Russia Loses At Hockey, Drops New Bomb

If anything, bombs weren't nearly big enough

In the pursuit to advance human civilization as a whole, few things have captured the public imagination like huge freaking bombs! Bombs serve so many useful purposes, like killing lots of people… and… uhh… making massive mountain sculptures? Anyways, I don’t think there’s any doubt of the correlation between Russia losing the hockey Super Series to Canada and their announcement today that they’ve exploded the largest conventional weapon ever.

This is an honor that has been hotly contested many times since WWII. Initially, it was British weapons designer Barnes Wallis’ ‘earthquake bombs’ that shook fear into the hearts of the German public. First Tallboy (12,000 lbs) and then Grand Slam (22,000 lbs), Wallis’ bombs penetrated bunkers, collapsed buildings, demolished U-Boat paddocks, and pulverized viaducts. Ya, bombs!

Then the Americans had their turn, creating the legendary BLU-82 during the Vietnam War — the ‘Daisy Cutter’ — which was initially used to clear areas in the dense Southeast Asian jungle for helicopters to land troops. This 15,000 lbs behemoth needed to be dropped by a C-130 transport plane, being too big for the Americans’ heavy bombers. It was used for decades, and even was used for anti-personnel (ie, mucho killing) purposes in the Afghanistan War after 9/11. Before the Iraq invasion, they announced the release of the GBU43 or Massive Ordinance Air Blast — colloquially known as the Mother Of All Bombs (MOAB). Designed almost specifically for shock and awe purposes, this 21,000 lbs go-getter provides an explosion equivalent to 11 tons of TNT, with the resulting mushroom cloud literally scaring opponents into thinking that they’re facing nuclear attack.

But history be damned!! The Russians (nee: Soviets) already hold the record for the biggest nuclear bomb ever exploded, the Tsar Bomba, with the equivalent of 50 Megatons of TNT (think 2500 times more powerful than Hiroshima); it only makes sense that they want the conventional title as well. Enter the ‘Dad of All Bombs’, supposed to be 4 times more powerful than the MOAB.

“The tests have shown that the new air-delivered ordnance is comparable to a nuclear weapon in its efficiency and capability,” said Col.-Gen. Alexander Rukshin, a deputy chief of the Russian military’s General Staff, said in televised remarks. Unlike a nuclear weapon, the bomb doesn’t hurt the environment, he added.

Al Gore will be delighted about its carbon footprint! While this bomb weighs about the same as the MOAB, the Russians have used a mystery ingredient to give it its relative pop. One can only guess what whimsical substance sits inside, but I’m guessing Buckley’s Mixture has experienced a bump in foreign sales recently.

It’s ok Russia… I know when I lose at something, I like to punch the odd pillow. If getting drop-kicked 7-0-1 by the Canadian juniors is getting you down, blow off a couple of DOADs! Attached is a sweet video of the MOAB scaring the shit out of local Floridians:

The Mother Of All Bombs - The funniest home videos are here

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3 Responses to “Russia Loses At Hockey, Drops New Bomb”

  1. Amir Says:

    Hey Mike,

    Cool site. I shall frequent it ore often. With respect to the Summit Series I really don’t think it was fair because on the Canadian side the players players have been playing together for years whether it be on the U-18 or various other development camps whereas the Russian side were thrown together. Furthermore, I thought the whole tournament was pointless because 35 years ago the world was at the height of the Cold War and there was a serious hate between the two nations, thankfully it is not like that anymore, but trying to emmulate that now is a waste of time because players on both sides could very well be playing on the same team in a couple years. With respect to the bombs…I think the world has entered what you would call a ’silent arms race’ nad what I mean by that is every country , once they have the means, will have a nuclear arsenal and no one will give a shit as long as there is no overt declaration of said arsenal ie Iran. The world is a fucked up place my friend..grab a spoon.

  2. Anjelica Huston Says:

    Hey!…Man i just love your blog, keep the cool posts comin..holy Saturday

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