Archive for September, 2007

Bush Vows Climate Action, Assaults Unicorn

Saturday, September 29th, 2007

Bush exhales factory smoke!!

American President George W. Bush shocked critics earlier this week when he promised to lead the global effort to stave off climate change.  After his 2001 repudiation of the Kyoto Protocol, this new policy direction is considered a massive about-face for the President.

Instead of making carbon targets like Kyoto, Bush’s new proposals seem to encourage a wide spectrum of new environmentally-friendly activities for general society, such as abstinence from ‘hot’ foods, randomly throwing ice onto city streets, outlawing sweating, and farting directly into bare earth for carbon sequestration purposes.

When asked why he doesn’t implement a system of carbon credits or contact Caitlin from Degrassi Junior High to begin a campaign using sternly-worded posters against local factories with smoke coming out of them, Bush disregarded his detractors — “I think the liberal media underestimates the impact that farting directly into the ground will have in the war on greenhouse gases.  Oh, and by the way, greenhouses are now illegal.  Suck it, photosynthesis!”

Bush also had harsh words for those at the press conference asking why he was choking an endangered animal throughout the session. “People, we’re taking about climate change here, global warming… saving the animals is so 80’s,” said the President.

Chemically-dependent treehuggers across the planet are thrilled with Bush’s new environmental prerogative.  Johnny Appleseed, President of Hip-Hop Moguls for a Better Planet, is thoroughly impressed.  “It’s about time we received some recognition from the Executive Branch of our government,” said Mr. Appleseed, as he ripped a massive flatulence into a house plant.  Encouraging further action, he yelled, “that crazy bitch can tap my phones anytime!” while attempting to break dance but instead looked like a retarded puppy that had just been shot with a blowdart.

To discourage the production of fajitas, Bush’s #1 culprit for climate change, the President has ordered a naval blockade of Mexico.  The President of Mexico could not be reached for comment, as he was busy doing the kookaracha.  Bush also plans to ban all fire-breathing dragons, but is having problems finding a proper Brute Squad to tackle the fictitious beasts.  Since the death of Andre The Giant, winged dragons have gained the upper hand in the control for the skies.

Popularity: 37% [?]

OJ Forced to Beat a Bad Rap, AGAIN

Thursday, September 27th, 2007

OJ wants to become Dr. Claw!!!

Guest Column by: Matt Robertson

Legendary running back Orenthal James Simpson is once again at the centre of a complex conspiracy. The colourfully nicknamed “Juicy Guy” is in deep, having been arrested under false suspicion on Sunday, ironically enough the same day in which noble non-criminal, non-roidmonkeys take to the field to entertain North American sports enthusiasts; bummer.

A sports memorabilia dealer was quietly sitting in his Las Vegas hotel room, presumably enjoying a lap dance from one of Vegas’ renowned pay-as-you-go companions, when O.J. and two accomplices (read: Cato Kaelin and Kato from the Green Hornet) entered the room demanding restitution. O.J. was on a mission to reclaim items that were once his, before a ridiculous civil court ruling forced him into hoc. It seems some corrupt law enforcement officer super-glued a gun to the supple hand of Simpson making it appear as though he was committing armed robbery. Unfortunately, O.J. was not wearing his trademark gloves, which would have protected his hands from such an assault. Now the modern day Joan of Arc faces a daunting struggle against a racist and devious justice system.

Simpson was questioned on the matter by the very same meanies who are trying to frame him. Earlier this summer his attempt to become a J.K. Rowling of America was thwarted. What a run of bad luck!

Fortunately for O.J., this little incident will enable him to resurrect his former glory as cameras are indeed permitted in Nevada courtrooms. Can you say “Liberty and Entertainment for all”? You see, Simpson was a CNN “Must See T.V.” sensation in the mid-nineties, setting the bar for future stars of the small screen like Ray Romano and the Two Corys. O.J. was acquitted of double homicide in 1995, an event watched by an estimated 150 million American viewers. O.J. should be able to use his charm and legal beagles to beat a bad rap again. Happy news for all, this time what happens in Vegas will not stay in Vegas, but rather be beamed around the earth to illuminate and enrich the lives of millions.

