OJ Forced to Beat a Bad Rap, AGAIN

OJ wants to become Dr. Claw!!!

Guest Column by: Matt Robertson

Legendary running back Orenthal James Simpson is once again at the centre of a complex conspiracy. The colourfully nicknamed “Juicy Guy” is in deep, having been arrested under false suspicion on Sunday, ironically enough the same day in which noble non-criminal, non-roidmonkeys take to the field to entertain North American sports enthusiasts; bummer.

A sports memorabilia dealer was quietly sitting in his Las Vegas hotel room, presumably enjoying a lap dance from one of Vegas’ renowned pay-as-you-go companions, when O.J. and two accomplices (read: Cato Kaelin and Kato from the Green Hornet) entered the room demanding restitution. O.J. was on a mission to reclaim items that were once his, before a ridiculous civil court ruling forced him into hoc. It seems some corrupt law enforcement officer super-glued a gun to the supple hand of Simpson making it appear as though he was committing armed robbery. Unfortunately, O.J. was not wearing his trademark gloves, which would have protected his hands from such an assault. Now the modern day Joan of Arc faces a daunting struggle against a racist and devious justice system.

Simpson was questioned on the matter by the very same meanies who are trying to frame him. Earlier this summer his attempt to become a J.K. Rowling of America was thwarted. What a run of bad luck!

Fortunately for O.J., this little incident will enable him to resurrect his former glory as cameras are indeed permitted in Nevada courtrooms. Can you say “Liberty and Entertainment for all”? You see, Simpson was a CNN “Must See T.V.” sensation in the mid-nineties, setting the bar for future stars of the small screen like Ray Romano and the Two Corys. O.J. was acquitted of double homicide in 1995, an event watched by an estimated 150 million American viewers. O.J. should be able to use his charm and legal beagles to beat a bad rap again. Happy news for all, this time what happens in Vegas will not stay in Vegas, but rather be beamed around the earth to illuminate and enrich the lives of millions.

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One Response to “OJ Forced to Beat a Bad Rap, AGAIN”

  1. marrone Says:

    Let us not forget O.J.’s former glory even before his homicide trial. Starring alongside legendary B-movie actor Lorenzo Lamas in “CIA Codename Alexa” in the early 90’s, http://imdb.com/title/tt0103907/

    It truly is sad to see such a talented man fall so low

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