like he’s been underutilized simply waving a piece of wood at a hyperaccelerated missile.  This gives him a chance to reach his full potential.”

Red Cross management seems to agree.  “We had a massive hole in our Accounts Receivable lineup, and when A-Rod’s people called me, it made immediate sense to hire him,” said International Committee of the Red Cross President Jakob Kellenberger.  When asked what perks the ICRC flashed to compete with equity deals from other clubs, Kellenberger was coy, saying, “let’s just say we have a healthy supply of hospital scrubs and hand sanitizer.”

Rodriguez himself didn’t even seem to contemplate how this signing will impact his pursuit of the career home run title — he is projected to eclipse Barry Bonds’ mark in the 6th or 7th year of this contract.  “I’m sure I’ll fit a few dingers in between my account reconciliations and operational audits,” said A-Rod with a smile, “and I hear that Doctors-Without-Borders has a shitty pitching staff.”

To signal his enthusiasm to join the squad, Rodriguez has agreed to move from his natural position of Senior Accounting Manager to Internal Revenue Auditor, a spot he hasn’t filled since his college days.

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