Microsoft Awarded Patent For Latin Alphabet

Make up your own alphabet, nerd!

In a move widely lauded by Wall Street analysts, Microsoft has today been awarded US Patent # 45,222,987 for “A device, methodology, and communications medium compromising a set of markings commonly referred to as the Latin Alphabet”.  In the public domain since the 7th century BC, the original 23 letters of the Latin Alphabet (along with its three later additions) have come to permeate western society in recent millennia, used to communicate such written concepts as tax forms and baby food labeling.  With Microsoft now in firm control of its rightful use, the software giant is poised to establish another unearned monopoly using a rather ordinary product.

CEO Steve Ballmer was dismissive of any suggestions that this new patent was grossly overbearing, and would end up miring society in incalculable disarray.  “Do you know who we employ here?” asked Ballmer.  “Developers developers developers developers, developers developers developers developers, WOOOO WOWOOO WOOOOOO YAAAAAAA WOOOO WOOOO YAAAAAAAAA   AAAAAAAAAAA!”  His spokesperson later clarified his comments, saying that because Microsoft developers encode their software using the letters of the alphabet, they assumed that they were the ones who invented it, and wanted to cash in on its confusingly ubiquitous presence in general society.

“Bill Gates uses the alphabet all the time,” explains Ray Ozzie, Chief Software Architect, “and he forgets when he started using it.  It’s a safe bet that he probably invented it at some point while trying to explain his thoughts to his subordinates, who couldn’t understand his messianic gestures or psychic dialog.”

It is unclear how Microsoft intends to enforce the patent — they may choose to pursue individual litigation, enslave certain island nations that no one cares about, or simply proclaim that the entire world is licensing their technology and seize national treasuries.

Industry expert Franca Lingua of the University of Rotterdam expects there to be a world wide backlash against the patent, but could not transmit his thoughts over email without using letters, and resorted to using various permutations of symbols and punctuation to describe how he felt: “*#({{{{{,” he said, “~~~~|//\\+!”  The AP has assumed that this means he is either unhappy with the legal decision, or is pregnant with a dinosaur.

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6 Responses to “Microsoft Awarded Patent For Latin Alphabet”

  1. marrone Says:

    ha fuck man, where do you come up with this stuff

  2. Michael Parkatti Says:

    I actually just dress like a homeless person and walk around the crack alleys taking notes. Pretty effective, just don’t admit that your favourite TV actor is Kelsey Grammer –> big mistake.

  3. gretchen hart-vonKeller Says:

    this is hystetical…thanks for the laugh…needed it today

  4. food » Microsoft Awarded Patent For Latin Alphabet Says:

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  5. fumble Says:

    The Latin alphabet was overrated anyway. Look at Arabic calligraphy and Japanese characters for example. We have been deprived of finger painting for too long.

  6. Michael Parkatti Says:

    I’ll agree with that sentiment — actually, I’d like our alphabet to evolve to the point where we can communicate solely with winks and hand gestures….

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