Hopeless Drug Addicts Lament ‘End of Party’

Stop Partying Drug Addicts!!!!

Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper was in Winnipeg Thursday to introduce the new Conservative plan to combat drugs which will include $64 Million in new funding for enforcement and prevention purposes. Federal Health Minister Tony Clement wanted the message to the Canadian drug using community to be clear, saying that “the party’s over”.

“It’s a well known fact that drug addicts are living a 24-hour fantasy party, replete with massive orgies, nonstop Styx sing-alongs, and an endless supply of soft chocolate chip cookies,” said Clement, “we just want these reckless people to know that we’re beyond jealous, and will legislate the hell out of this. Have you seen the ugly women in politics? It’s like I’m in engineering school or something. Or those boring Ottawa parties where the only thing being smoked is Harper’s dry fucking jokes? So not fair.”

Local drug addict Johnny Snorts displayed a complex entanglement of feelings when confronted with such threats to his hedonistic wonderland. “I’m cold… I need shoes, God… please help me,” Johnny said, barely audible over the raucous bender heard in the background. “This guy keeps following me, and I’m puking up something purple… I need an ambulance…” he was believed to have said, before the line went dead, presumably because he needed to finish off his multiple attractive sexual partners before jet-setting to a long-weekend tantric bash in Monaco City.

When asked if all this new policy would only succeed in deepening the destitution experienced by Canada’s homeless drug addict community, Clement seemed puzzled. “Uhh yeah, REAL destitute, buddy,” Clement snarled, “I’m sure they’ll miss their pagers, gold jewelery, low-riding vehicles, and their fancy latex condoms.” Clement then pointed a finger inside his open mouth while making a dull choking noise.

Canada’s well-financed and impeccably dressed drug legalization lobby was deeply concerned with the new developments: Judge Reinhold, President of Party Addicted Drug Fiends for Change, issued a statement saying that “While we accept that the Federal Government does not appreciate our round-the-clock soirĂ©es, the fact of the matter is that we didn’t invite them to our parties anyways. I had Jack Layton over once and all he did was point at naked girls and give the thumbs up sign. Totally creeped everybody out. Talking about how Ocean Pacific threads were making a comeback and shit — I mean what a bunch of total losers!”

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One Response to “Hopeless Drug Addicts Lament ‘End of Party’”

  1. marrone Says:

    ha, dude. What an accurate description of the local druggie population. One just needs look out my window to see how well they have it as they root through the garbage bin.Ive been in there myself as you know

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