Coach Belichick Heads Global Spy Agency

Belichick is spying on you right now...

The night was thick with atmosphere, and I was choking on my own fear. This was the Guatemalan rainforest, and I was in pursuit of a mystical figure named “Squidge”, the unofficial agent of the world’s largest private spying organization. It is here that Coach Belichick chooses to locate his operations, under the auspices of a thriving organic potato business.

For all the pomp and bright lights of the NFL football season, the real work is conducted here, at Belichick’s underground headquarters, known as HutHut. The Patriots have a long history of coming up with the right play or the right read at the right time, winning multiple NFL championships along the way. And really, which human being hasn’t considered the possibility that Tom Brady is a robot made in a laboratory?

The lid blew off this story when it was confirmed that Belichick was spying against the New York Jets on their sidelines during a game on September 9th. But the major media assumes that the story ends with the cameras in the stadium, and the combined $750,000 fine received by the coach and the team. That’s what Belichick wants you to believe.

Reality, however, confirms that the sideline incident was just the tip of the iceberg for the Coach’s unprecedented clandestine operations. My meeting with bestial Squidge simply confirms this.

“You’ve got no fucking idea what this guy has planned,” says Squidge, who smells like he just ate a rabbit. “You think Capone was paranoid? Belichick has his hands in shit that you couldn’t fathom, he’s got every politician and bureaucrat in his pocket, and he’s just getting started.”

When asked what the deuce he’s talking about, Squidge elaborates: “He’s obsessed with winning the Super Bowl every year. You name it, this guy has done just about everything imaginable to win football games.”

Intrigued, I tested his theory. “So he’s set up faulty alarm clocks in opposing player’s hotel rooms?”

“Of course,” says Squidge.

“He’s created a time machine to procreate with the Commissioner’s mother?”

Squidge slowly shakes his head in admission.

“He’s created an army of trained seals to recite lines of Victorian poetry in Antarctica, thereby setting off a wave of global Chaos Theory, resulting in precise wind gusts during opposing field goal attempts?”

“That too…” says Squidge.

I try to think of the most horrible thing imaginable. “He was the one who pulled strings to get Britney in the Mickey Mouse Club?”

“YES, YES, enough!!!!! I can’t stand this horrible truth!” cries out Squidge.

All of a sudden, the world comes much more into focus, somehow more familiar, more genuine. Most of the human atrocities attributed to disease, war, strife, or Kraft Foods has a perfectly reasonable explanation. And here I thought it was the CIA doing all this — people give that agency way too much credit with their crackpot theories! It’s been Belichick all along.

Or maybe not, and people don’t give a shit that someone is taping the opposing team’s sidelines? Well, either/or really.

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One Response to “Coach Belichick Heads Global Spy Agency”

  1. marrone Says:

    Belicheck’s worst crime was having Doug Flutie on his team and not handing the reins over to him instead of Mr. Roboto Brady

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