Popularity: 9% [?]

Loonie Reaches Parity: Canada Sells Itself

Thursday, September 27th, 2007

The loonie CRUSHES the American dollar

In a shocking move Thursday, Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper announced that his country is ‘up for sale’. “With the dollar reaching parity, it only makes sense to sell high in a free market. I have a Masters in Economics — trust me, I’m so right,” said Harper.

When asked if he had any prospective buyers lined up, Harper indicated that he’d, “received calls from the Ontario Teachers’ Pension Plan, Hannibal from the A-Team, and the Prince of Liechtenstein. I think we’ll find somebody to bite on this lemon.”

After looking amused with himself, Harper screamed, “I’m rich biaatch,” while a semi-truck horn was heard in the background.

After reaching a low of 61.3 cents per US dollar in 2001, the Canadian dollar (affectionately known as the ‘Loonie’) has reached parity with the American currency for the first time since the mid 70’s. This rise of 60% has lead Canadians to some truly perplexing claims in recent days; the Toronto Maple Leafs have claimed that they should be spotted with 60% more wins during the upcoming NHL season, and songstress Celine Dion has claimed that she will record music that is 60% ‘more meaningless’ — her representatives claim she is hard at work recording ‘Love Will Move Something That Is 60% Larger than Mountains’ and ‘My Heart Will Go On, Plus 60% Longer Than That’.

Most Canadians are ambivalent about the idea of selling their country, as the idea of toiling for an alien overlord is not a foreign concept. “How else could you sum up the career of Jim Carrey?” asked a local milkman.

All national citizenship is planned to be revoked in favour of lifetime subscriptions to celeb-weekly US Magazine. “The more this country knows about celebrity news, the more competitive we’ll be in the long run in the global economy,” pointed out one completely useless celebrity pundit. When pointed out that the country won’t exist, he slowly grabbed his crotch in a suggestive manner while repeatedly pretending his right arm was the top jaw of an alligator.

It is estimated that the person hardest hit by the abolishment of Canada will be rock group Trooper, whose very existence is owed to royalties from over-bearing Canadian content broadcast standards. Members of the group could not be reached for comment, as they were all taking part in the multi-decade festival known as ‘their respective pointless lives’.

Popularity: 14% [?]

Coach Belichick Heads Global Spy Agency

Friday, September 21st, 2007

Belichick is spying on you right now...

The night was thick with atmosphere, and I was choking on my own fear. This was the Guatemalan rainforest, and I was in pursuit of a mystical figure named “Squidge”, the unofficial agent of the world’s largest private spying organization. It is here that Coach Belichick chooses to locate his operations, under the auspices of a thriving organic potato business.

For all the pomp and bright lights of the NFL football season, the real work is conducted here, at Belichick’s underground headquarters, known as HutHut. The Patriots have a long history of coming up with the right play or the right read at the right time, winning multiple NFL championships along the way. And really, which human being hasn’t considered the possibility that Tom Brady is a robot made in a laboratory?

The lid blew off this story when it was confirmed that Belichick was spying against the New York Jets on their sidelines during a game on September 9th. But the major media assumes that the story ends with the cameras in the stadium, and the combined $750,000 fine received by the coach and the team. That’s what Belichick wants you to believe.

Reality, however, confirms that the sideline incident was just the tip of the iceberg for the Coach’s unprecedented clandestine operations. My meeting with bestial Squidge simply confirms this.

“You’ve got no fucking idea what this guy has planned,” says Squidge, who smells like he just ate a rabbit. “You think Capone was paranoid? Belichick has his hands in shit that you couldn’t fathom, he’s got every politician and bureaucrat in his pocket, and he’s just getting started.”

When asked what the deuce he’s talking about, Squidge elaborates: “He’s obsessed with winning the Super Bowl every year. You name it, this guy has done just about everything imaginable to win football games.”

Intrigued, I tested his theory. “So he’s set up faulty alarm clocks in opposing player’s hotel rooms?”

“Of course,” says Squidge.

“He’s created a time machine to procreate with the Commissioner’s mother?”

