Record Companies Win Case, Prenatal Slavery

Record Companies enslave the unborn

Multinational music conglomerates, represented by the RIAA, won a landmark verdict today against Jammie Thomas, a Minnesota woman convicted of digitally distributing copyrighted songs via the Internet servive Kazaa. Capitalizing on 24 songs she made available for download 1072 times, the record companies won damages of $222,000, proving that their continued legal actions against their own customers is turning into the financial windfall they initially expected. The only problem is that Ms. Thomas is a woman of meagre means, living paycheque to paycheque, and has no ability to pay such damages.

Rather than opt for a public clemency in lieu of proving their point, the RIAA is pushing for extraordinarily harsh liens to make up their cash award in kind. The judge presented them with a variety of schemes to make up the deficit, including converting Ms. Thomas into an international assassin for hire, selling her internal organs on the black market, and teaming her with a Macaque in a PPV death match against Mr. T and a mountain goat. The plaintiffs, however, opted to indebt the next 38 unborn generations of Ms. Thomas’ lineage to slavery to the RIAA.

“We’ll be able to train her offspring in a variety of positions to make up $222,000 in present day dollars,” said Greasy McSpickerson, head attorney for the record companies. “Ever since the original Monkees died, we’ve been having a lot of problems trying to recreate them in a laboratory. This way we have actual human subjects to brainwash, providing them with the correct environmental stimuli to crack ill-timed nonsensical jokes and lip-sync in such a way to seem only slightly believable to the audience. We have every reason to be optimistic about harbouring a new golden age in music.”

Schlocky record company executives released a joint statement on their websites today, claiming they were relieved this litigation was successful, because “we seriously were fresh out of ideas on how else to make money. Gwen Stefani may seem popular, but seriously, who the hell are we kidding?”

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