Archive for October, 2007

Mukasey Supports Waterboarding As ‘100% Adrenaline’

Wednesday, October 31st, 2007

Waterboarding isn't just fun, it's a way of life...

With his sun-drenched locks playfully framing his bronzed face, Attorney General Nominee Michael Mukasey vehemently supported Waterboarding during nomination hearings today, claiming that he likes to waterboard whenever he gets a chance.

“Dude, when that rip tide comes in, and the waves smash your waterboard around, it’s 100% pure adrenaline,” said the former Federal Judge. “Others shoot for it, jab a vein for it… all you gotta do is board for it.”

Asked if that was a direct quote from the 1991 hit movie Point Break starring Patrick Swayze, Mukasey ripped a giant fist pump, pointed at Senator Warner, and screamed, “YOU…YOU… That’s why I like you!”

Waterboarding has come under fire as a questionable interrogation technique during the War on Terror, with some in Washington suggesting that it borders on torture. It involves laying a prisoner on their back, throwing back their heads, wrapping their face in cellophane or plastic wrap, and bombarding their torso with water — the resulting sensation is akin to being held underwater and close to drowning.

Mukasey tried to debunk that definition.

“Drowning? Are you serious?” asked the nominee. “Only if you suck at it! You have to just, like, relax and let the water become a part of you. If you want the ultimate rush, you gotta be willing to pay the ultimate price…”

Mukasey was also questioned about the value of the information gained from the ‘extrajudicial’ detainees under waterboarding, with critics suggesting it is little more than a punitive measure rather than a viable means to obtain intelligence.

“Dude, they’ve given us the sweetest intel!” yelled Mukasey. “I got this one tip on how to order a barbeque sauce with your cheeseburger at McDonald’s for dipping, and this other guy told me that I should consider keeping loose change in my car for when I need to park at meters… I mean that’s all good stuff right there!”

Popularity: 47% [?]

Wild Pug Habitat Threatened Due To Global Warming

Tuesday, October 30th, 2007

They need to watch dirty films to procreate

Citing the affect of global warming, the World Wildlife Fund and the American Kennel Club jointly placed Pugs on their endangered species lists today, claiming that the lovable animal is under siege in its natural habitat. Deforestation, increasing migration distances, human encroachment, and competition with the Boston Terrier are all to blame, according to a joint statement.Originating in China over two thousand years ago, the Pug has in recent years become one of the most lovable pets in homes worldwide — its wild forbearer, however, has seen its ecological niche trampled on by a conspiracy of environmental circumstances. Known for its cunning pack hunting, aggressive breeding positions, and ferocious eating habits, the Wild Pug’s natural range has collapsed into a pocket of protected jungles and forests.

“The Wild Pug’s worldwide population today is dwindling to numbers not expected until at least 2050 just a few years ago,” said State University of New York Ecologist Ralph Nader. “If you remember, they were hunted mercilessly in Africa in the 19th Century for their curly tails, which were used in necklaces as quite a fashion statement in Victorian England. Global Warming and human intervention have cooperated to send this natural icon to the highest threats of extinction.”

Scientists estimate that there may only be 170 individual Wild Pugs left in the wild. 18 are currently being held in captivity in zoos worldwide, with 15 of those on loan from the national government of Albania. Wild Pugs are notoriously hesitant to breed in captivity, as they usually bark at eachother’s feet and lick the ground for extremely odd periods of time. Videos portraying other Wild Pugs mating have been shown, but participating animals tend to stare at the screens blankly, before running into adjacent doorways.

The WWF is calling for governments worldwide to protect the Wild Pug by law, along with the following recommendations to encourage their numbers to grow:

  1. Hiring a horde of retarded clowns to traipse through the countryside to keep the Pugs happy
  2. Planting thousands of aid packages in the wild, consisting of human-worn underwear and socks
  3. Hiring social aid workers to train Wild Pugs in marketable skills, like word processing and photocopying
  4. Organizing a Pug-only ‘Superdog’ touring show, where their only discernible public skills would be urinating and falling over at top speed

Even with these measures in place, experts predict that the Wild Pug’s chances of replenishing their numbers to reclaim their original natural range are startlingly bleak. “There’s only so many pig ears to go around,” suggests dog clairvoyant Cesar Milan.

Popularity: 100% [?]

China Furious Over Harper and Dalai Lama’s Game of Two-Person Spin-The-Bottle

Monday, October 29th, 2007

Be happy they didn't play 60 seconds in the closet...

In a joint news conference after their private meeting today, Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper and the Dalai Lama sloughed off questions regarding China’s recalcitrance towards their reported game of Spin-The-Bottle, where only the two leaders participated.