Squidge slowly shakes his head in admission.

“He’s created an army of trained seals to recite lines of Victorian poetry in Antarctica, thereby setting off a wave of global Chaos Theory, resulting in precise wind gusts during opposing field goal attempts?”

“That too…” says Squidge.

I try to think of the most horrible thing imaginable. “He was the one who pulled strings to get Britney in the Mickey Mouse Club?”

“YES, YES, enough!!!!! I can’t stand this horrible truth!” cries out Squidge.

All of a sudden, the world comes much more into focus, somehow more familiar, more genuine. Most of the human atrocities attributed to disease, war, strife, or Kraft Foods has a perfectly reasonable explanation. And here I thought it was the CIA doing all this — people give that agency way too much credit with their crackpot theories! It’s been Belichick all along.

Or maybe not, and people don’t give a shit that someone is taping the opposing team’s sidelines? Well, either/or really.

Popularity: 11% [?]

50 Cent Bored of Perfection, Quits Touring

Thursday, September 13th, 2007

 Why tour when you're already rich??

In a masterstroke of artist evolution, rapper 50 Cent announced yesterday in an interview that he was planning to quit touring altogether, due to his becoming tired with the format and the futility of continuing his unquestioned perfection of the craft.

“Hey, sometimes the best need to just know when to pack it in,” said Mr. Cent, “I remember when I was growing up and Santa stopped coming around, I knew that he probably just got tired of it — you know, being the best at what he did.”

Asked if he was considering following the path of The Beatles in 1966, and has quit touring in order to concentrate on perfecting his recorded sound, Fitty replied, “Have you seen the fuckin’ tracks on my last album? ‘My Gun Go Off’, ‘I’ll Still Kill’, ‘Peep Show’… what else is there to do? I think I’ve covered music’s potential.” Prodded as to how he could possibly have exhausted every permutation of chord arrangement and sonic tone, 50 looked confused, and rubbed his groin in a suggestive manner.

It’s obvious that he is a man dealing soberly with his own brilliance, something that all preceding saviours of music have combated before him. “Beethoven, [Frank] Sinatra, The Beatles, Wilson Phillips… all the greats, they’ve all contacted me to let me know that I’m better than them. I’m not sure what there is left to do,” said Cent with a ponderous sigh. When it was pointed out that most of those acts are dead, 50 looked confused, and rubbed his groin in a suggestive manner.

It is sad to see a legend kill his own career at the height of his powers. His genius will live on, in his music, his cultural significance, and his 50 Cent brand shampoo.

Popularity: 11% [?]

CN Tower Surpassed, World Decides to End

Thursday, September 13th, 2007

Towers continue their inevitable evolution to dildo-like proportions

Citizens worldwide were struck with violent fits of depression after learning that the CN Tower in Toronto had been surpassed in height by the under-construction Burj Dubai (pictured centre) in the UAE yesterday. Since its construction in 1976, the 553 metre tall symbol of enduring freedom has held the title of the world’s tallest free-standing structure. It become somewhat of a cult symbol in Canada, with its daily rituals and ceremonies causing some to liken it to the Wailing Wall in Isreal.

“I feel like one of Jesus’ disciples after the crucifixion,” said one local bohemian, “what the fuck am I going to do now?”

Some experts speculate that, like the Christ, the CN Tower may rise from the dead to take back the title. “We can’t rule out the possibility that the CN Tower has supernatural powers, and could potentially get upset enough to entallen itself,” says local architecture savant, Phallus Interuptus. When asked whether entallen was, in fact, a legitimate English word, Mr. Interuptus pointed to a fire hydrant and said, “holy shit, what the hell is that!?”, and attempted to fly off under his own command.

Civic leaders are not letting the Arabs savour their victory too much — plans were announced by City Hall to create the world’s smallest building. A suitable parcel of land to house the new centre of international worship (dubbed the CNothing Tower) has not yet been identified, but an exhaustive search is underway. Much like Buddhists picking a new Dalai Lama, city officials are showing everyday tokens of the CN Tower to potential re-incarnies, hoping that one can correctly identify the rightful idols.

