Loonie Reaches Parity: Canada Sells Itself

The loonie CRUSHES the American dollar

In a shocking move Thursday, Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper announced that his country is ‘up for sale’. “With the dollar reaching parity, it only makes sense to sell high in a free market. I have a Masters in Economics — trust me, I’m so right,” said Harper.

When asked if he had any prospective buyers lined up, Harper indicated that he’d, “received calls from the Ontario Teachers’ Pension Plan, Hannibal from the A-Team, and the Prince of Liechtenstein. I think we’ll find somebody to bite on this lemon.”

After looking amused with himself, Harper screamed, “I’m rich biaatch,” while a semi-truck horn was heard in the background.

After reaching a low of 61.3 cents per US dollar in 2001, the Canadian dollar (affectionately known as the ‘Loonie’) has reached parity with the American currency for the first time since the mid 70’s. This rise of 60% has lead Canadians to some truly perplexing claims in recent days; the Toronto Maple Leafs have claimed that they should be spotted with 60% more wins during the upcoming NHL season, and songstress Celine Dion has claimed that she will record music that is 60% ‘more meaningless’ — her representatives claim she is hard at work recording ‘Love Will Move Something That Is 60% Larger than Mountains’ and ‘My Heart Will Go On, Plus 60% Longer Than That’.

Most Canadians are ambivalent about the idea of selling their country, as the idea of toiling for an alien overlord is not a foreign concept. “How else could you sum up the career of Jim Carrey?” asked a local milkman.

All national citizenship is planned to be revoked in favour of lifetime subscriptions to celeb-weekly US Magazine. “The more this country knows about celebrity news, the more competitive we’ll be in the long run in the global economy,” pointed out one completely useless celebrity pundit. When pointed out that the country won’t exist, he slowly grabbed his crotch in a suggestive manner while repeatedly pretending his right arm was the top jaw of an alligator.

It is estimated that the person hardest hit by the abolishment of Canada will be rock group Trooper, whose very existence is owed to royalties from over-bearing Canadian content broadcast standards. Members of the group could not be reached for comment, as they were all taking part in the multi-decade festival known as ‘their respective pointless lives’.

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3 Responses to “Loonie Reaches Parity: Canada Sells Itself”

  1. marrone Says:

    ha, hilarious man

  2. Canadian Pension Plan Says:

    Great post about Loonie Reaches Parity: Canada Sells Itself!

  3. Michael Parkatti Says:

    Thanks :)! Maybe now you’ll be able to cash in that pension and buy a luxury boat and/or shave kit?

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