Bush Vows Climate Action, Assaults Unicorn

Bush exhales factory smoke!!

American President George W. Bush shocked critics earlier this week when he promised to lead the global effort to stave off climate change.  After his 2001 repudiation of the Kyoto Protocol, this new policy direction is considered a massive about-face for the President.

Instead of making carbon targets like Kyoto, Bush’s new proposals seem to encourage a wide spectrum of new environmentally-friendly activities for general society, such as abstinence from ‘hot’ foods, randomly throwing ice onto city streets, outlawing sweating, and farting directly into bare earth for carbon sequestration purposes.

When asked why he doesn’t implement a system of carbon credits or contact Caitlin from Degrassi Junior High to begin a campaign using sternly-worded posters against local factories with smoke coming out of them, Bush disregarded his detractors — “I think the liberal media underestimates the impact that farting directly into the ground will have in the war on greenhouse gases.  Oh, and by the way, greenhouses are now illegal.  Suck it, photosynthesis!”

Bush also had harsh words for those at the press conference asking why he was choking an endangered animal throughout the session. “People, we’re taking about climate change here, global warming… saving the animals is so 80’s,” said the President.

Chemically-dependent treehuggers across the planet are thrilled with Bush’s new environmental prerogative.  Johnny Appleseed, President of Hip-Hop Moguls for a Better Planet, is thoroughly impressed.  “It’s about time we received some recognition from the Executive Branch of our government,” said Mr. Appleseed, as he ripped a massive flatulence into a house plant.  Encouraging further action, he yelled, “that crazy bitch can tap my phones anytime!” while attempting to break dance but instead looked like a retarded puppy that had just been shot with a blowdart.

To discourage the production of fajitas, Bush’s #1 culprit for climate change, the President has ordered a naval blockade of Mexico.  The President of Mexico could not be reached for comment, as he was busy doing the kookaracha.  Bush also plans to ban all fire-breathing dragons, but is having problems finding a proper Brute Squad to tackle the fictitious beasts.  Since the death of Andre The Giant, winged dragons have gained the upper hand in the control for the skies.

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One Response to “Bush Vows Climate Action, Assaults Unicorn”

  1. marrone Says:

    ha, that second paragraph is golden man

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