More details to follow…

Popularity: 11% [?]

Lies, Damn Lies, and Noah’s Ark

Wednesday, September 12th, 2007

You're telling me he got Blue Whales on the Ark?

Today I had the pleasure of watching a documentary on modern-day searches for Noah’s Ark. A long imagined destination has been Mount Ararat in Turkey, the final resting place of the ark according to scripture. The far left and right photos feature geological ‘anomalies’ in the Ararat region, which followers of Biblical inerrancy (the literal word of the Bible) have touted as potential sites of the Ark.

There has been some recent news on this story, as researchers from the University of Richmond have created a 3-dimensional model of the main ‘Mr Ararat Anomaly’. The Ararat site itself is very inhospitable, and until recently was under restricted access by the Turkish government. This gives believers in literal interpretation the ammunition they need to keep their hopes alive from afar.

But, let’s look at the facts, courtesy of my favourite thing on the planet, Wikipedia:

The many associated questions include whether eight humans could have cared for the animals while also sailing the Ark, how the special dietary needs of some of the more exotic animals could have been catered for, how the creatures could have been prevented from preying on each other, questions of lighting, ventilation, and temperature control, hibernation, the survival and germination of seeds, the position of freshwater and saltwater fish, the question of what the animals would have eaten immediately after leaving the Ark, how they traveled (or were gathered) from all over the world to board the Ark and how they could have returned to their far-flung habitats across the Earth’s bare, flood-devastated terrain, and how two or a few members of a species could have provided enough genetic variety to avoid inbreeding and reconstitute a healthy population.

Sounds pretty convincing, no? But here’s my question: the ark was supposed to be 300 cubits in length, roughly 450 feet. The longest wooden boat in recorded history was the schooner Wyoming (launched 1909), which was about 330 feet in length, and required extensive iron bracing in its construction to counteract extreme warping of the hull. How the hell could one dude have constructed a boat to lengths 36% longer than modern shipbuilders ever achieved at the extremes of their craft?

He was supposed to have collected two of every species on the plant, which in made-up creationist terms, must also have included the largest animal of all time, the Blue Whale. Even though it might make sense NOT to take marine species in a flood, the scripture talks about two of EVERY animal! OK, a) how did he capture a Blue Whale, b) how could he fit two of them in his boat (Blue Whales can grow to 110 feet, meaning two of them would have used over half the area of his ark), and c) how could they have survived 150 days laying motionless without a specialized diet? Not possible.

Sometimes, it makes a lot more sense to interpret the stories of the Bible as just that, stories. It’s a tale of morality, perseverance, loyalty, and servitude and should be appreciated on its moral merits, rather than its scientific ones. With the last word, is Penn and Teller’s take on the tale of Noah’s Ark.

Popularity: 14% [?]

Ebola Is Not Cool, Doctors Suggest

Wednesday, September 12th, 2007

Ebola hurts humans and gorillas, but not Fruit Bats

Since its first public outbreak in 1976, Ebola has proven to be more than your mother’s Filoviridae. Taking its toll mainly in Sub-Saharan Africa, Ebola is a ruthless killer:

Ebola hemorrhagic fever is potentially lethal and encompasses a range of symptoms including vomiting, diarrhea, general body pain, internal and external bleeding, and fever. Mortality rates are generally high, ranging from 50% - 90%, with the cause of death usually due to hypovolemic shock or organ failure.

Sounds uncool. All the more reason to be alarmed at reports of a new outbreak of the disease in the Congo:

At least 167 people have died in the affected region over about four months and nearly 400 have fallen ill, said Jean-Constatin Kanow, chief medical inspector for Congo’s Kasai Oriental Province. Kinshasa, the capital, is 430 miles northwest of the area.

Now, Ebola is not airborne (cannot be transmitted easily through the air), and its actually a fairly bad candidate to wipe out the human race, only because it manifests and kills the hosts so quickly. Victims can be quarantined and the virus can be localized without much problem. However, unlike Smallpox — which was certified as eradicated from the Earth in 1977 — this disease is not just possible in humans, infecting and killing most any animal it comes into contact with. Even more disturbing is that the animal reservoir has not been found; that is, the animal that can carry it without dying. This animal must exist, as the virus would become extinct without a carrier. An early candidate is the Fruit Bat… I always knew thems bats were no good!

