Rubik’s Champ Admits Habitual Steroid Use

Yeah, but have you solved it, on ROIDS?

The nerd-infused coloured puzzle community was rocked today with the news that perennial Rubik’s Cube World Champion Yu Nakajima has admitted to heavy and long-standing abuse of steroids yesterday to a Federal Grand Jury. The 16 year old Supercuber delivered highly emotional testimony, confessing to charges including lying to federal investigators and perjuring himself in previous testimony.

A rival Rubik’s Cube player whom did not want to be named said that the revelations are a long-time coming, simply proving what their community has known about Nakajima for several years. “I mean, shit, take a look at the size of his wrists,” he said, “he could probably twist the rivets off a suspension bridge with those pythons! And it’s not like he was a freelance udder-milker or something — one day he was a frail, prepubescent sophomore, the next he was a supercharged hyperstroker. Something didn’t add up.”

Officials are now deliberating whether or not Yakajima should keep his previous world championships — they have the constitutional authority to rescind any ill-gotten awards within the last 8 years. Winings to be seized may include his Rubik’s Cube Golden League earnings, and his lucrative endorsement deals with Upper Deck, Gatorade, and Aunt Jemima Pancake Syrup.

The fiery champion — who frequently smashed cubes in disgust and berated opponents with supposed knowledge of their mother’s genitalia — was known as much for his brazen behaviour off the Rubik’s Cube circuit as on it. During a recent charity appearance, he publicly challenged ex-Saved By The Bell Star Dustin Diamond to a game of knuckles, and proceeded to break three bones in Screech’s hand.

Outgoing World Anti-Doping Agency (WADA) chief Dick Pound (yes, Montreal lawyer Dick Pound), was happy that another pawn in his game to bring down the international steroid conspiracy had fallen. “We can now revisit the reality that no natural human being can solve a Rubik’s Cube — it is only through the unnatural acts of a cyborg that the 3X3 matrix can be successfully decrypted. Let’s face facts people… without steroids, we’re just not that capable of a civilization, and I’d like to keep it that way.”

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4 Responses to “Rubik’s Champ Admits Habitual Steroid Use”

  1. marrone Says:

    the dude is only 16 years old. He is probably still going through puberty. Of course he is putting those wrists to lots of exercise. That doesnt mean he is on steroids

  2. Michael Parkatti Says:

    Correction, he WAS going through puberty until he went backwards and started growing breasts on his arms… it’s a total shame.

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