“I just kept thinking ‘please let it be me, please let it be me’ and then the bottle landed on me,” recalled Harper, “and then I knew that I’d soon be tasting heaven.”

The Dalai Lama seemed amused at the Prime Minister’s enthusiasm.  “Stephen kept on forcing liquor down my throat like a 18 year old trying to get his date drunk — I guess he didn’t realize that the odds of us making out were 100%”.

In response to the staged kiss, China released a heated statement:

“We are certainly very much displeasured and regret the fact that Canada would totally ignore the repeated positions of the Chinese side and go ahead with its erroneous decision.  Such political theatre is not a good thing for the bilateral relationship of our two countries.  The Seperatist religious heathen is using cheap tricks to subvert the Western Mind — he will not call you after you let him into the poon-pantry.”

In political exile since 1959, the Dalai Lama has disavowed human intimacy, but Stephen Harper’s renowned charisma and virility proved impossible to resist.

Popularity: 14% [?]

Canadian Military Readies For Imminent North Pole Offensive By Toy Militia

Friday, October 26th, 2007

Make sure your batteries are charged, soldier!

Officials from the Canadian Military announced their intention to purchase remotely controlled vehicles to patrol the vast expanses of the Canadian Arctic on Wednesday, further reflecting the increasing emphasis the Harper government has put on sovereignty in the Far North.  Along with Unmanned Aerial Vehicles (or UAVs), the military will be obtaining a full slate of remote control rally cars with integrated rumble pack remotes, and several Playmobile sets from the Pirate Ship Harbour playset.

“We need to be prepared for any eventuality in our Arctic hinterlands, including the possibility of attack originating from the North Pole,” said Lt. General Samuel Zayous, “and I think we all know who operates out of the North Pole… winks!”

Military analysts applauded the government’s alertness and flexibility in a new era of armed conflict.  “Have you seen the theoretical mock-ups of equipment and manpower our kids are playing with these days?  Just imagine what the real-life examples would look like.  Having MegaZord from the Power Rangers, Rancor from Star Wars, or Krang’s Technodrome rumble into Iqaluit to conquer our entire country would obviously be unacceptable.  We need to stay alert,” warned University of Mattel Professor Hunky Ken.

The new remote controlled equipment has received rave reviews from military staff at all levels of rank.  Private Remo Nestor lauded the interactivity of the equipment: “We now have the ability to survey much larger tracts of land than we could in our own manned equipment, while putting ourselves in much less danger.  The next time Gargamel attempts an incursion into the Yukon Territory, we’ll be ready.”

When asked about the last time Gargamel invaded, Private Nestor suddenly became quiet, and let a single haunted tear roll off his cheek.

“The horror….. the….. horror…..”

Popularity: 13% [?]

Archaeological Evidence Confirms Jesus Drove An SUV

Wednesday, October 24th, 2007

Talk about a pimp-ride!

An archaeological excavation near Galilee has confirmed environmentalist evangelicals’ worst fears: Jesus actually did drive an SUV. This finding is expected to instantly bilk the humour from millions of bumper stickers worldwide, and to force historians to rethink the timing of the industrial revolution with an event that predates the invention of the automobile by approximately two millennia.

The dig site, supervised by University of Jerusalem Professor Eric Smith, has produced a large cast-iron chassis, along with chrome remnants of what’s believed to be bumpers and rims. A variety of organic material suspected to be customized leather was found, consistently monogrammed with the vernacular “J/Chriz”, leading scholars to the conclusion that this was the vehicle of the Christ.

“Jesus was above all practical,” explained Professor Smith, “and at the time, Roman horse-feed surcharges had forced people in the Middle East to innovate like never before. Why pay the Romans a King’s Ransom, when you could ride like the rap superstars of the future? And with an ever-expanding cadre of disciples, Jesus needed something that could carry his entire krew.” Professor Smith explicitly misspelled crew in his remarks, ostensibly because of his enormous street cred (as in credibility).

Theologians around the world were questioning why Jesus would choose an SUV as his transportation mode of choice. “Really, what advantages are gained by an SUV over, say, a GT snow racer, or a train?” mused a local right-wing Jesus-type. “You’d expect the Son of God to not fear injury in a crash scenario… maybe he had a bad experience with a subcompact early in his life.”

To commemorate the discovery, all three Detroit automakers are planning special ‘Jesus’ editions of their SUV lineups. Ford will release the Ecclesiastical Explorer in time for the 2009 model year, while Jeep is readying a Commander Crucifix for their late 2009 line-up. Models will feature navigation systems with flat earth maps, detection systems on the passenger side bucket seat to determine if the occupant is still a virgin, and free CD copies of Creed’s entire discography permanently affixed inside the car’s stereo system CD changer.