The closest this killer has come to our neck of the woods was an outbreak of a related strain in monkeys imported to Alice, Texas in 1996. No human was infected, and the monkeys involved perished and were disposed of. I remember thinking at the time about where I’d evacuate to if it traveled up into Canada… ahh, back when I was more paranoid than I am now!

Authorities are scared that terrorist groups might try to cross-breed Ebola with a virus with a longer gestation period, which when combined with Ebola’s lethality, would pose a significant bio-weapon threat. In the meantime, just be glad that this freaking disease isn’t on our side of the pond, and feel bad for those people that will die with blood coming out of every orifice.

Now, a video about Ebola hurting gorillas, the coolest primate:

Popularity: 14% [?]

Russia Loses At Hockey, Drops New Bomb

Tuesday, September 11th, 2007

If anything, bombs weren't nearly big enough

In the pursuit to advance human civilization as a whole, few things have captured the public imagination like huge freaking bombs! Bombs serve so many useful purposes, like killing lots of people… and… uhh… making massive mountain sculptures? Anyways, I don’t think there’s any doubt of the correlation between Russia losing the hockey Super Series to Canada and their announcement today that they’ve exploded the largest conventional weapon ever.

This is an honor that has been hotly contested many times since WWII. Initially, it was British weapons designer Barnes Wallis’ ‘earthquake bombs’ that shook fear into the hearts of the German public. First Tallboy (12,000 lbs) and then Grand Slam (22,000 lbs), Wallis’ bombs penetrated bunkers, collapsed buildings, demolished U-Boat paddocks, and pulverized viaducts. Ya, bombs!

Then the Americans had their turn, creating the legendary BLU-82 during the Vietnam War — the ‘Daisy Cutter’ — which was initially used to clear areas in the dense Southeast Asian jungle for helicopters to land troops. This 15,000 lbs behemoth needed to be dropped by a C-130 transport plane, being too big for the Americans’ heavy bombers. It was used for decades, and even was used for anti-personnel (ie, mucho killing) purposes in the Afghanistan War after 9/11. Before the Iraq invasion, they announced the release of the GBU43 or Massive Ordinance Air Blast — colloquially known as the Mother Of All Bombs (MOAB). Designed almost specifically for shock and awe purposes, this 21,000 lbs go-getter provides an explosion equivalent to 11 tons of TNT, with the resulting mushroom cloud literally scaring opponents into thinking that they’re facing nuclear attack.

But history be damned!! The Russians (nee: Soviets) already hold the record for the biggest nuclear bomb ever exploded, the Tsar Bomba, with the equivalent of 50 Megatons of TNT (think 2500 times more powerful than Hiroshima); it only makes sense that they want the conventional title as well. Enter the ‘Dad of All Bombs’, supposed to be 4 times more powerful than the MOAB.

“The tests have shown that the new air-delivered ordnance is comparable to a nuclear weapon in its efficiency and capability,” said Col.-Gen. Alexander Rukshin, a deputy chief of the Russian military’s General Staff, said in televised remarks. Unlike a nuclear weapon, the bomb doesn’t hurt the environment, he added.

Al Gore will be delighted about its carbon footprint! While this bomb weighs about the same as the MOAB, the Russians have used a mystery ingredient to give it its relative pop. One can only guess what whimsical substance sits inside, but I’m guessing Buckley’s Mixture has experienced a bump in foreign sales recently.

It’s ok Russia… I know when I lose at something, I like to punch the odd pillow. If getting drop-kicked 7-0-1 by the Canadian juniors is getting you down, blow off a couple of DOADs! Attached is a sweet video of the MOAB scaring the shit out of local Floridians:

The Mother Of All Bombs - The funniest home videos are here

Popularity: 35% [?]

Boards of Canada: Dayvan Cowboy

Tuesday, September 11th, 2007

Jesus, it’s nice listening to good music…

Popularity: 8% [?]