Popularity: 26% [?]

Hemingway’s Estate Admits Giant Marlin From ‘The Old Man And The Sea’ Is Gay

Tuesday, October 23rd, 2007

Santiago would have been shocked!!

In the wake of British author J.K. Rowling’s admission that one of the main characters in her Harry Potter series — Hogwarts school headmaster Albus Dumbledore — is gay, the estate of Ernest Hemingway is today conceding that the giant Marlin adversary in the classic novella ‘The Old Man and the Sea’, is also homosexual. It has been more than 55 years since the work was originally published, but the revelation has nevertheless left the literary community positively buzzing.

In a statement, Hemingway’s grandson Gregory revealed that:

“My grandfather always intended the Marlin to be a raging homosexual, but he could never figure out how to incorporate his sexual orientation into the story properly. He considered the possibility of having the Marlin cry out in erotic ecstasy as he was being eaten by a horde of masculine, famished Mako Sharks, but copyediters did not approve of the Marlin’s use of the phrase “Nggggngggyeeeessssseeeeeaaaaatttttmmmmmeeeeeee” as it did not fit the columnar restraints of the original magazine publication.”

“The old man, Santiago, considers the Marlin on the end of his line as more than his adversary, he considers him his brother,” explained Stanford University Professor of Contemporary English Literature Hugh Jazz. “This uncovers the possibility that The ‘Old Man and the Sea’ had lascivious homo-incestuous-bestial implications. The next time people read Hemingway’s masterpiece, I suggest they have some vaseline and kleenex handy, just in case. Delicious.”

Other experts contend that the evidence was in the original manuscript. “Didn’t anyone notice how many harpoons Santiago had on his tiny boat to ward off the Mako Sharks? The guy had more arrow-shaped accessories than Mr. Slave from South Park. And the Old Man inordinately enjoyed plunging those death sticks deep inside the scavengers. The imagery is quite clear,” said Bill Brasky, a veritable Hemingway superfan.

Popularity: 91% [?]

Turkey Threatens To Invade Cranberristan

Monday, October 22nd, 2007

We'll settle this in the lower intestine

Saber-rattling among Turkey’s conservative war hawks continued on Monday, sparking renewed fears that all-out war could further ravage Thanksgiving dinner plates.  After four years of dire pronouncements, Turkey’s leaders warned that incursions along their borders from ethnic Cranberry Sauce militants could spark a full invasion into Cranberristan.

While attempting to alleviate the situation through diplomatic means, the Bush administration could not hide their exasperation.  “We’ve tried to do everything in our power to defuse the tension,” explains Secretary of State Condolleeza Rice, “however, it seems as though Turkey is tiring of coordinated attacks on their hegemony in the region.  We have reports of the Cranberry Sauce Separatists gaining logistical support both the Stuffing/Yam alliance and the United Mashed Potato Confederacy.  Signs are not encouraging.”

This is not the first time that the Thanksgiving plate has hosted armed conflict — in ancient times, the Pumpkyntine Empire ruled the left portion of the plate, but the invention of dessert plating granted Turkey free reign over the culinary hot-spot.  When the Dinner Roll Free State was created via international treaty following the second world war, Turkey found itself in a tense power-sharing arrangement.

After the historic Camp Gravy Accords, the region had experienced a long period of tranquility, only to be interrupted by the foreign incursion of Pizza into ethnic Cranberristan after the United States of Pizzarica accused the Cranberries of withholding their natural resource wealth to artificially drive up prices for the Pizza Hut dessert pizza campaign.  Turkey had maintained their neutrality, but the nationalist fervour in Cranberristan has sparked widespread speculaion that ethnic Smoked Ham may try to leverage regional turmoil to re-assert their claims on the Thanksgiving scene — a circumstance that Turkey would defend at any cost.

Popularity: 18% [?]

Dion’s Quebec Lieutenant Quits, He-Man Rumoured As Replacement

Tuesday, October 16th, 2007

Dion needs a General, not a Lieutenant

As the Liberal Party of Canada held its national caucus on Tuesday, news leaked that Marcel Proulx — Stephane Dion’s freshly-appointed Quebec Lieutenant — had resigned over fallout from recent byelection losses in that province, including the Liberal stronghold of Outremont. Mr Dion, already suffering from negative image issues in Quebec, will now be forced into making another delicate appointment, and pundits are already hazarding guesses at who could be tabbed.

“What their byelection losses show is that Dion doesn’t simply need a Quebec Lieutenant, he needs a Quebec General, or perhaps a Quebec Admiral,” says political scientist Huge Laureate. “They may even need to expand the role to Quebec Inter-Stellar Space Emperor.”

A long popular choice for the job is He-Man, Master Of The Universe, who maintains a summer home near Gatineau, Quebec.

“We need someone who has superhuman strength and agility, galactically-proven diplomatic prowess, and a ragtag team of trusted confidantes who can get the job done,” said Justin Trudeau, apparent Liberal political kingmaker and conduit for Pierre Trudeau’s post-mortal directives. “The question shouldn’t be if we summon the Prince of Eternia, but when”.

Party insiders were already expressing reservations about Prince Adam’s lack of fluency in French, along with doubts about whether the Power of Grayskull would extrapolate beyond the Kingdom of Eternos. He-man has previously committed to three weeks of formal French language training, but that may not be enough to assuage hard-liners. “I’ve had dinner with Adam, and he’s pretty boring until he gets all raged up and flexes his clothes off. His French is pathetic, and he puts nacho cheese on poutine — he’s no Quebecois,” said one senior Liberal Official.

There has also been skepticism about his lack of formal military training — the role of Quebec Lieutenant usually requires secret commando abilities, while conducting clandestine operations entirely in camouflage. He-man seems to have inherited his powers from the Sorceress of Castle Grayskull, and has openly admitted he holds no formal military title or rank.

Other candidates rumoured in the running for the Lieutenancy include Sargent Slaughter, Guile from Street Fighter, the guy with 6 arms at the end of Mortal Kombat, and Pat Sajak.

Popularity: 16% [?]

Sen. Craig Enters Wrong Order At Drive-Thru, Receives Wrong Food

Monday, October 15th, 2007

No, I ordered the handjob!

Sen. Larry Craig approached a local McDonald’s Drive-Thru yesterday, and ordered a Filet-O-Fish instead of a McChicken Sandwich — the Senator ended up receiving the Filet-O-Fish against his wishes, and proceeded to deliver a spiteful polemic about how he instead wanted the McChicken.

“Yes, I know I originally said Filet-O-Fish,” said Craig, “but I’m granted certain courtesies by law that should be enjoyed by any man. This failure to treat me differently because of my importance represents a manifest injustice. Who in their right mind would enter an order of Filet-O-Fish, when everyone knows that would lead to me eating the wrong meal? Anyone who knows me would know that I actually wanted the McChicken — especially after I received the Filet-O-Fish and everyone else in the car made fun of me.”

Asked why McDonald’s would carry the Filet-O-Fish if no one wanted to eat it, Craig said, “well, maybe some people just want to eat their dinner and get the hell out of there, and not attract too much attention.”

The Idaho Republican also seemed annoyed at questions of why he didn’t choose his words more carefully. “Look, I was just ordering food, which is a fairly low consequence activity. Now, if I was to proposition gay sex under a Minnesota airport washroom stall, I’d probably act in a way that damn sure reflected what my intentions were. But since I wasn’t doing that, I don’t see what the big deal is.”

Popularity: 19% [?]

Vatican Official Hired Over Sex Scandal

Monday, October 15th, 2007

Bring the diamond laced handcuffs father!

The Vatican announced today that they have filled an important role within the Roman Curia after an exhaustive sex scandal search. Appointed to the role of Prefect for the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith (CDF) will be Cardinal Cedric Offishall, after his respective sex scandal was deemed simultaneously the most ludicrous and erotic by The Holy See.

“He just wanted it the most,” said Cardinal Memberto, “the whole thing was on videotape, and I don’t think anybody could really tell if that was a goat or not, but it was part of its charm. What a showman.”

“I’ve never seen rhubarb used as a sexual aid before,” added Arch-Bishop O’Leary, “which just goes to show his creativity. He’ll really represent the Vatican well in public events, especially the upcoming reality TV show ‘Altar Boyz’. This guy’s got a natural screen presence, and a case of glistening buttock that would make Rob Lowe jealous.”

Before confirming the appointment, Cardinal Secretary of State Bertone commissioned the requisite Holy Striptease of Offishall. A traditional rite of passage, this popular festivity is termed ‘The Full Ponty’ by Vatican insiders. Apparently, Cardinal Offishall closed his set off with a double-fist-pumping-jump-hump into the audience.

Preparations are feverishly underway for the new CDF Chief’s arrival. “He’s asked for a full mirror to be installed on his office ceiling, and for fog machines and strobe lights to be mounted on the walls,” said Papal Secretary Jimmy Smits. “I don’t even want to ask what he’s got planned.”

First on his long list of upcoming events is a diplomatic dinner with Nelson Mandela, Physicist Stephen Hawking, Former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger, and TV sports personality Dick Vitale.

Popularity: 27% [?]